should I allow SIL to join us?
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| Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:37pm |
Hello. I have posted to this board before re:my selfish, controlling, manipulative, mean, unstable SIL. I want to know if anyone thinks I am over reacting this time...
I am a mom of 2...a 4 year old daughter and an 18 month old son. My daughter just started preschool this fall for the first time. She is loving it! Anyway, she has her first field trip coming up...apple orchard. (A parent is required to accompany each child.) Both DH and I work full time with crazy schedules. Siblings are not allowed on the trip and I really wanted to allow DD to attend her first field trip with her class. DH and I worked it out so I have the day off of work and he is bringing our son to work with him that day (as that also happens to be the one time our regular sitter is not available for our son). We were very happy to be able to work this out for DD, and she is thrilled to be going. This being the first trip and I feel this is an important way for me to be able to do something special with just DD.
Anyway, DH's sister (SIL) enters the picture. I try and keep our relationship to civil adults at a casual level when I have to see her at holidays or family functions, but do not talk to her or see her other than those few times a year when I absolutely have to. She is married and has has no children of her own by choice. (She didn't want to lose her figure to having children!) She lives about 30 minutes from us. In the last year, she has seen my children 5 times! Belive me, I am NOT complaining b/c I would rather have it that way, but it is not by my request or demands that she has not seen the kids. She has her own agenda and life and she has no time for them. I would not be thrilled about it, but if she called DH and asked him to bring the kids over to swim in her pool for the day or to ask if the kids wanted to come for lunch or if she can come for lunch, etc. he would not hesitate for a second tomkae time to plan something that involved her. He actually does encourage her to do things and has iinvited her to do things with him and the kids, but she is always "too busy." Basically she makes no effort.
Last weekend, she was attending a jewelry party at a friends house who lives 10 minutes past our house. She literally had to drive past our house to go to her party. She called the night before and told DH that she was going to be in our "neck of the woods" and he told her she should stop by and see the kids. Although, as I said, I do not care for her and would rather not see her, I also have never shut my door to her or been rude or made her feel uncomfortable in my home. And I have never denied her seeing my children. I told DH the perfect plan would be for her to plan on coming over around 3, staying for dinner, and then going to her party for 7. She never called until the the day after the party to say she got a "late start" and thought the kids wouldn't understand if she stopped in only for an hour and then left. (????? They are 18 months and 4...like they know the difference between one hour and 4 hours!!!) So she never stopped by.
Now, somehow in conversation, DH mentioned to her that DD has her first field trip to the orchard. Since she learned this, she has emailed me and called me non-stop asking what day and time b/c she'd like to take the day off of work and go with us so she can have some time with her! She has even suggested that I can stay home and she'll take her. The first time she mentioned it, she was more hinting around, and I knew what she was getting at, so I told her that we were going to the orchard and even DH wasn't attending b/c he has to stay with our DS, and that I was looking forward to having mommy/daughter time with our DD. She said, "Oh well maybe I'll have to think of something I can do with her then that can be just Auntie/Niece time." I said that was a better idea. But she has called our house at least twice a day since she learned of the field trip (which is this Friday) leaving messages and emailing DH and I, wanting the details for the trip.
It just angers me that when things are convenient for her, she pushes ahead full force and wants her way. She had the perfect opportunity to come over last weekend. But now that I want this day with my DD and have made that clear (and I even suggested that maybe she take her to lunch and ice cream or to Chucky Cheese), she is still going to try and wedge her way in. She loves to do things like this...for Christmas and birthdays, she thinks nothing of spending $500+ on toys and clothes for the kids. She thinks that she can buy their affection. And right now, when DD sees her, DD thinks it is wonderful b/c she is showered with gifts. She makes her "appearance" as the "good aunt" who is the "fun aunt" b/c she buys them all this stuff, and them disappears into the woodwork for another 3 months. Am I being too harsh and selfish and childish to say that I would like this first field trip to be with DD and myself and not bring her along? Should I suck it up and say she is FINALLY making an effort to spend some time with DD and allow her to join us, or do I stick to my guns and follow my gut which is telling me that SIL is simply playing another control/manipulation game, and therefore have mommy/daughter time with my DD Friday and enjoy ourselves without her?

