Dont understand it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Dont understand it
8
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:16am
I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice or at least tell me that Im not the only one going through this. My mother in law, and most of my in laws absolutely adore my husbands ex. They invite her over all the time, even to holiday dinners. Then they dont understand why it makes us uncomfortable. My husbands ex has gone to great lengths to hurt us, and she has succeeded very well in the past 4 years that we have been married. She is very evil and spiteful and shows this whenever we are around. When we show up at his moms house and we find his ex there, his mother tells us that if we dont like it we can leave, even during holiday events. She actually told my husband that his ex if more of a family to her that he is! And he hasnt done anything to his mother to deserve this. We have tried explaining how we feel to his mother many times to no avail. His ex recently got married and invited several members of my husbands family to the wedding and also some of them to be in the wedding itself. When she had her baby shower, she was upset that some of his family said they would not go (the ones that side with us). One Christmas when we went to his mothers house, I walked in to find his ex and her friend, who is also his ex. They were upset that we were there and his ex said to the other, 'Im sorry I didnt know they were going to be here!' There was no reason for us not to be there. Some of the family has started having holidays at their houses and they do not invite his ex, but his mother wont budge. Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:53am

OMG! What kind of mother chooses an ex over her own child?????

A continuing relationship with the ex-spouse of a child can be understood if managed properly, but rejecting one's own child in favor of an ex-spouse is just sick.

I say she has made her choice, so either start holiday parties at your own house and invite people with whom you have an actual relationship or attend those of the reasonable family members who seem to have a better grip on the concept of family.

Treat her as you would any other somewhat rude and obnoxious adult that you have to encounter sometimes but can avoid for the most part. You know, distantly polite. It's her choice.

I do suggest counseling by a trusted clergymember or professional counselor, just to help him (and you) come to terms with his loss. I'm sure it's as painful as if she had died, since he "loses" her over and over again.

Wow. {{{hugs}}} to you and your husband.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:47am
I'd say your inlaws have made their choice. Thank goodness that you have one another. Since they feel his ex's are more family than the two of you and you have politely pointed out your feelings, I frankly wouldn't try anymore. They deserve one another and without saying anything I'd cease your visits with the relatives who have regected you. My guess is they'll start noticing your absence after awhile. The two of you are your own family. Sounds harsh but, I think you've given your all. Time to write them off. Neither of you deserve this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:56pm

What do you mean by "help!"? Are you wanting to know the magical sentence to say to get your MIL to stop her attachment to her former DIL? Are you wanting someone to tell you the steps to take to get his mother to see how she is hurting you both and how to get her to stop? I'm sorry, no such words exist.

His mother has laid it out. She chooses her former DIL over her own son. Now that's got to be some deep seeded anger at him for divorcing her. Inviting her because she enjoys the womans company is one thing, saying if you don't like it YOU leave is another. It's her house and she has every right to choose whom she has in it, and sadly she is not choosing you and her son.

The ONLY thing you can do is accept it. This is who his mother is. You feel uncomfortable, don't go. Holidays or not, don't go. Make plans with his other family members that are starting to not go either. And do it with out guilt. You didn't make this decision SHE did. You are just abiding by it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:53pm
Thank you for your message, however, my husband and his ex were never married. So there is no anger for him divorcing her, she is just an ex girlfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 5:50pm
Hmm. Well, there is anger there, maybe it's at him not marrying her? Either way, the actions of your MIL are hostile actions, and those are done out of deep anger.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:30pm

Hi bobbijeans, welcome to the board!

Since your MIL has told you that if you and DH don't like the ex being there then you don't have to come at all, I would say that she has made her decision. If it were me, I would stay away. She obviously doesn't want you and DH over. She'd rather have his exes over. I think that is just ridiculous and I don't know what she is trying to prove by doing that. In the end, she is losing, not you and DH. She has made it clear. I would stay away until she doesn't have DH's exes over anymore. Start your own traditions or go over other ILs houses for the holidays.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:37am

"Thank you for your message, however, my husband and his ex were never married. So there is no anger for him divorcing her, she is just an ex girlfriend."

I think the principle is still the same though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 9:59am

Lots of good feedback here already....

Personally, I think that the only reason that the ex even keeps up all these relationships and makes a point to visit your MIL, particularly on holidays, is to continue to stick it to you and DH. When you show any evidence that her actions, and MIL's actions that result from this, are hurtful to you both she is getting her payoff.

My advice would be to completely stop showing up at MIL's house. Continue to visit relatives that are not engaging in this hurtful behavior. Show no evidence that you are at all bothered by MIL's attitude -- like you could really care less if she is around or not and she can spend her time with whomever she wants. Any time that the subject of MIL or the ex comes up with anyone, act as though that subject has absolutely no interest for you and DH and change the subject to something else.

After the ex and MIL are no longer getting any satisfaction from their liason affecting anyone, they will lose interest in it. My guess is that MIL will start to feel "left out" and want to re-establish the relationship with her son -- which I advise him to proceed very cautiously.