mother in law troubles
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mother in law troubles
| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:17pm |
I need help, and I have no one else to talk to. I have been with my husband for three years, we were married almost four months ago. His mother and sister are absolutely unbearable. When I first started to date him, because they lived so close (in the same building as him) and were such a big part of his life (he has a young son and they helped him raise him) because I saw what a big part of his life they were, I wanted to make sure that I got along with them, and that they liked me and trusted me, etc. He begged me to keep my distance from them, because they are manipulative and will talk badly about him, etc., but I made the mistake of not listening to him because I thought "why would a man stay so close to his family if they are so terrible?" Well, clearly it was a matter of family tradition and financial necessity that he stayed so close, because all of his fears became true. After a few months of get-to-know-you talks and confidential discussions, it quickly went to "you need to have him do this" and "you need to make sure he does that" and constant insults towards him and the way he raises his son and on and on. At this point, I realized that I had made a mistake by not listening to him, but I had to deal with the problem I caused. They even got me thinking the same terrible things about him for a while, which now I see aren't what they made it out to be (he is not perfect, but he is a good man and not the looser they make him out to be). After I started showing that I wanted to back away from they bad-mouthing sessions, they would end their tyrades with "remember, he can never know we had this conversation", and stare me down until I agreed. He caught on after a while what was happening, and I confessed it all and promised that I would start over with them and do as he suggested, which is stay away from them. This obviously insults them, and they resent me for changing my attitude. Basically, it goes on and on, with his sister acusing me one night of saying that I wanted their mother dead, which I never thought or said, and his mother telling me that I am "nothing to her and will never be anything to her",and on and on....!!!! Every time they are forced to explain themselves, they insist that they were misunderstood, that their words are twisted, and that I make a big deal out of nothing. Meanwhile, I am not perfect, I have said some harsh words, criticized how they spoil my husbands son, and are so miserable in their own lives that they have to ruin ours to make themselves feel better - all statements which I still stand by, although I acknowledge are inappropriate to voice, especially in front of friends and family - this by the way is another problem: although I have said inappropriate things, I believe in everything I say. They, on the other hand, are constantly saying harsh or insulting comments, and then back-peddling. Now, the other night, when we had another spat, his mother accused me of being the one that says things and them makes excuses! We were having dinner with some extended family, and his young cousin was complaining how none of her boyfriends are ever good enough for her father, and his mom piped up and said that "it's true, no one is ever good enough for your children" and the girl's father told her that that was a terrible thing to say in front of me, her daughter-in-law", and she just repeated herself, "well, it's true". The conversation went elsewhere and my husband noticed that I was irritated and I took him aside to let him know that I thought that that was rude of her and I'd like to go soon. He got upset and told her, then they both confronted me, and it became another big drama! He kept insisting that what she was trying to say was... and I said that it really wasn't a big, deal, he didn't need to confront her on this and make a big deal of it, but they insisted that I was the one making the big deal. The next day he apologized and acknowledged that he was at fault for the confrontation and that he did think that his mother was wrong for what she said and I had every right to be offended, and he spoke to her and told her what he thought, yadda yadda. This is one of the many reasons I love him - he thinks about things and admits when he is wrong, tries to make things right, and promises to try to improve things. He is a great man. But it doesn't help that fact that I had to stand there while my husband and his mother accused me of being out of line when I was the one who was being insulted. It doesn't help that fact that his drama queen of a mother will tell her version of this story to her daughter, and the two of them will tell everyone they know what a nightmare I am, and I just can't take it any more! I have done so much for them, offered to be of help during so many family problems, health problems, you name it - I've tried to be a good addition to the family, and although I've made some mistakes, I've owned up to them, apologized, and changed my bahavior. I don't know what else to do! We've moved away from them, finally, but my step-son is very close with them and sees them every Friday, and they take care of our dog because our landlord can't have pets, and their family is used to being very close and being together a lot so I have to deal with them more than what I consider a "normal" family does. Help me!!! How do I defend my character and my self esteem against these women who seem determined to destroy me! My husband has dealt with their abuse his whole life, so he doesn't see how bad it is, although he knows that it is a problem. I have no friends or family that I can talk to about this, and I can't afford therapy. I feel hopeless, miserable, and depressed. Please, someone shed some light on this for me!

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