Should I forgive?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 4:49pm |
I'm in a tight situation I just recently got married and the trouble with the in-laws have already started.
First of all my in-laws made the week before the wedding a living hell. My Father in law (FIL) thought since he gave a couple of dollars to the wedding he could run over me and my husband. When they were asked in the beginning what they wanted in the wedding, no one ever gave me their opinion and than a couple of days before the wedding they wanted to change it all. Me and my FIL got into an argument in public and he said some hurtful things to me. He called to apologize to my mom b/c the way he treated me, but never apologized to me. That night of rehearshal my Sister in law (SIL) kept giving me dirty looks and wouldn't do what she had to do.
The day of the wedding wasn't any better. My FIL made a total fool out of himself screaming and yelling at my family and guest b/c he wasn't getting his way. SIL made my relatives get off the table they were sitting at, so her family could sit down. She accused me of stealing her camera b/c it was left in my dressing room. They were very racist saying very rude things to my family and me. The most important day of my life was ruined b/c of them. They never apologized to me or my family for the things they said and done.
My husband finally talked to his father and told him that he should apologize, it took him a whole day to consider it before he finally called and apologized. Just by the way he was apologizing you could tell it was fake and that he didn't mean it. I told him I couldn't accept and now my husband is angry with me, but do you think it's fair?? Do you think I should really have to accept after what he did??
My SIL called last night and was telling my husband that I was the one that was ruining their relationship. I was trying to come in between the family. I've NEVER made my husband choose and I never will, but I don't think it's fair for her to put things in his head. What should I do? Should I tell her something or should I let it go for him? I'm tired of the phone calls from his family telling him that their his familly, their his flesh and blood and i'm not. I'm tired of them making me sound like the bad person when I didn't do anything to them. They do wrong and instead of taking the blame they point their fingers at me.
What should I do??? I'm so confused I want to see my husband happy, but I don't want to be blamed all the time for their mistakes. They ruined my wedding and what is their excuse?? They didn't think they did anything wrong ... it's all me, I'm just trying to ruin his relationship with the family.
I think the part that upsets me more is that he says he takes my side, but yet when it comes down to it he actually takes theirs. I feel so betrayed by him right now, I need for him to be on my side, I need for him to stand up for us, but instead he doesn't want to start conflict with them. I feel as if I have a huge empty feeling inside that won't go away.
Any advice? Should I talk to them? Should he talk to them? I'm just confused and need advice.

Should you forgive? Most definitely! Forgiving is what you do to bring YOURSELF peace within. Reconciliation with the offending party is something totally separate and I really think you and your husband need to focus on yourselves before considering that.
"My husband finally talked to his father and told him that he should apologize, it took him a whole day to consider it before he finally called and apologized. Just by the way he was apologizing you could tell it was fake and that he didn't mean it. I told him I couldn't accept and now my husband is angry with me, but do you think it's fair?? "
Fair? I think so. You nagged at your husband (rightly so, but nagged none the less) that his father should appologise. He gets his father to appologise and you are ungracious and don't accept. Geez your poor DH can't win. He was damned if he didn't, and now he's damned if he does, because it isn't an appology of your standard? Fake or not, he swallowed his pride and said it. While it would have meant more if it was heart felt, the fact that he respected his son and you by proxy enough to do it, at the very least you should have been the bigger person and graciously accepted.
"My SIL called last night and was telling my husband that I was the one that was ruining their relationship. I was trying to come in between the family."
HA! Once you two got married YOU became the family. Now, THEY are the outsiders. You are his family now and they are secondary. If your husband doesn't fully acknowledge and agree with that then I'm sorry but you don't have a real marriage. I think you should talk to him. Discuss what taking your side vs. taking their side looks like. He may think that agreeing with you and not speaking up to their face IS taking your side.
It makes me mad to see anyone pushed around. I would have left him and stayed in a hotel one night and said I was not coming home until he grew some cahoneys and stood by his wife like a real man would. But that's just me. I'm very sorry for your pain. I have a nagging, nosy, gossippy SIL myself.
No girl you don't have to forgive those jerks. You have enough reason (one of the main ones being their racist remarks and horrible treatment of your family) not to ever speak to them again. And if they don't speak to you again, that's their loss not yours. If I had their telephone # I would call and tell them this myself. I'm sorry but your post makes me so mad I could spit. You have done nothing to them to make them treat you this way.
I am strong willed and it gets me in trouble sometimes, but if you don't take up for yourself no one will. You and your husband both are in my prayers.