I say to follow your gut. If her intentions were sincere, she'd have made more of an effort to actually interact with her niece.
You may have to come right out and tell her not to come. Good luck to you.
lve2read
Follow your gut and stick to your guns.
If you want mommy/daughter time, then you have it. This is something you've planned and been looking forward to. Tell your SIL that this is your day and you'll call her for the next one. And then do that, call her before then next field trip.
This is a time for you and your DD to be together, not to have SIL trying to weasel in.
To me, she sounds jealous of this precious time you're going to have with your daughter either by gatecrashing it or ousting you.
You're the Mom, you, by rights should go. Your SIL can take a run and jump and it's just tough. If she'd had more of a presence in your children's lives, then perhaps she could have gone on the trip.
I had/still have a similar issue with my mother.
In my last year of primary school, I got a part in the school play. I was delighted as it was the first time I was in a school play. I felt sure Mum would come. There were two evening shows to pick from and it was an adults only event because siblings in the lower part of primary school would have the opportunity of seeing the play during school hours. She refused to come. I didn't expect Dad to come but he would have had to stay at home to mind my brothers but I thought Mum would be eager to come. When I pushed for an answer, she snapped, "Because it's not a main part!" In that moment, I felt utterly worthless.
On the nights of the play, I called for my friend who also had a part. Although told not to wear makeup, her Mum was doing her makeup and her Mum escorted us to the play and home again. That was on BOTH nights. My friend's Dad didn't go. It really hurt to look among the sea of adults and not see my Mum there.
I've never forgotten this and years later I wondered why she really didn't go. I didn't believe it was because I didn't have a main part. Even if I did, she still wouldn't have gone. From the things I leart about Mum whilst growing up, I suspected it was because Dad wouldn't be accompanying her. Well, for one, they would have had to find a babysitter and because they didn't go out, they never had a need for a babysitter. So, I asked Mum about this. Big mistake! She exploded and yelled at me insisting she went to the play. To prove it, I felt like asking what Donna had said to her Mum whilst she was putting her daughter's makeup on because it made us all laugh but there was no way I could get a word in edgeways as she was shouting. She only stopped after she'd realised I wasn't arguing with her.
Now, since my sons' have participated in school plays, I've been taking time off work to go to them whenever I can. If not me, then my husband. These plays have taken place in school hours starting at 10am. Mum doesn't finish work until 10.30am and each time she's been disappointed to find I've gone to a play but I told her it started half an hour before she finished work and it was only 50-60 minutes long so if I'd have waited for Mum, we'd have missed most of it.
It's not just that, what bothered me was that she was keen to go yet if she was able to go at the time it started and I couldn't go for some reason or another, she wouldn't go because there'd be no-one taking her.
Then I started thinking why she was so keen to see my children perform and not me when she was perfectly capable of getting off her butt to see me perform. And why should she see my children when it's my time now. She's had her time and wouldn't take it, so resentment grew inside me and, quite frankly, I was pleased these plays had early starts.
Then my eldest moved to upper school (he goes to a special school aged 4 - 19 years so upper school would be equivalent to secondary school). His play last Christmas started in the afternoon. Before I stopped to think, I asked Mum if she'd like to come but she said she was minding my niece so I was secretly pleased. A few weeks later, I showed her some photos I'd taken and was telling her about the play. She asked when it was and I told her. She looked put out like I'd not told her. I said that I asked if she wanted to come and said why she refused but she looked at me as if she thought I was lying!
Well, that was my version of someone wanting to hone in on an event, similar to yours.
“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.†aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
"DH mentioned to her that DD has her first field trip to the orchard. Since she learned this, she has emailed me and called me non-stop asking what day and time b/c she'd like to take the day off of work and go with us"
This is just my view, it looks like she wishes to cherry-pick what events to attend, INCLUDING the ones to which she is not invited. Perhaps she has always wished to visit this orchard. You are finally doing something SHE is interested in. If this is the case with her, learn it and remember it. If you really want her around (and who would? LOL!) then you must find out what SHE wants, and make it happen.
