what should I do?
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| Tue, 09-26-2006 - 6:58am |
Hi guys
I am new to posting on this board but have been reading it for tips for the past few months.
I was wondering if you could give me some advice? This is long but I will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have told MIL and FIL I don't want ANYTHING to do with them. I wouldn't normally do something like this but I have been driven to it. I am 32 weeks pregnant and when we initially told the IL's I was pg we got a very negative response from FIL and they told us that our baby was a bad idea and told us how hard we would find having a baby...even though I was already pregnant and it was a planned pregnancy.
This was all done via email btw as they live in Oz and we live in the UK. I responded telling them that they had no right to say what they said and to back off and they were really upset about this. I think this may have something to do with the fact that they seem to need to have a say in big decisions that their sons make. It is ridiculous.
I chose to forget about this episode and tried to get on with them...even emailing them telling them about how excited we were about our baby and keeping them updated with developments. They did not seem to share our enthusiasm about the baby on emails that were sent so DP rang them asking them if there was a problem and his mum started crying down the phone to him saying that I had upset them telling them to 'keep out of my life' which I never did...I told them to back off when we had already made a decision. It's not like we are a couple of kids...DP is 29.
Anyway, MIL and me had a massive falling out and I told them that I didn't want anything to do with them - they had upset me too much and I wouldn't put up with their crap anymore. This all happened from when we told them I was pg at 6 weeks to when I was 5 months pregnant.
They came over to the UK in July for a visit and were upset when I wouldn't meet up with them but I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to them about this and put me and my baby under any more pressure and upset that they had already caused. On top of all this, DP got a 7 page email from MIL detailing each and every thing that she thought was wrong with me - accusing me of allsorts. I don't know what she was trying to achieve by sending that but it was really upsetting for DP and me. It was a bunch of accusations that are not true. She even accused me of treating DP badly and I really don't. I love him so much and I would never do anything to hurt him. She is a nasty twisted lady. I called MIL to tell her to stop emailing DP insulting me and DP met up with them to talk about it and all she said was that she was angry with me when she wrote it - she didn't mention one pip of an apology and they haven't apologised for anything that has been said because they refuse to see that they have caused this mess.
So this is where we are. I have 8 weeks until my baby is born and they are coming back to the UK for Christmas so my baby will be approx 1mth old when they see him. I am breastfeeding him and wouldn't feel comfortable DP taking him away for longer than a walk to the shops or whatever without me being there. Because of this I have told MIL and FIL that they can come to our house to meet our baby (or the 'bad idea' as they called him) for the first time and I think I am being really reasonable considering how uncomfortable they make me feel and how badly they have treated me. It's just that I hate the thought of them being in my house and don't want their negativity around. If they are capable of telling DP how much of a bad person they think I am then they are perfectly capable of rubbing some of this off on my baby -especially when he gets a bit older. I just wish I didn't have to deal with them and it is stressing me out. I have said to DP that when they come round I will keep myself occupied by taking a bath or something - but why should I have to excuse myself in my own house? Especially leaving them with my baby when I am in another room. I don't feel comfortable with it.
On top of all this, they have said they will stay an extra 2 weeks so they can make 2 more weekend visits down to our house 'if we are free and available'. So they are more or less now inviting themselves to my house.
And I really don't want them there. Before the arrangements DP explained that because of this they would have limited access to our baby until he was older because I don't want to see them and I don't want the baby away from me. And now I feel like they are barging their way back in - easy to do when they can play the 'she won't let us see our grandchild' card.
If you have got this far - well done! What can I do? It is really getting on top of me.
Your help is much appreciated
Take care
Sarah
Oh forgot - they insist on being called by their first names by our baby. How weird is that.
They have also made themselves an enemy of BIL's ex-wife and they call her Cruella. God knows what they call me. They fell out with her lots when BIL and her were married because of their interfering.
Also - DP is really supportive of me and has been upset by them too.
