I need help, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
I need help, please!
4
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:54pm

I'm really at my wits end. My MIL and other in laws are horrible. My husband and I have been married for two years. We've been through a lot. He's very close to his family. The problem is his family. Either they acknowledge me or they don't. When they acknowledge me it is by derogatory names like “bitch” or other some demeaning manner. Or, if we’re out, for example my husband’s 30th birthday party they don’t even say “hello” or “thanks for having us.”

We’ve been in counseling for two months. My husband says he’ll stand up for me more. But really doesn’t identify the problem areas. When I tell him that things have happened, he’ll say they’re just kidding.

His family seems to be so aggressive. For example, his brother scheduled his wedding to be the exact same wedding anniversary as ours so that the family could have “a happy day.”

I love my husband dearly, but I can’t keep living this life. I just can’t. I want to give my husband another chance, but is it worth it?

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 6:54am

They are NOT kidding. He allows them to call you "bit*h"? Actually sits there and allows this? You have a DH problem, not an IL problem. My head is reeling that he has the audacity to say that his family is "kidding".

Personally, this would be the dealbraker for me. Counseling should not have been necessary for your husband to see what his family is doing is wrong. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, and if my family EVER referred to my husband with some nasty name, they better be prepared to straighten up IMMEDIATELY, or I will cut them off and they will not see the children, either.

I would tell him (and this is just me), that he either grows up and takes care of the problem and defend you immediately, or he can move home with his mommeeeee. Life is too short for you to live with this misery.

Meanwhile, if you feel you must see these cretins, call them out on their behavior. Give it back as bad as you get it. If DH gets mad, say "Well honey, I am only "kidding"?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:48am

Your husband needs to understand that they aren't kidding. If they/he insist that it's just a joke - you need to tell him that it's not funny. And it isn't. They need to be respectful of you because you married into the family. If they can't be nice, then you should reexamine how much time you spend with them.

I know how you feel - my ILs ignored me when they came to our house for our DD's first birthday party. DH and I talked about it, though, and I'm okay with his response. He's getting better at this and was infinitely more supportive than he would have been a year ago.

Anyway, if you love your husband he needs to be willing to stand up for you. Maybe you two should avoid spending much time with his family for a while so that you can work on your own relationship without them meddling and being horrible.

Did you ask your husband how he'd feel if your family treated him this way? I have a hard time believing that he respects you and is willing to let this continue. That said, it's not going to be easy for him to change.

I hope it works out for you. Don't allow yourself to be treated poorly. You deserve much better than that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:46pm

Here is how you know if your husband is "worth it".

The very next time you are around his family and they call you that degrading name or make some terrible comment you smile and say very sweetly, loud enough that he hears and they hear, "Honey, remember how you said you were going to be my MAN and stand up for me against the rude heinous comments of your family? Well (fill in offenders name) just said (fill in what was said), now here's your chance."

You say that loud and proud. You put him on the spot and he either comes to your defense or he does not.

Now, if he does, you go to him and give him a big smootch and say "thank you". If he doesn't, you smile, drop what ever it is you are doing, and say "thank you, you've just made this so much easier", and you go home pack your stuff and leave.

That is it. You do exactly that, or else you zip your mouth and never complain about it again because there is no sense what so ever in volunteering to drive yourself crazy by staying while he's doing nothing.




Edited 9/25/2006 12:47 pm ET by dansfoxywife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:04pm

"My MIL and other in laws are horrible. My husband and I have been married for two years. We've been through a lot. He's very close to his family."

I hope that until something changes, you will be very careful NOT to introduce any children into this chaos. It will be very bad for the child, and place even more stress on this shaky marriage. Keep talking to your husband about these problems, and good luck.