how to deal with inlaws?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
how to deal with inlaws?
6
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 4:09pm

Hello everybody,

i m also facing problems related to inlaws issue. Please advice me what should i do?

i m married for the last 3 years. from the very beginning my husband's & inlaws attitude towards me was not gud.
my husband used to make complaints about me to my family and family friends and inlaws used to pass negative comments and very aggressive, abusive towards me and used to torture me by compelling me to do things against my wishes.
even they took all of my precious belongings from me like jewellary etc and husband was supporting them & told me that his parents r doing right and i found that my husband has been influenced by his parents.
i got frustarted and fallen into depression and finally i went back to my parents.
then i came back again after 1 year to my husband after getting assurance from him that whatever happened in the past will not repeat again.
but things are still the same. nothing got changed.now i m loosing my patience.

please advice!

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 5:27pm
Personally, I think that you should leave your H for good, and tell the ILs and who ever else took your stuff that they have x amount of time to return your stuff, or you will call the police and press charges. Your H has proven that he doesn't love you. A man who loves his wife would not allow such things to happen, and certainly wouldn't get in on it. Let him know that you are going to be filing chagres against everyone who took your stuff. Too bad of he doesn't like it. Also tell him that you are letting the police know that he allowed them to take your items without your permission. But I would do this after I left him. Because you never know, he could become violent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 9:22pm

Hi,
you are right in the fact that your inlaws are a problem but your inlaws should respect the marital union you have with your husband, I also have inlaw trouble and the way I plan to fix it is to let them know that if they want to allow us to be a part of their lives they have to stay out of our marriage. The first responsibility of a marriage is to each other. I get all this from my faith, obviously my wife's faith is not as strong as my own.

You will have a tough time with this especially if your husband is tight with his family.
There are a few good books out there to help strengthen your relationship with your husband that will help the both of you to concentrate on your marriage and not your inlaws.
One great one is the "Five Love Languages" and this may sound hoaky to you but, "the power of a praying wife" I have found that when marriages get weak then all ouside influences come to play. Husbands or wives should not be closely interacting with inlaws in marriages, they are great for bbq's but when you go to family with problems it can blow your marriage apart, it did for mine and we are still in the process of fixing it. I'm not a Phd or anything, just a praying husband who loves his wife and has made mistakes. It's hard work but it is worth saving. The two books I mentioned are great, we often don't look at ourselves when things go wrong and are eager to point the finger, at least I did, and it should start with us. What can I do to change me that will help my marriage?. Read those two books and you will see what I mean, it made a big difference for me and it's never too late. I think that if you strengthen your marriage and concentrate on your partner with activities and get close to your partner, he will tend to pull away from your inlaws. Get close to your husband and do things with him, I think you'll find the inlaws will go away. Good Luck.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 6:15pm
I have to disagree. Her H is abusive to her. She would be better off without him. He was given a chance to change and he chose not to. If he really wanted to, he would have sought counselling, instead he is choosing to continue the abuse.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:24pm

Is he physically abusive or does he drink, what sort of abuse is it. Certainly I'm not saying that a person should stay in an abusive marriage. All mariages are tough, and today people are able to walk away from alot of them, as a result people are also not held accountable for their actions or they would also not abuse their partner.

It's all too easy, and all we have is a generation of divorced people, at least 50% of all first marriages and 60-70 % of second marriages and the rates for third and fourth are even worse than that. People accumulate so much baggage that all we have is a society of baggage, and we condone more and more everyday. We allow same sex marriages cuse we don't want to ruffle everyones feather's so we just accept it. Now you hear that it's ok to have an open marriage where a couple sleeps around and invites other couples to their house for sex. Is it a wonder that soon it will be ok to sleep with kids and to steal from other people.

When are we going to draw the line here and say enough is enough. WE tolerate too much, no man or woman for that matter should be able strike their partner. It shouldn't be tolerated.
I watched dateline NBC the other night and 40 year old men were chatting with 14 year old girls, some even in the military, is this what America is about,we worry about having the ten commandments in schools and all the rest of the other crap and then we let grown men behave like that. Our laws should be changed to not allow certain behavior and show these guys that we mean business. In nevada I think if you are convicted of Domestic abuse it's a mandatory 12 year prison term, no time off for good behavior, lets make our laws tougher and see if people want to break them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 9:15pm

Hi Dim1980, welcome to the board!

Your husband and ILs have definitely been abusive towards you. This is a toxic situation and I think you should make every effort to remove yourself from this situation. I don't normally say that to people, either. I usually tell people to try to work it out. Your husband and ILs clearly want to keep abusing and taking advantage of you. They have taken things from you that aren't theirs -- that is stealing. At minimum, you should tell your ILs that you want your possessions back by "x" date. If they don't return it by "x" date, then go to your local police and report it.

Also, you may want to visit one of Ivillage's other boards, Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse. The link to the board is: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

They have lots of resources and will be able to provide you with lots of tips to help you cope and try to get out of your situation. Please keep us posted on how things are going with you.








Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:31am

"i m married for the last 3 years. from the very beginning my husband's & inlaws attitude towards me was not gud.
my husband used to make complaints about me to my family and family friends and inlaws used to pass negative comments and very aggressive, abusive towards me and used to torture me by compelling me to do things against my wishes.
even they took all of my precious belongings from me like jewellary etc and husband was supporting them & told me that his parents r doing right and i found that my husband has been influenced by his parents."

This is how he is abusive. He treats her like dirt, complains about her, forces her to do things against her wishes and allows his family to rob her of her belongings simply because they are faaaamily. She needs to get out of this sham of a marriage. He promised to love, honor, and cherish her forsaking all others and he had failed. He has broken every promise that he made to her before God. He is a jerk and he doesn't deserve her. She would be better off alone. His actions and allowing others to walk all over her, caused to fall into a depression. That is not good. This is an unhealthy marriage, and she needs to leave.

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