Edited 9/26/2006 8:49 am ET by tchibo

Sarah,
I would talk to your DP about rules for his parents' visit. You and DP need to agree on a code of behavior and communicate the expectations to his parents before they even arrive. Here's what I would suggest.
First, if you choose to welcome them into your home, they need to understand that you and DP expect decent, respectable behavior from them. They will be polite and courteous to all people in your home at all times.
Second, when the ILs visit, you do not excuse yourself from your baby or the room. Yes, it will be difficult for you to be in the same room with them, but I'd bet that you wouldn't be able to relax in the bath while they were downstairs with the baby anyway. You are the mom whether they like it or not, and you should not be pushed out of the way to accommodate them.
Third, your DP needs to acknowledge and put a stop to their bad behavior in your home. If they begin to behave inappropriately, he needs to tell them to stop and/or leave. It doesn't matter if they want to see the baby or if they haven't been there long. If they act boorish, they must go. Period. No debate. (See, if you're in the room with them all, if he tells them to leave, you pick up the baby and walk out of the room.)
And finally, I would say that under no circumstances are they to stay at your home. They have proven by their bad behavior that they cannot be trusted and therefore must make arrangements to stay somewhere else. If they can show you and DP over time that they will be courteous and polite to you, then perhaps you may choose to reconsider. Or, perhaps you won't, but that's fine, too.
This is your home with your DP and your family. They don't have any rights to anything other than what you and DP agree to give them. And, you certainly do not deserve to be treated like dirt by them. Nor do you deserve to subjegate yourself to accommodate their desires. You are the mom. You and the baby are a package deal. They can't get the newborn without the mom.
Anyway, that's what I suggest. I hope this helps you. Oh, but stop trying to set his mom straight. She's a narrow-minded, manipulative twit and it sounds like your DP knows she's wrong. You don't need the stress of trying to correct her - you can't change her opinions and it just makes her think less of you. I'd also wager that she enjoys getting you upset, as you clearly have her panties in a bunch without much effort.
Hugs to you,
Jenn
Hi Jenn
Thanks for replying and for your advice.
I have invited them to our house to visit for a few hours for the initial meeting between them and my baby because I realised that they wouldn't get to meet him otherwise because of my restrictions on where the baby goes without me...especially when he is just 1 month old.
The thing is, I feel really uncomfortable with them being in my house and hate welcoming them when they are not welcome. And I don't want them coming round when they want to. It's like, regardless of what has happened, they can have their cake and eat it when I have already said I don't want anything to do with them. I won't go back on my word because they have upset me so much.
In that 7 page insult that she sent to DP, MIL accused me of feeling threatened by hers and DP's relationship, by driving a wedge between the family and wanting DP all to myself as apparently, before all this happened, I never let them have time with DP on their own. We are a couple for God's sake. And DP can make his own mind up if he wants to spend time on his own with them. Why is it my fault? So with me not being there whenever DP meets up with them now I can't be accused of this.
And now I am being called because I won't make the effort to meet up with them. Why would I want to meet up with them after they accused me of all these nasty things which are so not true and after they accused me of never letting them have time alone with DP? They can have ALL their time alone with DP.
I don't want them in my house but don't want to be accused of never letting them see the grandchild that they thought was a bad idea anyway.
Can you suggest anyway of getting round this one? If I had my way, I wouldn't have them in either mine or my son's lives. They have been totally unsupportive and have been a negative influence in our lives. I am doing this for them and DP and the IL's certainly don't deserve me being reasonable.
Sorry to go on and thanks for listening guys.
xxxx
Oh Sarah,
None of this is your fault. Don't think for a minute that you could have stopped this by doing something different. You said she doesn't get along with her DIL and calls her Cruella. She couldn't possibly like you forever. Short of you and your DP letting them make all the decisions in your life, it's not possible. There are women who are basically incapable of allowing any woman to be good enough for their son. She sounds like that kind to me.
