Advice on YSIL, Please
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| Tue, 09-26-2006 - 10:15pm |
Sorry... this is sort of long.... but I very much appreciate any advice.
I should start by saying my DH and I have a wonderful marriage, and I love my MIL and FIL dearly. They've really embraced me in their family, and my MIL, especially, lets me know how thankful they are that I make their son happy. I enjoy our relationship - they're great people.
That said, DH has a sister (younger) who behaves like a spoiled brat. Every family get-together is like her own personal show where she only talks about herself, doesn't engage in conversation (meaning all conversation is one-sided), makes a point of alerting us all to her digestive processes as they occur, and occasionally makes an observation about my hair or clothes, typically in a condescending tone. She has no direction career-wise, although she likes to talk about making lots of money. She's constantly bitter at not having a boyfriend. DH says that she's always been the center of attention, so that's just the way it is.
Over the last 5+ years, I have always included her in all family functions, tried to be supportive of her latest career choice, been the one to pick out her birthday and Christmas gifts, taken her and her friend to a concert, and arranged a get-together for her with nice folks (and young men) her age so that she might make friends.
Long story short... she decided that since I was married to her brother, we had to become friends. I like to take my relationships slowly and develop meaningful friendships over time. I guess in an effort to bond, she has reached out, but only to invite me to a selling party, to which I didn't go but was still asked, "You're still going to buy something, right?" and also lunch during the work week. I am extremely busy in my career and rarely, if ever, take a lunch. I explained it to her, but I suppose she took it personally, because in the meantime, she all but ignored my birthday (no gift or card this year!), completely ignored me at the last family function, and now has invited only DH to some family function, hoping he can "get away that night". Get away from what? Me?
I've never encountered such rudeness, and from a family member no less. I've never known couples to be invited separately when one is not liked, and this feels like a huge slap in the face. As far as she's concerned, she doesn't even know my displeasure at being around her, because I've always been gracious - it was how I was raised. I was just biding my time until she matures. I asked DH to be honest with her when the lunch thing came up, but to get her to ease up on the 'friend campaign', he told her that I don't care to have a relationship with my in-laws, which is not true, and I can only hope was not repeated to MIL and FIL. When do I address this problem directly with her or do I let DH deal with it as he sees fit? And is it too much for me to ask DH to tell her directly that she's rude and disrespectful and maybe that's why I don't care to be around her? Or do I? I'm really at a loss as to the right thing to do. I also don't want to risk my relationship with MIL and FIL.
Thanks for letting me vent and again, I appreciate any and all advice.....
L.B.

He told his sis that you don't care to have a relationship with your in laws? Yipes! Is he just really clumsy, or does he truly believe this? I would first make sure that my husband understood that this is not true. I would guess that the most important thing here is that you behave in a way that your husband can respect and admire, so that your relationship remains strong.
"Over the last 5+ years, I have always included her... tried to be supportive... taken her and her friend to a concert..."
It was very kind-hearted of you to make such a huge effort. Unfortunately, the harder you tried, the bigger was your disappointment when your efforts were seen as no more than what SIL felt she 'deserved.' It looks as though she is accoustomed to being spoiled, and you showed her that you were willing to join the family in spoiling her also. Do you think that's true? So now, when you cease, she WILL become very angry and spiteful. Your good deeds will not go un-punished. Oh no!
I guess I don't have any solid suggestions as to your next move with her, except to be super careful to be completely polite. I do have suggestions on what not to do. Don't put yourself out for her, because you will only increase your own disappointment. Don't go the extra mile for her, because she will not be returning the favor. Don't complain about her to your husband (you already knew that one, right?). And if HE complains about his sister to you, don't join in. Trust me, in a few years this will probably blow over. And 25 years from now, when you are both busy raising your families, even the SIL may be laughing about it with you.
Is SIL still rather young? If so, I will cross my fingers for you, 'cause she may still grow out of this. GL.
