inviting themselves along

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
inviting themselves along
6
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 4:54pm

My in-laws just moved to our area, and I'm a little worried about something. My MIL has been inviting herself along for things. Like when she heard about my son's open house at his school, she asked what time it was so that she could be there. It was for parents only, so I just let her know that and the problem was solved with no hard feelings, but it sent up a red flag that she just assumed she was invited. Like she imagines a level of involvement that I don't feel comfortable with. Since then, there have been several other instances of this. She showed up unannounced to observe my daughter's first dance class. They invited themselves over for cake on my birthday, even though we had plans for a grown-ups celebration the following night. Most recently, she has mentioned several times that she is really excited to see the kids go trick-or-treating. But in our neighborhood, Halloween is a big block party, with all the parents out strolling around with (or without) their kids. It's a fun time for bonding with our neighbors, and I'm loathe turn that special evening into an extended family event.

So my question is this: when the in-laws live near enough that they CAN be so involved, how do you (tactfully) keep them from being so involved? I really relish my family time--meaning my immediate family time. Sometimes I feel that my reactions are selfish (why shouldn't she get to see my daughter's first dance class?), but other times I just feel annoyed that I have to share every special moment. And as for holidays and special occasions--like Halloween--I don't feel obligated to include my ILs every time, but apparently they think they should be included. They're not even waiting to be asked!

What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:45pm

Hi Boobcu, welcome to the board!

If MIL keeps asking when you will go trick or treating, let her know that YOU and DH will be taking them trick or treating. If need be, have DH tell her that these things are for the parents and anytime the grandparents are welcome to be invited (by the school, etc.) they will know in advance.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 9:07pm
I agree. I would also try not to tell her about certain things that you don't want her to attend. Either that or make it very clear that it will be just you and Dh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:01pm

This is hard, especially if you get along well with her. I lived with my in-laws for many years so I had to go through this myself. You have to make it clear that certain events are just for your immediate family. You could tell her you and your husband are taking the kids trick-or-treating, but you'll stop by with them in costume earlier, or later in the day. You can let her know about certain events after they have taken place. Be sure to fill her in on the details or show her photos. You also have to invite her to events also, so she knows she's wanted. It's a good idea to start this from the beginning. I also struggled with feeling maybe I was selfish myself. I have one child and wanted certain things to be just the three of us. I think it's important to have the grandparents and extended family involved, but also important for your immediate (kids and parents) family to do things alone.

When my daugther was little my mother-in-law said she wanted to take her to buy her wedding gown when the time came. I wanted to say something right then and there, but didn't. Sometimes they might want to take certain liberties, with all good intentions, but it won't make you happy. You have to try hard to keep the right balance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:04pm

Sounds like you face a difficult balancing act. You want to have your own family and neighborhood events, why not being unkind and excluding the old folks. I would suggest 2 phrases--"case by case", and "creative solutions".

In the case of back to school night, you were right to exlude the in-laws, and it sounds like it worked out fine. For Halloween, why not invite the old folks over to be with the kids, hand out candy, etc. But you still get to stroll the neighborhood with your hubby, bonding with the neigbors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:26pm
For starters, I would not tell them everything that you do or everything that goes on in your lives unless you want to include them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:28pm

I feel for you!!! I have my DH's family just around the corner and it seems like we have to 'share' every event together! While this can be a great, family-togetherness bonding time, there are things that need to be shared just as an immediate family. My son's first day of kindergarten was a disaster because I was forced to take care of my niece and couldn't have that day just with my son....it sounds selfish, but when others don't or can't take care of things for themselves or respect your boundaries as your own family, the situations get pretty hairy....

My advice to you (which has worked for me) is to keep some things to yourself. There are days when my DH and I get the kids in the car and head out without "checking in" with the family. This eliminates the "can I come along" situation.

Holidays are tricky because they are usually family occasions. For something like Halloween, I suggest setting up a time that your MIL can meet you at your house. Before she gets there, take your kids around and have some one-on-one trick or treating time. This way, you get what you need and MIL is still involved. Remember, someday you will be a MIL too...and it is important for the kids to have their grandparents around.

It is really tricky to balance your immediate family with the extended. It is even more difficult when they live close by. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to do things for just you and your spouse and kids....Just set the boundaries for the extended family by setting up times when they can be involved in things.

Good luck!