And honestly, a lot of families have difficulty adjusting to their adult children being married/involved and then having to "share" them. My parents were cool, but I have very close aunts and uncles and cousins (all 6+ years younger) who had a horrible time when I got married and had to start splitting holidays between families and couldn't be at every single thing we were always at together. That's why she's having such a crisis - she's not happy with having to share him with you. But, she'll never admit that the problem is with her, and you're the NEW one, so it must be all your fault. (Not that it really is, but that's her point of view.)
I know that this is really hard on you, but don't forget there is a real benefit to having them in your house. You're in control there. You're not at a restaurant having to wait for a check and entertain an infant. You don't have to go out to a park and sit outside with the risk of rain. And, most importantly, it isn't their home. They will probably come in and not be at ease in your home. I really believe that it's better for you to be front and center, so to speak. If you retreat to a different room, they will have won because they will have their son and the grandbaby.
I know your DP's mother is a pill. And I know that you don't deserve how you've been treated. I'm just afraid that if you back off too far to let them see the baby, they will want you to continue to back off later on. I worry about future interactions with you.
The thought of seeing my MIL makes me very, very angry. She lived with me and DH up until Nov of last year, when we sold the house and moved. She wanted to come to the new house and have us to $5,000 in renovations to acommodate her. I had been treated decently from when we married in 97 up until she found out I was pregnant in fall of 04. Then everything went very bad. I don't want to drive you nuts, but the things she has said and done make my blood boil. I really know where you are on this. But, when the witch comes to my house, I'm the one in control. DH would tell her to leave in an instant if she spouted off. Mind you, she doesn't actually speak to me when she comes to our house now, but at least I can watch what she's doing with our daughter and if I don't like it, I walk over, pick up my DD, and remove her from the area. There is a lot of strength in that. And no, there is nothing whatsoever that I relish about the few times that witch is in my home. But I do hear everything she says and I know there is nothing terrible happening to our DD.
Honestly, there is absolutely nothing that can make you want to be welcoming to those people. For the sake of your relationship with your DP, I would be as cordial as possible. My DH and I almost split up after 8 years of marriage because of how his family was treating me (since I wouldn't continue being a slave to his mother since I had a newborn). It's not worth souring your love and life with your DP over them.
I hope you understand why I said what I did. I am not confrontational and I don't pick fights with my ILs, but I won't let them push me around for a minute. I am my daughter's mother and if they want to see her, they will be kind to me. My DH has learned that. And, we have another baby on the way and the rules will be just as strict. I can't control how they feel about me, but I can limit how bad they can be, especially since I have what they want - my children.
Oh - never let them drop in. Ever. That is terrible - my MIL tried doing that for several months, just calling while she's in the car on the way so she could drop in. I told my DH that she didn't drop in on any of his other siblings (they all expected advance notice) and I expected the same. That ended very quickly.
Do you know what I mean?
Jenn
Hi Jenn
Sorry to hear that you have to put up with this abuse too.
I have already told them that I want nothing to do with them though. Do you think that they will think I am weak for letting them into my home after saying this?
I have a feeling that MIL will say 'she said she wanted nothing to do with us and now she is letting us into her home. She always says stuff she doesn't mean and blah blah...' She will use that to try and turn it back on me and will not for one second think that I am doing this out of the good of my own heart so that they can see my baby.
Not that my baby will get much out of this experience apart from having an upset and aggravated mummy. This is all for their benefit.
I do agree with you now on the need to be front and centre in my house when they come round. But what do I talk to them about? I have absolutely nothing to say to them. I'm scared of being scrutinised for things that she has accused me of such as the way I treat DP even down to the way I am with my new baby - she would come up with something. I would feel so uncomfortable in their presence. I have even approached DP with the idea of having my mum there too so the balance is better and so I have someone else to chat with but he doesn't like that idea because my mum has been upset by the way I have been treated by them too. I have no confidence around them whatsoever. The last thing I can bring myself to be is polite with them as I am so angry at my treatment.
