need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
need to vent
21
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:52am

This is probably going to be a long one.

We have been married for 20 years and have lived together for 26. Four children - youngest 12 oldest 18. We have always been very happy and have never asked anyone for help or even relied on anyone for babysitting.

DH has an older sister and a younger brother and both have lived with their mom with their own families. Have always taken advantage of her, in my opinion. MIL was divorced before I met my DH and I have never even seen her date.

About 6 years ago we finally built our dream home out in the country. It is something we scrimped and saved for. After the first year MIL and BIL liked the area (about 50 miles from where they were living) and decided to also build out here AND on the same road. We thought it would be really nice to have everyone so close. Well, it started out ok, but gradually has escalated into a terrible thing. My DH is now expected to do everything for his mother. It's like he is her husband. This is very hard to explain. BIL has one child (7) and he's ALWAYS sent over here to "play" with our children. MIL babysits him the majority of the time. BIL is over here constantly and will even come here before picking up his child from MIL's house. My family has made comments that they have felt ignored when the BIL or MIL is here, but I had never really noticed it. Well, lately I supposed they have kicked it up a few notches and have made it very blatant with the scheming and little games. MIL will come over here and be very very nasty to me and when my DH walks in she totally turns into a sweetheart. When I explain this to him he just can't believe it. I don't know why he thinks I would ever make this crap up. My Mom suggested I confront her when she does this, so I did about a month ago and she didn't like it but everything seemed ok, even after DH came in and I explained what was going on--she was fine. Well, she went home and told her other son that I "jumped" her and then he was pissed at me. I hope all this makes sense.

My DH doesn't understand any of this and thinks I am being ridiculous. Of course, he's not really seen her in action (as far as her words) because she's slick. I have also found out she does the same things to my SIL, but she's seen what has happened to me so she has decided not to tell her DH (my BIL) about it. This has added even more pressure on me. I don't know what to do anymore. My DH has admitted that he has seen how I am ignored (and my family, when they are visiting). I recently had some close friends tell me that they too have felt ignored and that no matter what time day or night they visit the in-laws always show up. Unfortunately, I guess I was so wrapped up in my own drama with it that I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing to my friends/family.

I feel devastated that my DH has known and noticed this all these years and has not defended me and his children. He can't seem to do anything anymore without his mother and/or brother around. Until I figure out what to do, I have decided to remove myself from the situations when they arise. I go for a long walk in the woods, or leave for the grocery store, wash the car, ANYTHING to get away. Now they are playing games with my children and that will not be tolerated!

Alone and depressed, Lena

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:09pm

found this in another thread and it's exactly what I have been trying to get through my husbands head:

"P.S.-----even if your husband is her son, i was under the impression that when a man marries a woman, that woman, his wife, and any kids they may have become top priority, not his controlling mother! I am having this same problem right now, only we are engaged, and his mother is an absolute monster! Monster in law does not even begin to cover her! "

Am I asking too much??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:36pm
I'd invest in one of those "nanny" cams and record her doing this crap.
Catrina now
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:54pm

Dear Lena,

You really have to get your husband on your side, and then take a stand and the two of you together need to tell your MIL that you are to be respected and treated well, no more BS, or else!

Any idea why she suddenly started playing these games? If there's something else going on with her, maybe if you solve the other problem you'll solve yours.

I agree with taping a conversation if you feel like that's your only option. You've got to do something drastic to turn the situation around, and the most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same team. It doesn't sound like moving is going to be an option, and who's to say they won't follow you again. You have to stand your ground.

Good luck. I have a hard time with being tough and demanding respect, but it's the only way it's going to change.

-Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:54pm

I think you should videotape her. Or, at least just run a tape recorder so your DH can hear what she says to you. Then he can't possibly suggest that you are lying.

Also, since he admits that you and the kids are being ignored, I'd bring up the subject again to him. But make sure you say, "Honey, what do YOU think is the best way to handle this?" If that's all he can accept as honest right now, then work at that. My suggestion would be to start telling them that "I'm really sorry, but now isn't really a good time for a visit. We're just in the middle of...". And start to curtail their dropping in. Even if they show up, you don't have to let them come in and stay - especially if you have guests / friends over.

I had a sort of similar problem with my DH not believing me when it came to the crap his mother was pulling with me (she was living with us). After being told things weren't true, that I was imagining stuff, etc., he insisted that I had imagined something, and I looked right at him and asked, "Am I insane?" And he was floored, so I said, "Do you think I am a liar? Am I a dishonest person?" and he said no. So I said, "Well, if you don't think that I'm a liar, then I must be insane because you keep telling me that I'm imagining all this stuff. Maybe we should take me to a shrink." He was absolutely bewildered. I just kept telling him that I must be crazy to hallucinate all this. That kind of gave him a good swift kick in the butt. We still obviously disagree if he thinks I'm being unreasonable, but he doesn't accuse me of lying or being nuts.

