what do you do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
what do you do??
6
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 5:50pm

My inlaws are nuts! When DH and I decided to get married they told us they would give us $5K for the wedding. Thats fine. When DH's brother got married, they got $10K plus a wedding gift. We know this bc BIL told us and his parents told DH they would give him his $10K so he could pay off his student loans. He never got his money (this money was coming from a family inheritance). We assumed they were waiting until we got married since I had just entered the picture. So...as the our wedding nears, no money materializes. They say "the grooms' family pays only for the alcohol"...then they say the catering is part of the alcohol...then its not...etc. It was a yo-yo ride. I cashed in the investments we have for our future to be sure we had enough money. The day after the wedding, his parents pay the catering & alcohol bill - which was $3800. We were very happily shocked. Today, they call DH at work to tell him that the wedding "busted" them and we should think about what we think is really FAIR. They are driving us to the airport for our honeymoon and they'd like us to tell them then what we feel is fair payback.

I'm flabbergasted. DH's parents were given over 1/2 million dollars 2 rs ago. They go on cruises every 6 months, own their homes outright, have 2 brand new cars...and they can't afford $3800? DH says they are complaining about the open bar and saying they will be "in hock" over this. We agreed to $1300 for the alochol (we gave out drink tickets to ensure we stuck to that).

How much should we give back? I have about $2000 left over from my investments. Should I cash in more investments or just give them the $2K? What would you do? I really don't want them hanging this over my head for the rest of our lives - I'd rather give them their money back and be done with it. Of course, this is all MY personal money that I saved before I met DH...and this will be close to tapping me out. I am thinking its worth it tho - what do you think?

The ironic thing is, my mother has been a single mother on disability for 20 yrs and she saved up enough money to pay MORE than this both working FT able bodied parents! DH has apologized to me repeatedly about this bc at the beginning of the wedding planning he made alot of concessions for his parents saying, "they are paying alot for this wedding so we should do it for them." He's learned a valuable lesson here.

Thanks for the vent! That felt good!
Go.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goroque
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 7:28pm

I would pay back every red cent they paid in. That way, they can no longer whine about how poor they are. If they ever bring it up again, you should tell them that they got paid in FULL, you owe them nothing so shut up.

If your husband was to inherit some money, you need to check into that. If it is indeed HIS money, his parents are stealing from him.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goroque
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:51pm
Boy if I was your Dh I would be asking them of they are demanding that BIL payback the 10k he was given. If not I would tell them to take a flying leap because they got $500k and that maybe they would be so 'poor' if they would quit taking cruises. Was Dh suppose to get any of the inheritance? I personally wouldn't give them any of my money that I have saved up for the future. I would lie and say you are tapped out. But then I am snotty like that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 1:04am

Hi,

Sorry for your situation, especially so soon after your wedding! But I think you should pay back every penny, for several reasons:

1. Money = Control. If they pay, they will hold it over your heads for the rest of your life, eventually wanting payback in one form or another.

2. They might be broke. Most people go through an inheritance within six months to a year. If they are taking cruises, own their home outright, have new cars, etc., they might actually be in debt! It sounds like they got that money and embarked on a lifestyle outside of their real means. Most people in that situation don't realize that they are broke until it's too late. They make promises that they don't keep because they can't keep them.

3. Responsibility = Power. If you and your DH decide to take full responsibility for the bill and pay back your ILs, then you have the ultimate power and control over your own financial lives. Nobody can tell you what to do down the road, and you will be stronger as a couple. Maybe you will have to start over with your savings/investments, but in the end you will be able to take all the credit for your financial accomplishments.

4. Bad feelings now = Worse feelings later. If things with the ILs are this tense now, they will probably get worse. Paying them back will erase their future opportunity to lay guilt trips on you. If they are already calling your DH at work to talk about payback, imagine what they will say 10 years down the road about how you guys put them in hock! They will blame you for every problem they have from now until then.

I hope this helps some. My DH and I are financially independent from our families, and it is SO worth it! Even if you can't pay your ILs back right away, maybe you could make monthly payments (so you wouldn't have to cash out investments and incur taxes or penalties). Whatever you decide, I wish you and your DH the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:44am

I say either pay them back or tell them to get out of your lives.

If you decide to pay them back, insist on a receipt *signed by both of them* - see it *before* the money gets into their hands. Both you and DH together.

If they whine about it *at all*, look them square in the eyes and tell them you want what's fair. If DH wants to lay into them about the whining, especially if they have the nerve to mention "trust", you just stand beside him - don't add to it.

Then I suggest minimizing contact and refusing to talk money with them, to the point of hanging up or walking out if they won't accept a subject change.

Do not accept *any* communications from them while on your honeymoon even if they claim it's an "emergency". The risk of it being about money is just too great. If it's written, forward it to your home or put it in the very bottom of the suitcase you use for dirty laundry. :o)

Take a cab to the airport, even if you have to put it on a credit card. DO NOT START YOUR HONEYMOON ON *THAT* NOTE!!!!!! Put these horribly selfish people (bringing that crap up before your *honeymoon* for crying out loud!) out of your minds as your feet hit the gang
way to the airplane, focus on each other, focus on the shared enjoyment, the shared lives, the love. Put everything else aside. You *know* it'll be there when you get back, so let it go for this little bit of time.

I wish you two the very best, starting out together on life's journey. Be grateful your man sees the nutty behavior as nutty, and not normal.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 2:34pm

Thanks for the advice. I agree. Its why I always insist that DH pay for dinner and not let them pay for us. I'm an adult and like to act like one. Basically, I have about $3K left in my savings - I had $10K but I spent it on the wedding & DH's student loans. So he would never let me give the rest of my savings to his parents...he just wouldn't feel right about that. See, I've worked 2 or 3 jobs for many years to buy our home and save this money. I have no debts. He did when I met him but he is paying everything off - I am just helping so it goes quicker.

I think the suggestion that we take a cab to the airport is probably a very good one. It'll cost alot...but DH said his mother already gave him a lecture that 2 hours is not enough time that we should be at the airport 3 hours before our flight. I can only imagine what else she'll have to say.

Thanks to everyone who responded. It just helps to vent.

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: goroque
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:20pm

Hi Goroque, welcome to the board!

I don't think it is right that they are asking for the $$ back, but that is what they are doing. If it were me, I would pay them back ALL the money and type something up for them to sign that says that you paid them back how much $$ for whatever parts of the wedding it went towards and then they both sign it.

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