How do you deal with your MIL? You say she doesn't talk to you anyway which is a bonus but I find that really rude too and no doubt you do. The b!tch should be kissing your ass after the way she has treated you.
Thanks for listening hun
Sarah
Hey Sarah,
I don't think that relenting and letting them visit is a sign of weakness. I think that it makes you much more mature and caring than they are. If she says anything about it to you, simply tell her that she's there in your home because you love her son so much and you don't want to hurt him, and you don't want to deny your child of his grandparents. Just tell her flat out, "Hey, I'm a really decent person and not the b!tch you think I am." All right, not those words, but that's the general meaning.
I don't have anything good I'd like to say to my MIL, so I don't anymore. It is incredibly rude to not speak to me, but there are worse things, like being verbally attacked. At this point, our DD is 15 months, so I spend time playing with her and then I'm safely distracted from my ILs. Another good way to avoid speaking to them is to eat. ;-)
Do you do any handcrafts or needlework or anything? My mom always told me that when going to a tough situation, if I brought some needlework with me, it gave something to focus on so that I only had to pay superficial attention to what was going on around me. I always did this at my FIL's (divorced from MIL) and it helped. You can make pretty empty small talk with people you don't like and maintain a decent distance by doing something you like.
You can also distract yourself in preparations at your home. Getting food together (not a meal, but hors d'oeuvres), occupying yourself with the baby (nursing, diapering, etc), and little things. I wouldn't fetch things for them, but maybe forget the napkins so you can disappear again.
Just talk about very empty things. If you direct questions about their life and things they like, then you never give her the chance to question or criticize your life. Talk about their friends back home, the trip, their hobbies, etc. Anything that will get them talking will keep you from having to talk much.
I know what you mean about wanting your mom there. But, it might seem a bit hostile to your DP's parents. For you to be talking to her and not them would be rude. You don't want to be rude. You want to be nice. Then they will have to make up stories about how terrible you are. Also, if they do start in on you, your mom might have a hard time biting her tongue. The person who should fight a battle with them is your DP.
I'll tell you the ultimate goal for the situation - for you to come out of the day with your DP happy and proud that you put forth the effort for him (because it's definitely not for them). It will make him very happy in your relationship to know that you care enough for him not to cause him stress. Remember, he's getting stress from his parents through all this. You want to come out of the interaction smelling like a rose, so to speak. This is all about caring for him. It's one of the small manipulations that will pay off a thousand times over in your relationship.
Besides, I don't think your DP would allow them to berate you in front of him. He doesn't sound terribly impressed by his mother's behavior. That would be the deal breaker for the visit - he'll need to tell them to leave if they step out of bounds.
I hope this is sounding better for you, or at least more manageable.
Jenn
I think one of the hardest aspects of an in-law conflict is setting aside the desire to resolve what is essentially an unresolvable issue. I know that you know that there's no way you're ever going to see eye to eye with MIL. I mean, that's just reason. Still, as a woman who loves her husband and is, whether they like it or not, a part of and the future of their family, its still instinct to desire that closeness that they're denying you.
Happily, you have SIL and DP to blow off steam with, but that doesn't solve the problem you'll face when they come to visit. God forbid you have the post-baby hormones I had because its possible that following the birth, every little freaking thing may get under your skin. (My sister gave her cat to our parents because he was rubbing against pipes in the bathroom and it drove her nuts.)
The answer is, just stop fighting. Find a way to let it just run off of your back. Keep in mind that they are not the kind of people who opinion really matters to you. They're coming, its reality, and out of sheer respect for your husband, you're allowing it. Don't speak to them if you don't want to. Don't worry about initiating conversation, they've made their opinions very clear. If they engage you in conversation, answer succinctly and that's it. If she starts a fight, take the baby and leave the room. If she rants, she looks like the idiot, not you. Don't yell, don't scream, don't cry. Their taunts, their badmouthing, it means nothing to you because honestly, is MIL sane enough for you to take seriously? I really recommend getting into this frame of mind. Practice it in your head. Definately follow the suggestion of laying ground rules with DP regarding their visit, so that he's not surprised by anything and you're on the same page. If you can, try not to put him in the middle of a big ugly mess, but definately expect him to support you.
