Inlaws creating problem in marriage
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| Wed, 10-04-2006 - 8:06pm |
Hi,
This is quite a long one, and I'd like to state a few basic facts before I start:
* We have been married 7 years, now with a 14 month old - joy of our lives. Ironically, he was the start to our troubles.
* We moved countries (from India to UK) in the last months of my pregnancy, and had to deal with new baby, new jobs, new country, no friends etc. in a short span of time.
* I am from India, and typically, marriage is based on traditional roles there. However, I come from a 'forward' family, both parents worked (I am the only child), and my parents believe in women's rights. However, Hubby comes from very traditional set up.
* I've had a rocky relationship with my MIL right from the start, and to tell you the absolute truth, she is nasty to a lot of people - her own brothers sisters and other relatives acknowledge this fact.
We 'had' a wonderful marriage for six years inspite of many minor problems (not least inlaws). My serious relationship troubles began when we invited my inlaws during the last days of my pregnancy. My husband invited them without my consent (though he knows about the rocky relationship bit), and I thought it would be insulting to them if I said 'no' when they had already been invited. I also wanted my Mom's presence at that time (for emotional reasons - I always dreamt I would have my Mom around when I had my first child - she has a major heart problem - it was her first grandchild (inlaws have 4 grandchildren) - and I had told my husband about this several times), so I invited my parents too (my parents stayed in a separate house). MIL hated having them around, made nasty comments about me and my parents to my husband, and complained about me to him all the time. In a short time, my husband turned against me and thought I was being unfair to them, and this caused a lot of fights between us. After a month of enduring this (after the baby was born), in a fit of anger, I told *him* that they should just leave if they thought I was being horrible. They heard that from the next room, and booked their tix for 10 days later. My parents moved in with us shortly after they left, and my husband made no pretense that they were welcome, and was pretty cold to me as well. I got increasingly depressed and became more and more dependent on my parents for company and comfort. I made them stay for 4 months simply bcoz I knew that after they left I wouldnt have anyone to talk to, and I wasnt sure what to expect from my husband. After my parents left, we didnt resolve anything much, and I just coped knowing we would visit India shortly.
We visited India and spent 15 days with inlaws. MIL and FIL did several things with the baby that displeased me - tried to feed a big piece of dry fruit cake to a 5 month old, tried to give him tea etc. Most times my husband agreed with me that they were not doing the right thing, yet he was not able to stop them. Sometimes, I did say to them quite strongly that they should not do xyz bcoz I was scared he would choke or something. MIL started complaining and again both of us had fights. MIL & FIL also organised a large party for the baby and didnt invite my parents or anyone else from my family and I was quite hurt about this, but didnt say anything.
I stayed back in India to help my Mom do a few check ups and it turned out that she had to have major surgery, so I ended up staying longer than I intended. I was frankly happy to have a reason to stay back bcoz I was very lonely in the UK, and my husband was not exactly friendly.
My inlaws never called me during all that time I was with my parents, but kept complaining to my husband that I didnt call them. The 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' was beginning to work on hubby, and he began to 'request' me to call them. I called them a couple of times for a couple of minutes. It was soon time for the baby's first birthday, and I didnt invite my inlaws though I had a grand celebration with my parents and husband. He wanted to invite them but I said 'no' bcoz I knew they would behave badly. Immediately after the birthday, we visited my inlaws and they didnt ask me a single word about my mother, and the whole complaints thing started again - this time about how I was not taking enough care of the baby!!! Fortunately it was a very short visit, and I think my husband missed us too much to start a fight !!! My inlaws and I havent talked since then.
I came back to the UK with my husband immediately after baby's first birthday, and though things are better between us, they are not close to normal. He has a very stressful job, and does quite a lot of the housework. BUT HE DOESNT LISTEN TO ME !!! He asks me 'how was your day', but is not interested when I start to talk, even when I tell him about funny things the baby did ! He loves the baby, and plays with him, but we only communicate basic stuff. I feel like he is a glorified maid plus cash machine. I am coping better with loneliness bcoz I go to toddler groups and have made some friends, but I am quite distressed with his behaviour.
And now, suddenly, he wants to invite his parents to the UK ! I said I dont want them around till I find a job bcoz I dont want to see them 24/7. But he thinks his parents should be invited now bcoz they are getting bored, and this is again creating a strain between us. In theory, he would be happier if we invited them simply bcoz it looks like we have made up with them, but practically, we would all be very unhappy if they came over now. Is he too dumb to understand this after all the drama the whole of last year ? And I am getting tired of having his parents 'between us' all the time now. This is too intimate for me to talk with my new friends here, and I just dont know what to do.
I know there are several unanswered questions here, but I didnt want to go too much into detail. Thanks in advance for all your input.

It kind of sounds like BOTH of you are more attached to mommy and daddy than to each other. Sure fire way to ensure a wretched horrible marriage. I think you both need to take a break from BOTH sets of parents for a while and learn how to be a team and parents to your son.
Were there vows in your marriage of forsaking all others? That isn't exclusive to the adultery aspect. It means parents, friends, even your own children with that spouse. You hold noone higher than your spouse.
Was it said "let no one put assunder"? That means to let no one come inbetween the two of you. You are both letting both sets of parents come between you.
If it were me, while I was pointing out to him that we BOTH needed to reprioritize in order to repare the marriage and build the wonderful connection it should and could be, I would also throw in that I want to be together as a family, I want there to be nothing and no one in between us, and most of all, I don't want our child to grow up VISITING his father every other weekend!