Thank you so much for your advice, rosemile. You pointed out something I definitely had not realized as to why she seems so angry with me now. Yes, I have pulled back a little, and by not catering to her, it would make sense that she would be angry and spiteful. So ironic - you're right about good deeds! I just feel like I can't win unless I cave to her demands for attention, and I refuse to do that.
Honestly, I think DH is so afraid of hurting his sister's feelings that while he says he agrees she is rude and selfish, he came up with the excuse on my behalf about not wanting a relationship with my in-laws. You ask a good question though - I guess I can't say for sure whether or not he believes it. At the time he told me, I was floored and emphasized that I do love my relationship with his parents. He never did clear it up with SIL though, for fear of making her feel badly, and it seems to be easier to make it seem like I'm the problem.
My fear is that if this issue isn't resolved, I'm going to have a husband who is fine with attending family functions without me, the holidays are going to be a nightmare, and SIL will make it through the rest of her 20s and beyond behaving like a spoiled child (she's in in her mid-20s now). Like you said, I would hope someday we can all look back on this and laugh, but DH would prefer to keep us (SIL and myself) apart for the rest of our lives. Not very realistic though, nor would I want that.
I'll proceed with politeness and try not to add this silly family drama. I'm not a fan of such games.
Thank you again - you've really helped my spirits.
LB
I am glad that you cleared up her age. At first I was under the imporession that she was a teen.
Since she is an adult, this changes things a bit.
It is time for you and your husband to set down and get some things straight. Then you and your husband need to sit down with her and lay down the rules and expectations of conduct. If this girl was 16 or 17 then I would say you live and learn, but in her 20's? NO WAY
Your husband should be there so that he can apologize for the miscommunication about you not wanting a relationship with your IL's and so he can tell her that she is no longer the baby of the family and it is time that she grew up and treated you with respect becuase when she treats you badly, she is telling her brother that she doesn't care for the choices he made. It is disrecpectful to both of you.
If someone does not do it now, then she will just get worse as she gets older. I know that this hurts you now, so how will it feel 5-10 years from now if you start a family and invitations to family functions are extended to your child(ren)and your husband only?
Thank you, alleycat007! I should have stated her age before, because you're right - she IS an adult. My problem is that because she is an adult, I cannot accept the 'permanent' fact that she is so rude and disrespectful. I like your approach of being direct with her, if I can convince DH to do so. I think if I took it on, she'd never forgive me, but I would hope she would take what her brother says to heart.
Part of my sensitivity about this is that in order to keep the peace, I felt DH fumbled his way through, at my expense. I cannot imagine a future of non-invitations and exclusions, but I have the feeling that without some intervention now, it could happen. I figure one of two things will happen - 1.) she FINALLY takes a look at herself and changes her behavior, 2.) it makes her even angrier that I may have 'stolen' her brother. I fear 2., but maybe then DH will realize that his sister forced this issue.
Thank you for the advice - I feel much better knowing I'm not completely insane for being offended. I'd like to dole out a little of my self-doubt to SIL. Isn't it supposed to be that when you marry, your spouse is #1? I can't imagine letting anyone in my family ever treat DH with disrespect. I was afraid I was old-fashioned already in my 30s. :)
Thanks again!
L.B.
Thank you!
I appreciate the validation - you're absolutely right, and the precedent that this would set, as far as future family functions, particularly when we start our family, could be up pretty ugly. I'm a pretty simple, undramatic person just trying to get through life like everyone else, thankful to have found my best friend in DH - I don't care for the rude shenanigans and seemingly endless sophomoric drama.
DH and I had a good talk last night, and he assured me that we should be invited as a couple, or SIL makes the choice to continue her bad behavior and that will be the end of our attendance. I made it clear that this is fixable and I'm perfectly willing to forgive and forget provided she begins to show some respect to both of us. When that may be is up to her, and until then, I'm going to lay low. DH did ask for my help in figuring out his conversation with SIL.
Thanks to all for your advice and support - I've really appreciated it!
Best to All ~
L.B.