Please help me think of an excuse!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Please help me think of an excuse!
6
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 3:48pm

Please help!

My FMIL throws a holiday party each new years eve. And this year, I just don't want to go. This party is really a huge deal for her, her family, friends, community and the few hundred people who end up attending.

How in the heck can I get out of this gracefully? I just wish my FDH and I can just have one new year's eve together, alone (or at a different party that we choose to attend, or at least one that's not out og town). And I don't want to commit myself two years in a row to this party because then she will expect us to attend every year for the rest of our lives, (as she already does). I technically have not committed myself to attend though. But the pressure will be on soon.

Now, I've prepared myself for the possibility that my FDH will feel obligated to attend his mother's party regardless of whether I attend or not. And this raises another issue. If he chooses her party over spending new year's eve with me...is that going to be the case with everything for the rest of our lives when it comes to my wishes versus hers???

Keep in mind, there are other MIL issues involved too (or else I wouldn't be on this message board). But I wanted to focus on this one issue. I was reading some of the other postings and you guys give such awesome advice.

Thanks so much (in advance)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 4:37pm

You have to sit down with your fiance and have a upfront uncomfortable discussion about whether or not you BOTH are going or not. First though, figure out if this is a hill you want to die on. Do you have anything in mind to do on New Years Eve instead? Is it really that difficult to go to her party for an obligitory showing and then go to a different party after? Can't it be as simple as stating politely "We've got an invite for two parties so we'll be over at 9 and then at 11 we're going to go to John and Janes for their party. Love you" and the end? I mean, she has this party every year so it is not like next year you won't be able to be there.

But ultimately, you and your fiance have to present a united front in setting boundaries with his family and your family. As you progress as a couple and start your own family you'll want to start implimenting your own traditions. If you can't be united on a petty issue like a party, you should have no expectation to be united on major issues. So talk to your fiance and agree on what you are going to do as a "we", and let his mom take and react to the information as she chooses. You can't live your life to make her happy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:18pm

Why is it that you don't want to go to this party? Why it is so important to spend New Year's at a different venue or alone with your fiance? Is New Years Eve the only event that she expects you to attend? You say there are other issues that you have with her, so they affect your decision not to go to this party?

If you have a compelling reason for not wanting to attend, then by all means discuss it with your fiance and find an alternative to spending the entire evening there. But if you don't, then why risk damaging your relationship with your FMIL? This party is obviously important to her, so it's likely that she'll resent you not attending. Especially if it means that your fiance--her son--doesn't attend either.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:43am
Why shouldn't an adult go where they want to go for holidays? Maybe it is high time the FMIL realizes that her son is grown, and she should not expect everything to be centered around her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:15pm

Hi Kellybean06, welcome to the board!

You need to talk to your FDH to see what he wants to do for New Year's Eve. Let him know that you would like to spend it by yourselves or with your mutual friends for the evening, instead of with your FMIL. Tell him that you don't want her to expect the two of you to be there every year. If he does decide to go anyway, then you need to decide if you want to be with him or not on that day. If you decide to be with him, then you will be at your FMIL's party. If not, you will be somewhere else, but not ringing in the New Year with your FDH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 4:38pm
I have been happily married for over 13 years. My husband has 9 brothers and 2 sisters. I have more sister in law stories that you would never imagine. I always tell myself taht someday I am going to write a book and make a million $$. Over the years I have learned the #1 way to keep my sanity is to live by the rule I am married to my husband and NOT his family. Just because you married into the family doesn't mean they are going to welcome you with open arms. You have to establish boundaries. Over the past 4 years we have been able to break away from the family parties and start our own traditions. Last year was one of the best holiday parties we have ever had. Start your own traditions with your husband when it comes to holiday time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy time with your husband during the Holidays. Keep in mind, if you don't set boundaries now it will only be harder if you decide to have children. I learned the hard way. No EXCUSES - be honest with yourself and the family. You are ready to start your own traditions and spend time with your husband. Best of Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 4:46pm

Hello,

Personally, I do not think that you need an excuse. Just be honest...you want to have a romantic New Years Eve alone with your Fdh. You are NOT obligated to go. There is nothing wrong with skipping it this year. If FMIL doesnt like it too bad...you arent marrying her. Just like another poster said...maybe you can tell her that a very good friend of yours has asked that you join her and fdh at her party and you would love to go. I think you and your fiance are adults and are not obligated to do anything you do not want to do. ONe year without spending it with her will not or should not be a problem with FMIL and if it is, she will get over it or too damn bad.

Keep us posted!
~L