25 years of it, will it ever end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
25 years of it, will it ever end?
7
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:22pm

Hi folks, I really need a place to vent and hopefully some advice. I have been married for 25 years and you'd think by now these in law issues would be over. Well they would be except for one thing, my husband refuses to admit there is a problem.
Here's a rundown of a chain of events that started it all. 1982, We marry and I graciously ask my sister in law to be my bridesmaid. I had no relationship with her then but she accepted. We move out of state shortly afterward, not much trouble until returning to the state a few years later. We had to live with in laws due to financial strife, this caused quite a lot of stress with our sons being just babies at the time. Forward to 1986, sister in law marries and places my son and husband in wedding along with his performing duty of dj in her wedding. She does not ask me although she has 7 bridesmaids. The response from my DH "her wedding her choices". I decide to boycott wedding and am accused of being a monster because of it. I wouldn't have even had another human to talk to during the event so I was not going. Now we can advance a few more years ahead. My relationship with my father in law became very close which added animosity towards sister in law. In 1996 DH and I have a horrible fight over MIL because she accused me of starving my son who was very thin at the time. Then as she wept openly over it DH did everything to comfort mommy dearest while leaving me fuming. Moving to 2001 my husband decides to ask me for a divorce out of the blue. I had been horribly depressed for a few years and decided I was going to end it by suicide. I checked myself into the hospital. My father in law was there continually doing everything he could and was a true source of support along with my kids. I asked him to please have my sister in law and/or mother in law call me and we could clear the air. They flaty refused. A year later DH and I reconciled but I refused to deal with the in laws any longer. Sadly my father in law was killed in a tragic accident caused by my SIL's husband. My husband gave everything of my FIL's to my SIL. Everything I wanted I was told that she or her kids asked for it first. I became increasingly aggitated with my DH over all these issues and we have been in therapy for two years. Our problems were compounded by his frequent business trips out of the country. This weekend we went to his bosses wedding and I tried to talk about the hurt that I am still experiencing from years ago all stemming from that wedding in the beggining. I know that sounds shallow but it is what started it all. SIL showed me right there and then that she was not interested in having a friendship with me and my husband never supported that. Recently my son came home from the Navy and MIL invited herself into my home while I was at work to see him. Of course DH thought that was not a problem and I should get over it. Well I had gotten to a point where for his sake that I did allow the SIL to come visit with her family but now I think I should disallow it. This is my home too. It would help me immensely if I thought I was not in the wrong here. If you would be so kind as to offer your opinion I would be most appreciative.
Thanks so much.
Laura

Some details I forgot:
I sure did leave out some details. The post was getting too lengthy but if you care to read them I did omit the part about how MIL invited to the house was on her own and didn't ask my permission, just assumed she could come here when I flat out told her never again was she welcome here. My husband is welcome to go there and call her all he wants to. Dodged a bullet, no, she decided to come at 3 pm when I get off work at 3:30. So I had to hang out outside until she left.
Here's another pretty big detail I left out. SIL told me that when the time came for her to get married I would be the MAID OF HONOR! I think I was entitled to be angry about not being asked in that wedding. I will defend my position til my dying day and my husband knows that. I believe I am just in saying that she destroyed the hope of us getting along, not me. I let the wedding thing get out of hand by not going and I should have called her on it then but it's my DH who I really am having the hard time with. He should have stuck up for me on many many occasions. He should have told his mom to shut up for accusing me of starving our son, no one wants to address that. Instead he slapped me across the mouth for yelling at him later that night. Another detail I left out. Over and over again his actions have said to me that the in laws mean more to him than I do and that is the part I wonder if will ever end. My sister just left her husband of 20 years for the same reason.




Edited 10/3/2006 4:58 pm ET by dcatchpo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 12:44pm

Okay, I'm offering up my opinion as an objective outsider. I'm not there in the daily nitty-gritty, and I am only going off of what you've presented here. I know there is more to the story, so much more vilifying your in-laws and yourself, but I only have this here to go on.

"We marry and I graciously ask my sister in law to be my bridesmaid. I had no relationship with her then but she accepted. "

That was a very kind gesture.

