What should I do?
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What should I do?
| Fri, 10-06-2006 - 5:17pm |
I have a problem. I am engaged to a wonderful man and couldn't be happier. The problem is my mother. My fiance has never really warmed up to my mother and about 3 monthes ago they got into a fight. The whole fight was over the fact that my mother has always acted as though she never liked his family. The reason, my mother is a neat freak. Sometimes I think she may even be obsessive-compulsive. My fiance's family are not neat people what-so-ever. But they are wonderful, sweet people. Well, anyways, she denied the whole thing and turned it around like she always does and tried to make herself look like the victim. In the process, she said some things to my fiance that were not so nice. When we got up to leave, she actually came after us like she was going to hit us!! Later on that week my father even had the nerve to tell me that my fiance was lucky he left the house not bleeding! My fiance was just telling them how he felt! He did nothing wrong in my opinion. Well, here comes the problem. Since this happened, my Mom and I have started talking on the phone again(not very often). My fiance wants nothing to do with her or my father. On top of it, I just found out that my mother is talking about me behind my back, basically saying I love my fiance's sisters more than my own sibilings. Which of course is not true! She also said that I had lied about certian things, which is also not true. My question is, the holidays are coming. Should I keep talking to my family even though I don't want to. I do it because I feel guilty because they are my family. My fiance said to do whatever I want to do (and I love him for that). I just need some opinions!

"Should I keep talking to my family even though I don't want to."
You don't owe them. If you don't want to, don't.
"I do it because I feel guilty because they are my family."
And so what? Because you share DNA you're endebted to allow them to mistreat you and your future husband? What when you get married and HE is now your family and they are the outsiders? I think you are misusing the word guilt. Guilt indicates wrong doing. It is not wrong to protect yourself from those who wish to do you harm, from those who are mentally unstable or those who are evil. Even if those come with the title of mom/dad/family.
"My fiance said to do whatever I want to do"
That's good advice. Do whatever YOU want. You don't want to, you've said so. If they complain and throw a fit (which you know they will right?!) it's very easy. You calmly inform them "this man is my future husband, if you can't respect him and welcome him, you aren't respecting and welcoming me. I love you, but you raised me right, and my husband is going to come in at priority number one. I am sorry if you can't or won't accept that, but that's the way it is." Then you don't listen to any back talk or "but..." or "no..." or anything other than some form of "yes you're right..." If they start in you speak over them and tell them that you "refuse to argue", they can "call back when they're calm" and you hang up!
Hi Kb_bunny83, welcome to the board!
I agree with Dansfoxywife. You should do what you want. You have already said that you don't want to go see your family for the holidays. I have been the position where I have felt guilty for not wanting to see my family on the holidays but went anyway. Over time, I realized I wasn't being true to myself. Now, I go if I want to, if not, DH and I go to see his family or we have something over our own house and we invite who we want. I no longer feel like I *have to* see my family on the holidays. I have had problems with my family at times over the years and there have been several times where I decided NOT to visit my family and go visit my ILs instead.
If your mother is talking garbage about you behind your back and she came after your fiance when he didn't do anything wrong, I think you are well within your right to stay away from your family on the holidays. In fact, if it were me, I don't think I would even be talking to mom on the phone at this point. I would need a full apology to myself and FDH and then I would *consider* talking to her again. Of course, that is me and everyone is different.
Whatever you do, please do it for YOU and not because someone else thinks you should or because you feel guilty. You should do it because you WANT to and not because it is a burden to you. I have learned this the hard way.
Thanks for the reply:-) The reason I started talking to my mom again was because I quit my job and she had heard about it from my sister. I think she knew I was feeling low and I would be more likely to talk to her. Sadly, I do kind of regret it now.
Another thing, if I don't see her on the holidays, she would be the type to be done with me. (I know this because anytime we get into an arguement, she removes all of my pictures from her home) The whole reason this even remotely bothers me is because I have a 10 year old brother who I basically helped raise. I know she would not allow him to be around me. (she has used him to get to me before)
One other thing, I have come to the conclusion that she has control issues. From what I have wrote, do you agree?
On the bright side, thank you all for your replies and for welcoming me to your board! I will be here often!
I would definitely agree that your mother has some serious control issues.
You said:
"Another thing, if I don't see her on the holidays, she would be the type to be done with me. (I know this because anytime we get into an arguement, she removes all of my pictures from her home) The whole reason this even remotely bothers me is because I have a 10 year old brother who I basically helped raise. I know she would not allow him to be around me. (she has used him to get to me before."
So, if she were to be "done with you" for not showing up on a holiday, whose loss would that be? I think that would be HER loss. She removes all of your pictures from her home everytime the two of you have an argument? That sounds a bit petty and childish to me.
As for your 10 year old brother, I can understand about you wanting to maintain a relationship with him. However, she will keep using him as a pawn to keep your around her. Personally, that is just sick behavior.
Your relationship with your mother is toxic at best. It sounds like it is on her terms and that is not a real relationship. It sounds like you would be better off being away from her for some period of time (even if it wound up being for good). I know that doesn't sound good, but neither does being in a toxic relationship. Your mother sounds very petty and it sounds like she knows what buttons to push. Maybe some counseling to work through these issues that you have with your mother may help.
Also, there are some other boards here at Ivillage that may be able to help you with your situation:
Toxic Relationships
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rltoxicrelat
Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
Of course, you are more than welcome to post here anytime you need support. Please keep us posted on what happens with your mother.
Just because your fiance said "do what you want" doesn't mean that any decision you make is going to be fine.
You said that you didn't think he did anything wrong. So put yourself is his shoes. How would you feel and what would you want him to do if his family treated you inappropriately for no reason? Don't put him in a situation that he's going to be beneath your parents before you're even married and when you tell us that your mom was way out of line. Show some respect for your fiance.
And, I'd call up my mom and dad (or go over there without him) and let them know that not only did you think he didn't do anything wrong, but that you heard that she's saying things about you. I'd let her know right out, "Mom, I'm really sorry that you feel you need to do this to me. What happens to our relationship is a direct result of these choices you're making. Do you want to throw away your relationship with me?" And, then let her make the decision on whether she's going to come clean or not.
I believe direct it best. Then you're putting your concerns right out there and you're not sitting back wondering all the time.
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