how do I help my sister with her mil?
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| Thu, 09-28-2006 - 3:49pm |
Help! My sister's mil is a very self-centered person. She often makes comments that either she doesn't realize how others will take it, or she does know how what she says affects others and just doesn't care. She has been a thorn in my sister's side since she started trying to conceive her first child. Now that the baby is born, her mil has turned up the craziness. There are several examples, but the big one is that (and tell me if I'm out of line in thinking that this is just WEIRD), but her mil found a picture of herself and her son (my sisters DH) when he was born. They were posed in the bed together. She showed it to them, and they thought it was very nice. Then my sister noticed that her mil had pinned her hair up like it was in the picture. Interesting, but she didn't comment. Then, her mil calls her son and says she wants to recreate the picture, with HER posing with the baby! Hello! Who is the mother here? If she wants to pose with her GRANDDAUGHTER who is not her daughter, then she should pose as the grandmother! She is showing serious signs of some sort of baby envy, and this is just on top of the fact that she sort of substituted her son for her husband in many ways. Of course the DH said he thought it was a GREAT idea, without even asking my sister how she felt.
I think its just nuts. And I can't call this woman up and tell her to lay off, because its not my place. But what can I tell my sister that would help? Should he call his mom back and just say he changed his mind? Am I overreacting?
Feel free to be honest - and I'm sorry for the rant. I am just so stunned at the gall of this woman. She is overcritical, interfering, self-centered, unhelpful and on, and on, and on...
Thanks,
Deb
(proud Auntie!)

Personally, I think having a beef with the example you've given is petty and childish. Granted, every new mother with emotions running high (especially so for a long awaited child like your sisters) takes a defensive stance on another mother (usually her MIL not her own interestingly enough) doing anything motherly with HER baby! That said however, so what? His mom sees resemblence of her son in her granddaughter. She's got a photo she wants to recreate with her and her baby son and her and her baby granddaughter. Why is that a bad and threatening thing? She'll probably put them side by side to show how similar the babies look. It's sweet and adoring, like all grannies should be. Come to think of it, my own mother in law has a photo of herself holding Dan when he was about 8 months old over her sholder and she's looking at the camera and so is he. By chance, I took a picture of her holding my DD Caroline when she was 9 months old in the same possition. Didn't realize until the photo was developed that it was a replica of one she had with Dan. She blew the two up to 5x7 each and put them in a side-by-side frame. The photo's are amazing. If it weren't for the hair color on MIL being different and one baby being in a dress, you couldn't tell which was Dan and which was Caroline.
I know she is your sister and you love her and as such you side with her, but this just sounds like no big deal. Objectively can you imagine your sister freaking out like this if your mother wanted to take a photo of your sisters child in a pose the same as a photo of your mother holding your sister as a baby? Would she be all upset that your mother was...well what, what is so awful that her MIL is wanting to do, take a picture!? It's not like she's changing the clothes she was brought in into something else, or re-diapering the baby or something.
The woman might be everything you've mentioned here and more, but she is still the baby's grandmother and it's still a petty squabble over a photo. If this woman is all of those things and more, there are bigger hills to die on than this.
Hi, thanks for your quick reply! You are right, emotions are running very high right now. Although, I do want to point out that it is not just posing similarly, she wants to do her hair the way it was 34 years ago, and wear the same clothes. That's the bizarre part. I would have no qualms if she just wanted to pose similarly. That is, as you said, sweet and adoring.
You ARE right, the issue is much larger than just the photo. Its the whole package. I am worried that my sister will not be able to put her foot down about the normal boundaries that they will need, and she will not be able to shrug off the cutting comments she makes, or the way she inserts herself into everything. And I worry that her husband will not support her. I should have used a better example, but it was the most recent one.
Whew. I was glad you replied, and now I am calmer. Instead of getting hyper at my sister, I will try to be reasonable and perhaps a bit more soothing :-)
Well, if this woman has this type of track record and your sister feels that she has been over-stepping boundaries, particularly when it comes to the baby, then I think you have good reason to be concerned about this. One of my questions would be the type of pose in the picture -- is it a simple holding baby in the lap or is it a pose that conveys a level of intimacy with the baby that is distinctly motherly?
I wish I had trusted my instincts when it came to SMIL and my DD. Each incident by itself could easily be be brushed aside as "Oh, she's just enthusiastic..." or "Oh, she just really loves her....", etc. But I knew in my gut that the stuff she said and did was not really normal and that she wanted more from DD than a basic "grandma" type of relationship. She even convinced DH to plan an overnight with her when DD was only 2 weeks old and if I objected to tell me that he needed alone time with me and a night off and to not take "no" for an answer. If I could turn back time I would go back to just before DD was born and handle things much differently. I would stand my ground and not be afraid to make waves or offend.
The best thing you can do for your sister is support her and reassure her that she is the mother and that if it feels wronmg or uncomfortable, she has ever right to speak up and say so. This is her child and no one else should be trying to step into that role.
Wow, your mil sounds like my sisters. She certainly does have that kind of track record. The history is what makes it so troubling. I'm glad you mentioned trusting your gut. I told my sister to do that. If something feels strange, and it keeps occuring, then you have a pattern going on and it should not be ignored. The sad thing is that her dh is not even aware of what is going on. But she's got enough proof that something weird is going on, that he'd be blind not to get it after she shows him her list. And some of this stuff her mil says to her is done when her dh is not around, so its going to be her word against the mil's.
Were you able to set up some boundaries, even if it was later on after your dd was born and your mil began acting strangely? What kinds of things worked for you?
Thanks for your post!
I have to agree with Dan's wife here. I myself was very protective of the time my inlaws spent with my children as infants. It was this odd instinct that kicked in. I'm not sure why, I really had nothing to worry about. But as far as the photo goes, I think its actually kind of creative and I've heard of the tradition before of recreating family photos from generation to generation and displaying the photos together.
Again, I think emotions really are running high when you're a new Mom and unless MIL really seems dangerous for some reason, I'd ask sister to try and look at it from a different, less defensive point of view.
I wish I had some fabulous stories to share about what I did, but I was an idiot and did not have the courage to risk making waves. We did not start establishing firm boundaries until just over a year ago -- and DD was just about 10 by then!!
DH's family has had enough turmoil and baggage to fill a novel, so I won't get into all of that, but because of that I guess I just felt like I had to go along and make things as easy on DH as possible. That was a huge mistake on my part. I don't know that DH would have been to see the handwriting on the wall even if I had compiled a list of every event or comment that felt wrong and inappropriate to me. But I still could have said "I am the mother. And as the mother, this is what I feel is appropriate (or that is something that I am not comfortable with)."
Part of me feels cheated, like the first 10 years of her life there was an obstacle between us and something interfering. SMIL was puposefully trying to undermine my relationship withh DD and DD's relatonship with her brother (DS). Since we set down firm boundaries, SMIL threw a fit and basically stays away (by her own choice). DD has no real desire to see her or hear from her (she was starting to realize what was going on and I think it was making her very uncomfortable as she got older). Anyway, maybe if I had set down boundaries in the beginning, SMIL would have taken it better and not decided that it had to be all or nothing.
The moral of the story -- tell your sister to trust her instincts and if she thinks someone is trampling on her toes as the mother, then they are!!