"sister in law marries and places my son and husband in wedding...She does not ask me although she has 7 bridesmaids. The response from my DH "her wedding her choices""

Your DH was right.

"I decide to boycott wedding and am accused of being a monster because of it."

A monster, no. Childish and bratty yes. Boycotting the wedding because you weren't asked to be her bridesmade? She didn't owe you that when you invited her for yours having not even known her. Just because you were gracious does not mean she has to reciprocate in kind. It was wrong of you, and an act of hostility on your part. Not monsterous though.

"Recently my son came home from the Navy and MIL invited herself into my home while I was at work to see him. Of course DH thought that was not a problem and I should get over it."

Why IS this a problem? You weren't there. Your MIL wants to see her grandson, your DH gave permission, and had the good sense to do it while you weren't there to be aggitated by your MIL. There isn't anything to "get over". You weren't there. Phewsh, you dodged a bullet! Your son got to see his grandma and YOU didn't have to put up with that wretched woman. Why isn't it a win/win?

I'm not saying I think you are wrong. I am saying I think there is a better way to be handling this all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:07pm

Hi Laura.

I'm responding mainly to again back up Dan's wife. While it doesn't sound like the fault lies entirely with you, I am hearing alot more trival stuff that has been blown out of proportion. It sounds almost as if you're looking to be offended. I'm sorry you had to go through depression and other debilitating issues, my whole family, including myself, have been rife with those issues for years, but I'm having a hard time sympathising with the examples you've cited. Dan's wife pretty much put my same sentiments into the exact words I would have chosen. You sound as though you feel entitled for your good works.

I hope that you'll take this criticism in the spirit in which its given. We can live feeling entitled or like we should be paid back for every good thing we offer or we can give and love unconditionally. Trust me when I say that the latter is much less troublesome, much more freeing, and far less disappointing. Shrug things off. Stop holding onto grudges, accept those around you for the faulty people they are, and don't expect to be paid back. In answer to your question, no it never will end because that's life. The real question is, how will you adapt to the realities of it so that you can find some happiness?

I wish you much luck and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 2:48pm

I think you have a bigger problem with your husband. He hit you! That's domestic violence.
I suggest getting into counseling with an abuse specialist. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves to be abused.

cbc

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 5:30pm
I agree. This is yet ANOTHER case of a boy who should have stayed home with Mommy instead of putting a woman through hell for years and years. Why do these guys bother to marry?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 6:18am
See, you left out that he hit you in the original post. I'd say that's a huge deal. I think its time to sever the relationship. In the seconds following any partner of mine hitting me, I'd be waiting at the courthouse with my lawyer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:44am

I dated a man who hit me three times. And I've been married now for almost 10 years to a wonderful man who is smart enough to know that if he ever raises a hand to me, that is the last time he will ever be in the same room with me. My marriage would be over before his hand returned to his side.

Do you really want to live with a man who would hit you? The first time is the hardest. After that, it gets progressively easier. It starts out that they say they're sorry. Then we made them do it. Then we deserved it.

When do you want to say goodbye?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 6:44pm

Hi Dcatchpo, welcome to the board!

First off, I have to say that your SIL did not have to have you in her wedding. Even if she did tell you that you would be MOH, she still didn't have to have you in her wedding. I can see you being upset by it, but again, it is still her choice who she decides to have in her wedding. I think it would have been a nice gesture if she would have offered to have you in the wedding, but again, still her decision to make as to who she wanted/didn't want in her wedding.

As for your DH, it sounds like you have more of a DH problem than an IL problem. He doesn't want to recognize that there is a problem and is putting it all on you, making you out to be the problem. If MIL knows she isn't welcome in your house, then she shouldn't be coming over at all. How did she get in the house?

Also, it sounds like there is more going on than just fighting. Sounds like there is some physical violence as well. There is another board here at Ivillage called Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

They have great resources there and can help you get a plan together to leave your husband. Of course, leaving is your choice. If marriage counseling isn't working and in abuse situations it usually doesn't, I think you should strongly consider divorcing him. It doesn't sound like he wants to have a marriage. He wants to be able to tell you it is all your fault and not take any responsibility for anything.


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