What role should in-laws play?
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| Wed, 10-11-2006 - 1:41pm |
I think we hear a lot about in-laws (for some reason mostly mother-in-laws) who are mean, intrusive, and crazy. In short toxic. But I don't think we ever hear of good in-law relationships.
So if you could choose your own in-laws, what kind of in-laws would they be? Meaning what role would they play in your life (of course putting aside any bitterness you have about in-laws now). I don't really have a close relationship with my parents and my DH doesn't either so I was just wondering about what you guys think the ideal relationship would be.
I think its common to see once people get married they put more energy into their spouse and kids. So where does that leave the in-laws, and how do you assure them so that they don't feel like they're being pushed out?

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I have a very good relationship with my in-laws, and my MIL, but that has only evolved over time and after some work on both our parts. Ideally, I would like them to live closer, because every visit involves a few days stay, and I would rather be able to go over to their house for dinner and them be able to see more of our kids without having to be houseguests.
What is good about our relationship is a) she loves my kids and loves spending time with them b) she follows my rules when she does spend time with them c) I let them have time alone with her so she doesn't feel nagged or usurped by me d) I never, ever let her in my kitchen LOL e) we respect that we have different outlooks, experiences and values and appreciate the other person's point of view f) I have learned to have selective deafness when it comes to unsolicited advice and criticism g) I take time to thank her and show my appreciation for how she raised her son h) her daughters and I get along extremely well and they get just as annoyed by her as I do i) her son and I always present a united front if necessary j) she is, and always will be my children's grandma, and I will always be their mother, and for their sake we make a big effort to get along and respect each other and that pays off - we really didn't get along at all before the children came along because there was no way on earth anyone was going to be good enough for her son, but seeing over the years that I make him happy and I'm a good mother to his children has mellowed her a bit towards me.
You have to not judge your in-laws for not being your parents I think: you have to be able to respect your differences and realise that there are perfectly valid alternatives to the way you were raised. That helps a lot.
Kirsty
I have a decent relationship with my ILs. My MIL and I have a good relationship. She respects me and I respect her. As for my two BILs, they keep to themselves and I only see them if I go over my MIL's house (they still live with her). My other ILs I get along with fine. My one SIL, her DH and kids lives out of state and my DH and I do not have any contact with her at all. My other SIL (RIP) passed away this year and her and I had our differences along the way. Over the years, our relationship wasn't always the best, but in the end, I was there with my DH when she was sick, so I have no regrets.
As for the ILs feeling like they aren't pushed out, I don't think that there is a way around that. When you get married and/or have kids, your first priority is your family (spouse and if you choose to have children, the kids). The ILs become extended family. You can still talk to them and have them over, but the main part of your life revolves around your spouse and if there are any, children. I'm sure it was the same for your parents and ILs as well. They got married and had kid(s) and their lives were centered around each other and the kids. I don't think there is a way around it.
I liked the relationship I had with my in-laws in the beginning. We were respectful and nice to each other. That's all I want then I'd be happy to spend a lot of time with them. I used to like talking on the phone with them for a long time too.
A few things have changed that have made me take a giant step back from them. One, my fil is constantly covertly verbally abusive towards me and nobody else thinks it's a problem. Two, my new bil is verbally abusive towards me and has shoved my sil and done other odd, abusive things to her in front of all of us. Again, nobody has a problem with it. Oh, sil did say "I hate You!" when he shoved her but then she acted as if it never happened as far as I can tell. My bil and fil get a kick out of being openly racist around me especially, because I'm openly accepting of all races and ways of living. My in-laws have all become openly judgmental of my choice of religion, my inability to do many things a wife should because of my chronic illness, and pretty much anything else I do or my own parents do; for instance they can't believe that my folks choose to stay in a hotel when they visit us.
So, if you can take away everything in the above paragraph then the first paragraph applies :)
cbc
This is all I want:
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Establishing Good In-Law Relations
by Focus on the Family
“Parents and their married children can resolve differing points of view in a mature and gracious manner,” says Dr. Howard Hendricks of Dallas Theological Seminary. Parents will find the following guidelines helpful in avoiding such conflicts, keeping their in-law relationships strong and healthy and contributing to the success of their children’s marriage.