Honestly, we were on the verge of a divorce with our beautiful DD less than 6 months old. I just couldn't take it anymore. I did actually ask him if he thought I said what I said about his mother because I thought it made for a happier marriage. That kind of took him by surprise, too.

I hope this helps. You need to help him see the light. Video or audio tape her so he can HEAR for himself what she does. And just ask him, "What makes you think that I like telling you this? Do you think I'm doing this because I like fighting and it makes us happy?"

Be straight and honest. You'll be okay. Your kids need you to do this.

Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:58pm

Thank you for responding so fast Lori. The nanny cam is a great idea. I can set up the camcorder we don't hardly use and just walk over and click it on without her even realizing what I am doing. Even if she's not sitting where I aim it, I think the "sound" will tell the whole story.

I have asked him what I have done in the past...and he has admitted that I haven't done anything. In fact, during one of our heart-to-heart talks is when he admitted to me that he has seen her treatment of me and my family and friends all these years when I was the only one unaware of it.

I just wish me and our children could come FIRST....FIRST.....FIRST. I don't know how to make him realize how important this is.

Lena

ps. those are beautiful baby pictures, your children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:11pm

Hi Jackie and Jenn

Thank you...I totally agree we MUST be on the same page, I am just trying to figure out how to get us there or at least helping him realize this. As far as I was concerned this had all started about 6 years ago, slowly building, but apparently it's been going on for 26 years I am have apparently been blowing it off, I don't know.

I hate all this turmoil and drama and fighting. I like the idea to just straight out ask him what he thinks is the best way for me to handle this. Come to think of it, we've not really hit on that, just been bringing everything out into the light.

I am listening.

Lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:18pm

I have to run and pick up the children, all 175 of them, lol, school bus driver....

lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:05pm

I was reading reviews for the book Toxic In-laws the other day and I came across one written by a woman who said it was a good book, it is and I really learned alot from it, but her criticism was that the author comes up with solutions that involve getting the hubby to stand up to his parents. The reviewer explained that most husbands would need years of therapy before they could do this.

I think that reviewer is right on, unfortunately. And first, the hubby would have to see that there even is a problem with his folks.

I believe setting boundaries is helpful, but I think it would be really hard if your hubby doesn't stand up for you and your in-laws live right down the road and always come over. Some options you have: tell hubby he needs to support you and set limits on their visiting with you, tell the in-laws yourself that things have changed and they are no longer welcome to just drop by, tell your husband he either addresses this with you or you have to leave, move far away with your husband.

Your situation is a toughie. I think starting by recording her is a good idea. Just don't be surprised if he continues to excuse her behavior. I hope you can work this out for the best for you and your family.

cbc

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 8:09pm

Years of therapy? You have got to be kidding. To be a man and do the right thing by the person whom you CHOSE as your wife, you must have years of therapy?

I am not being snarky. I am just floored. I came from a very dysfunctional family. Yet, when my mother started being nasty toward my husband, after we were married, and although it scared me to do so, I cut her off. No ifs, ands, or butts. She apologized about 6 months later, and has not done anything since that time. She sought me out~I was not about to seek her out and buddy up to her. Now, Mom and DH are friendly and she respects my marriage. I cannot say the same for my inlaws. They have gotten better, but it is because of me and my "rules" I made known a few years back, not because my husband suddenly grew a pair.

I think that if my husband can tell me off royally, that he can damn well tell his family off in exactly the same way. I am giving him one more chance to do what is right. So far, since I made my feelings known, there have been no incidents where he has had to say much at all. But, it is coming. It always does. And I am NOT going to keep quiet and be nice. I am going to confront him in front of the offender.

But that is only my opinion. Of course I don't know about anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:48am

I really appreciate hearing opinions and suggestions from y'all. My hubby acts like everything is fine and going along as usual. Well, it's going along as usual, but it is faaaar from fine. I am realizing that he just doesn't want to "see" the problem and therefore definitely will not be open to attempting the "fix" the problem. You know, mom2danjam is exactly right too: he has no problem whatsoever telling me off OR ANY of MY family members.

I am thinking about showing him these posts. Maybe hearing that this MIL-thing DOES really exist not just with me but with others. AND, it's not just the MIL-thing, it's putting your own family FIRST--always, no matter what! Time to grow up and act like a damn man!

Lena

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