I have a Sis who is just like this. She will never have kids, she has always known that she can only make them miserable. Recently I told my Sis I was taking our mother and aunt out for the day around town, and asked Sis if she wanted to join us. I didn't know exactly where we were going, I was letting the others decide. Sis said No.
Turns out Mom chose that we should go to the zoo/park. I didn't really care to go there, but being with my family and making them happy was my priority. We had a great day! When we got home, Sis was FURIOUS with me because she wanted to go to this zoo/park! She yelled at me twice over this, and punished me for a month. The very next weekend (when she knew I was busy with one of DD's events) Sis took Mom on an outing that Sis and I had planned to do together. Leaving me out in an attempt to hurt me. I don't play that game... and I do feel very sorry for Sis. She lives in a black and petty world.
The tricky thing is to be constantly reminding yourself to keep your expectations low. Know that your SIL is not interested in being what you believe is a "good Aunt." Try to let go of the hope that this will change. Again, if you REALLY REALLY want Auntie around, then you must find out what SHE wants, and make it happen.
Perhaps you and your husband would like to take BOTH the kids, and their Aunt, back to the orchard (your DD won't mind a second trip) before the end of Fall.
Since you have made so many arrangements to make this happen for your daughter, you deserve to make it a fun and special day for the both of you.
Tell SIL that plans have already been hammered out and a head count has already been sent to the school and there is nothing you can do to change it.
If she protests, then suggest that she plan something to do with your daughter on her own time.
Personally, with regard to the gifts and over giving I would set some limits with her and tell her that you are trying to raise your kids to understand that there is more to life than material goods. In time, monsters can be made with too much of a good thing especially when you know that it is overcompensation for her being absent and trying to buy affection.
Good Luck and I hope you have fun. Field trips with the little ones are awesome.
I think you are getting fairly upset about this because a lot of things are going on here: you feel guilty about not spending more time with your DD, you feel conflicted about the level of involvement your SIL has with your kids, you are cross with her because it has to be on 'her terms', whilst at the same time wanting it all on 'your terms'....
Don't get me wrong, I think your SIL is being a bit self-centred and only wanting to help out when it is convenient for her. But that is probably true of most of us: I certainly would rather do things with my nephews and niece that I enjoy rather than things that are convenient for their parents, and my in-laws are forever scheduling trips that are at good times for them, no matter what we have planned....it's the way of the world, we are all caught up in our own lives and we prioritise our own desires.
I think it might help if you untangle some of these issues. Firstly, stick to your guns about the field trip if you want to, and stop getting upset about it. (Maybe SIL could watch your son instead so DH doesn't have to take him to work?) Just say, thanks, but no thanks, I'm looking forward to the trip and I'd rather it was just me. AND STOP feeling guilty about it, it will make it easier to defend! But perhaps you could try addressing the issue of feeling guilty about spending time with your daughter by finding some more ways of doing that: you say you work crazy hours - why? If you want to put your children first and spend more time with them, look into making that possible, instead of laying a massive guilt trip on your SIL for muscling in on 'your' time when it isn't her fault you work too hard.
Secondly, if you want SIL to make some accommodation for you, then you do have to make some accommodation for her. As said above, it's only natural that she wants to help on her own terms, and it's only natural that you want her to help on yours: you are going to have to find some compromise or she is going to continue to annoy you. So let it go: let the kids go play at her house when she invites them (so long as you or DH are there, it doesn't sound like she'd be that great at watching them on her own!), whilst at the same time make sure she is invited to things (or you ask her to do things) that are at your convenience.
I know what you mean: it drives me crazy when the in-laws don't take our needs and plans into account, but I think we need to be careful about taking their needs and plans into account too. I think if you tackle your own guilt and wrest a little bit of control back about your dealings with your SIL that she won't annoy you so much. You can't change her behaviour or character, but you can change how you deal with it.
hth
Kirsty
Hi Carahinsdale, welcome to the board!
It sounds like she is almost competing with you to an extent. Because you are going with your DD on her first field trip, SIL wants to be the one to go. It's almost like she wants to one up you. It isn't like she's been around and is genuinely interested in spending time with your daughter. If she was, she would make a more consistent effort to spend time with her.
I agree with Ive2read that you may have to tell her that you don't want her to go.
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