1. Don’t give advice unless the young couple specifically asks for it. Even if they ask your opinion, be careful how the counsel is given. Do not preach or lecture. Instead, simply suggest solutions, giving the couple freedom to accept or reject them.
2. Don’t offer financial aid unless the young couple explicitly requests it. It is important for the couple to establish their independence — emotionally and financially. As difficult as it may be to watch your child and his or her spouse face financial struggles, realize that those trials are valuable for them as they develop their life together.
3. Keep your personal questions to a minimum. Remember, a couple’s primary allegiance should be to each other, not to either set of parents. The new couple needs privacy in order to develop a meaningful relationship.
4. Respect the couple’s confidence when they confide in you. Don’t repeat what they have told you to friends or other relatives, or you may lose their trust — and rightfully so.
5. Don’t expect the new couple to live according to your standards and values. Your child and his or her spouse are individuals starting their own home. They need to develop their own family traditions, independent of those observed by their parents.
6. Let go of your offspring, giving the couple room to live their own lives. Rather than living through your children’s lives, find activities of your own. Don’t expect the couple to spend excessive amounts of time with you. Only by letting go will you be able to build a healthy relationship with them.
7. Treat the couple with respect, and don’t belittle them or their decisions. They may have a lot to learn, but they need to learn these lessons themselves. Allow them to make their own mistakes, and don’t adopt an “I-told-you-so” attitude if they fail.
8. Don’t expect your in-law to call you “Mom” or “Dad.” He or she may feel most comfortable using your first names. Accept the decision gracefully — don’t make a major issue out of it.
9. Take a genuine interest in your new in-law as a person. Try to find out about his or her interests. Attempt to relate to your in-law in a meaningful way and on his or her terms.
10. Don’t treat your in-law as a rival who has stolen your child’s love. Welcome the new addition into your family — you’ll multiply the love, rather than divide it.
Copyright © 1996 Focus on the Family.
http://www.troubledwith.com
Hi,
I'm a MIL too...3 SIL's, and you have got the plan down right. My oldest dd & sil try to drag me into their fights, I've been known to ask them to leave my house. I don't take sides and I don't care what they are fighting about (only if it affects the gd do I butt in)
Sam
My MIL is really not that bad.
Edited 10/16/2006 12:19 pm ET by mrob2006
I just read some very wise advice from Kirsty. I would add just a couple of points and an example:
1. Don't demand that your inlaws be your best friends. If this happens great, but dont count on it.
2. A good foundation for an in-law relationship is respect. Show massive respect to your inlaws as elders and your spouse's parents. Ideally, you will be rewarded by respect in turn for your status as adults, as a married couple, and as parents of your own children. If you do not get this respect, you need to kindly, and politely draw the boundary line.
My mother in law is no a second mom to me, but she is a very good woman who treats us well and rarely meddles. In our 33 years of marriage, she has only told me what she thinks I should do about 3 times. You can bet with a record like this, she got her wish each time, even when I probably would have preferred to do otherwise.
I have not so funny coming from hospital story about my MIL. I had some surgery on my nose & ended up in a the hospital for 7 days (4 in ICU 3 on of them on a vent, 3 on the cardica ward) she was the only person able to bring me home. She was in my room when the Dr released me & he told me that I was to go home & get right into bed & to get as much sleep as I could. So we get to my house, now remember I've been in the hospital for a week, she start complaining about how I left the house (my dh & sister were at home durning this week, not me) I take my medication, tell her thank you for bring me home & went to bed. She spent 4 hours there cooking & cleaning & waiting for my dh to get home from work~~then she stayed & ate dinner with him (I slept thru all of this) but she complainted to him about me just going to bed, and how she was so sure I wasn't as sick as the Dr were saying (I had pneumnia & heart failure) and that it was rude of me to just leave her to do the cleaning & cooking like that and for me to just go get into bed. Wait it gets better, she would come into our bedroom about every 45 minutes or so & check to see if I was awake or not (I think she was hoping that I died in my sleep)So I feel your pain.
Sam
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