You'll find the bond between you and DP will probably become even stronger after the baby is born, but you may find more competition from MIL as she tries to undermine you not just with DP, but now with baby as well. She'll go after your mothering capabilities and question them with DP. DON'T BITE INTO IT. She'll want you to. When she argues about baby's care, just say, "I appreciate your advice, but I feel more comfortable doing it this way." Don't try an explain yourself. It'll totally throw her.
If she becomes unbearable for both you and DP, remove her from the home and tell her you'd love to see her again when she can treat you civily. Say it civily, smile, and both of you escort her to the door.
Good for you and DP for keeping your wits about you, but I'm still so sorry you have to deal with this especially during such a wonderful time in your lives. Keep us updated and take care.
Edited 9/26/2006 1:06 pm ET by patience_is_a_virtue
I strongly agree with the advice to take the high road, and show your family that you have decided to be a much more mature lady than your MIL is.
"I feel really uncomfortable with them being in my house and hate welcoming them when they are not welcome."
These are all feelings. I completely understand that creepy feeling of allowing someone you dislike into your home. But there are family situations when that must happen sometimes. We cannot decide what is RIGHT, by consulting only our personal feelings.
That is what your MIL is doing, and you don't want to BE LIKE HER.
Our of her jealousy of you, she feels justified in spewing venom at the woman who will be the GATEWAY between her and her grandchildren. That is a REALLY stupid decision. And childish.
It may feel rather unfair that your husband and FIL will be hoping that you can show more maturity than MIL does. With all the years SHE has had to learn this stuff, and you being just a young bride, and pregnant to boot! But I think that you can do it!!
And if you do, you can be very proud. I'll bet your hubby will be proud, too. Set up whatever rules or code words with hubby that will help you to feel supported during the visits. Keep them simple (don't offer them a meal) and somewhat brief. Your home is by far the best place for a one-month old... one passer-by with a headcold can put a newborn in the hospital before you can even blink.
Hi guys
Thank you for your invaluable advice.
I spoke with DP about this last night and he doesn't feel happy with them being in our house when I feel so uncomfortable around them - esp after some of what MIL wrote about me in the email she sent to me.
He said he will explain this to them and give them the opportunity to put things right with me before Christmas and if they don't do ANYTHING about it (as they haven't to date) then they won't be invited round.
The only thing is, I get the feeling that MIL still doesn't think she has done anything wrong so won't say anything to me.
Apparently, when DP met up with them to talk about this email, MIL said that from memory, she couldn't remember what she wrote in the email that could have offended me so much...even though at the end of the email she had stated that she thought if I read the email then she thinks that I would never speak to them again. DP laughed at her and said that she should try re-reading the email. Then when it was brought up again, he was told by them that it wasn't up for discussion and they wanted to put it behind them - of course they want to put it behind them. MIL had probably re-read the email and didn't want to deal with the consequences.
I know I am really lucky having an understanding DP. I explained to him that I knew it would end up with me being the bigger person and just letting them into my home regardless of what they are allowed to say about me whilst getting off scot-free. The thing is, I feel like this would cause resent and tension between DP and me - I now know what these people are capable of doing and saying and I don't want us to be upset by them anymore and won't allow them to do it.
We'll see what happens once DP has spoken to them today. I can see this amounting to nothing though as it has before.
Your advice about when they eventually do come round to my house is great. I feel a lot more confident about what I should do when I am around them so thanks. I just need to get to a stage where I can actually bring myself to be around them.
Thanks for replying ladies
Sarah
Sarah,
That's great news. You do have a terrific DP!
Keep us posted how their chat goes.
:)
Jenn