MIL refuses to apologize

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
MIL refuses to apologize
16
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 11:45am

Hi,
Incase anyone hasn't read my posts before I had a big blowout with MIL in June. She yelled and screamed at me at my 5 & 6 year old sons' event in front of everyone there including my kids. She called me terrible names and swore like a truck driver and even threatened to slap me. This was all because my son dropped his ice cream, had a tantrum, and I wouldn't get him another because of the way he acting. She couldn't stand to see him cry and wanted to just let him have his way. When dh told her to just sit down and mind her business she got mad and started making coments like "it's not my fault, I'm not the one making him cry" and "don't blame me that your life is crap". Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe these coments were referring to me even though they were not said directly to me. Anyway I told her that these were my kids and I will do want I want and I am the mother not her. That is when she blew up at me. Then she harrassed us with letters and emails badmouthing me until finally I tried to get a restraining order and dh and I took her to court. The judge told us that we didn't need a court order to keep her away and that she needs to let go.

She has never liked me from the beginning. She doesn't think anyone is good enough for her son. She has told stories about me to her son accusing me of not feeding my kids and abusing them. She even lied and said she put a tape recorder under my couch and it had me saying terrible things to my kids and about my husband of which were not true. She even admitted there she really didn't put a tape recorder there and she just wanted her son to know what he lives with. She always wants to be in control and I won't let her and my dh is behind me. In 11 years this was the first time I spoke up to her.

Anyway she wants to see her grandchildren. My dh's uncle told him that she fell at a restaurant and got hurt so I told dh that he should call and show his concern. She is still his mother. After she told him what happened she asked when is she going to see the kids. Dh told her she needs to apologize first and she got mad and said for what. Then she wrote him a letter saying that we should apologize to her for treating her the way we did and taking her to court. She said that I started the fight at the ball park and that we should know that if we provoke someone they will fight back. I believe I was the one being provoked. She said that if I didn't want an argument in public I should have kept my mouth shut.

I should add that she wants us to drop off the kids and have no interaction with her. That will never happen. If she apologizes should I take the kids there and stay or should I just not let her see them at all. I know they love her and I don't want to be the one to take their grandmother away but I can't let them be alone with her. They only asked if they could go there once since then because they saw a picture that was taken in her apartment. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want them to be sad but I do think that all of us deserve an apology.

I guess my question is how do you explain to a 5 & 6 year old that their grandmother has something mentally wrong with her? They see her as the nice grandmother who gives them whatever they want and is fun to be with.




Edited 10/6/2006 1:09 pm ET by mom_tweety37

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:41pm
Sure it'd be nice if she appologised, but it's never going to happen. It sounds like your MIL is either mentally unstable, or she is evil. Either way, appology or not, she is not to EVER be alone with the children for even the slightest moment. Access to them is in treating their mother with dignity and respect. It would be damaging to the children to be around a woman who is openly hostile to their mother. You know she would drop words of poison against you into their ears. She is abusive. Do no sacrifice your children to make her happy in hopes she'll be nicer to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:49pm
I would never let her be alone with my kids not matter what. Even I she does apologize I know that it would be fake but at least it would be some kind of effort. I just don't want my kids to think that I am the one keeping them from her but I also know that if she would lie to her own son then she would lie to them and they are more likely to believe her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 2:41pm

"I just don't want my kids to think that I am the one keeping them from her "

You don't? I would wear it like a badge of honor. I protect my kids. You protect your kids, that is something to be proud of.

If it came up why they couldn't see grandma I would tell them "as your mommy it is my job to keep you safe and not put you with people who are dangerous in any level, even if that person is grandma. I love you too much to put you in a situation that kids shouldn't have to worry about".

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 5:20pm

You know, I wouldn't let her near my kids, even with an apology. An apology does not automatically fix things. Besides, it would be just lip service. She thinks she has done nothing wrong. She made horrible accusations about you. If that were my mother, I would have nothing to do with her, nevermind if it were my MIL.

You have to protect your kids. They will get over not seeing her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:57pm
Why don't you want your kids knowing that you are keeping them from her? You could tell them that she hasn't been nice to Mommy & Daddy and that you don't want her treating you the same way. I think that is easy for a 5 ot 6 year old to understand. They aren't old enough to understand all the dynamics, but when they are old enough, they will probably thank for keeping them away from her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 11:24am
It's not that I don't want them to know that I am keeping them from her, I just don't want them to resent me for it. They were close to her. She babysat alot for them even though we do not really like eachother. I always tried to let her have a relationship with them and put my feelings toward her aside. I thought it was the right thing to do. But after her outburst at me at the ballpark I finally realized that she is not a very good influence on them. They saw what she did and I did tell them that she was wrong and was not nice to me but they said "well she is nice to us". I will try my best to explain to them. I just really want them to understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 1:29pm
Children are not always able to understand when parents put up boundaries and limits to protect them nor is it always necessary. We dealt with similar antics from my MIL by limiting her visits with our children to just the times when both my husband and I could be present. MIL had to see us as a "family" in order to spend time with our son and daughter (a counselor's suggestion) and I did not have to be alone with her (she seldom was rude to me in front of her son). If MIL did not behave and respect us as a couple and parents to her grandchildren, we left immediately. It meant we did not have the babysitting service, but was in the best interest of our children and marriage. As our children got older, we realized that they had not only understood more than we thought they did, but that they also had observed and were uncomfortable with MIL's disrespect of me and their father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:47am
That is exactly what I was thinking of doing if I got an apology. I don't want her in my house because she is too controling but I thought of maybe my husband and I bringing the kids to her house and both of us staying for the visit. Then we could just leave when we want to. I don't care about the babysitting part at all. I would rather not be able to go out with my husband alone than have her poisoning their minds. The only reason I am thinking of this at all is for my husband's sake. Even though he is so mad at her for this, she is his mother and I know deep down inside he must still love her. Life is too short and if anything happened to her or even to him I would feel awful knowing that they weren't speaking to eachother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:15am

I wouldn't let her see them at all. If she does conceded and apologize, she doesn't mean it. You know that there is nothing sincere about an apology from her. Just because she mutters the words doesn't mean that she feels anything.

DH is on your side about her. I'd be concerned about how negative she is (and a liar) and what she would say to your children about you.

No, she doesn't have any rights to them and if she can't treat you with respect, she can get over it.

I think she's behaved abominably and would say things that would undermine your relationship with your children.

And, I'd explain to your children that you are their mommy and love them and that they can't see her because it's a consequence of being mean and lying about their mommy. And that it's hard for their dad, but that he wants you to be treated nicely by people.

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Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:04pm
I agree with the other ladies that it is best if she doesn't see them at all anymore. My mil did practically the same thing to me in front of my boys. Yelling at me outside and threatening to slap me. After that she had no contact with them. I also found out that she bad-mouthed me to my sons. She said that I was fat, that I have fat legs, and that she hated my hair, and hated me. Who knows what other things she had said to them over the years. She will never see them ever again. It took some time but Dh ended up cutting her off too. Things are so much better between us since then. She did tell him that she wanted to apologize to me (which she had never done before) but I found out that his brother and his FDW moved out and I knew that she was only doing it to get back in their good graces. She wouldn't have meant a word of it. I am glad that I never allowed her to, because later on she threw another tantrum, and that was when Dh cut her out of his life.

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