In laws insist on relat with ex W

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Registered: 08-11-2005
In laws insist on relat with ex W
5
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:43pm
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm the problem and if so how do I fix me?? I've been dating this guy for 1.5 yrs. we live next door to his parents which usually isn't an issue except this ongoing relationship with my bf's ex wife. They have been divorced for over 2 yrs. We get his son every weekend and the grandparents get to see him every weekend with us. Sometimes he spends the night there b/c my bf and I work shift work, if it's the weekend and bf is working his son is not allowed to stay with me b/c ex w doesn't trust me. I told her one time that she was using her kid as leveridge in the marriage and she was selfish when it came to her son so now of course she doesn't trust me not to say anything neg to the son, which I would take a bullet before talking badly to him, he's a doll, I adore him. Anyway, this summer family was home and they invited the ex W to dinners and parties, I haven't even met the family that was here. Today I was suppose to be working, bf is off to a men's christian retreat. However, around 11 am my father called and needed me to come home to bring him to hospital. When I got home the ex W was at the in-laws having supper. She and SIL went to school together and have sons that are 6 months apart so I imagine she was there to visit them. My point and dilemma, I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pic me yelling from the top of a mountain somewhere that's how bad I can't stand this. Part of me thinks I should just pack up and leave that this will continue for years and years. I just went to town to Dr's appt with MIL and bf's son and when son fell asleep, MIL sang like a bird about how she doesn't like her and she won't go anywhere with her b/c she talks so much yet she'll invite her over for supper. Like I said they see the g-son every weekend so they don't need her there. I resent them for continuing to have her in the family. I hate and resent and can't stand ex W for continuing to come over here for anything except dropping her son off. I want her out of our lives, the only contact she needs to have is with bf in regards to son and that's it, anything more is going to drive me crazy. PHewwww, that felt great. I've never been so candid as to how I felt about her. I really can't stand her. What am I going to do? I'm sure I sound like a ragging lunatic and I feel like one right now, can someone help me. I have no one to turn to and I hate to burden bf anymore, he won't do anything about anything anyway. That's a whole other post!!!!
Avatar for mom2danjam
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 7:51am

First of all, I don't think you are a lunatic. You feel how you feel. But....

I am going to be blunt here. This is really none of your business. You are not even married to the man~you are the live-in girlfriend and you haven't even known him that long. You are the one who is not "family", technically.

You have NO right to comment to her about their marriage and what she did or didn't do. It does take TWO to divorce, you know. You don't know~perhaps she was not the only one at fault here. Also, your boyfriend's family should have an amicable relationship with the Ex if they can, IMO. After all, the child is HER son too, and their grandchild, nephew, etc. Maybe your BF mother isn't thrilled with the Ex, but you know, if that were my grandchild, I would treat the child's mother with respect and try to get along with her. BF's mom had no right to complain to you about the Ex, but whats done is done, I suppose.

His family has a history with her. Just because they divorced and now you are living with the BF, they should just totally cut her off and tell her to get lost?

Why do you expect her to leave her child with you? The grandparents live right there. Nothing wrong with them having time with him if your BF, the FATHER of the child, is fine with it. This is a family matter and like it or not, the Ex is still "family", due to the fact that she is the mother of the grandchild. I am not divorced, but if I were, I would have a hard time leaving my kids with someone my ex had only been with for a year and who seemed to hate me. I don't know.

Perhaps you ought to have not gotten involved with a man with a child and an Ex. Because, short of death, she is not going to go away and your BF family will always be involved with her in some fashion or another, and he will too.

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Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 12:31pm

"What am I going to do?"

Take a deep breath (several), smile, and be polite. You are correct in thinking that this is how the situation is going to be from now until the child is grown. That woman, their XDIL, is the gatekeeper to their grandchild. If they don't kiss her butt they can be cut out at her whim. The only other route is through their son, and he only has visitation. Your BF's mom might genuinely not like her, but if she even hints at it making the XDIL feel uncomfortable, make animosity there, the XDIL could very well decide that they shouldn't be around the child. Grandparents have no "rights" and if she could prove in court that it is a hostile environment against her at the grandparents house it could be mandated that they couldn't have or see him. It's scary ground for your BF's parents.

So, if you want to continue on with your BF and have any sort of future, I suggest you start puckering up to his sons mother. She will be there because she holds ultimate access to their grandchild. You on the other hand are expendable because you're not family. Keep that in mind. They lose nothing by your level of discomfort.

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Registered: 06-06-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 3:55pm

First, Hi! I am a long-time lurker who has had a HORRIBLE relationship with my mother and sister- in -law. But, that it another story.

I read medic4life's post yesterday and could not get it out of my mind. So, here I am. : )

First, Medic4life, I have to ask you a few questions:

1. Is the Exwife trying to sabostage your relationship with either your boyfirend or your in laws?

2. Is the reason that you want her gone because she dislikes you and is making your life difficult?

If not, then what are you trying to achieve by wanting to destroy a happy relationship between ex-wife and inlaws that can only benefit their grandson? Why? What do you stand to gain?

Will an acrimonious relationship between grandparents and ex-wife benefit your relationship to BF? Will he thank you for making his relationship with the mother of his child more difficult and his child unhappy? I doubt it? So, again what do you stand to gain?

What are your motives? Is it jealousy? If it is, is jealousy reason enough to introduce such dysfuntion into a little child's life? Isn't divorce hard enough on a child?

Instead of trying to destroy a good thing - join in. Be cordial to her. Accept her as a part of your life. As long as you are with the father of her child, she will be. She has every right to keep her child from you as long as your influence on his life is a negative one. Try to put your jealousy/insecurity aside (if that is what it is), it will NOT make BF love you more.

By being friends with the grandparents of her son, she is doing what is right for him. Harmony amongst the people that he loves is one of the greatest gifts that she can give him. By contributing to that, BF will thank you.

Regards,

Cathy




Edited 10/15/2006 4:28 pm ET by cathyloveschris
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:59pm

Hi Medic4life, welcome to the board!

I agree with Mom2danjam. You aren't married to your BF and have been living with him for awhile. His ex probably does not know you well and probably doesn't trust you alone with her child. That is her choice as a parent. You do not have to agree with it; however, it is her choice and that is final. If your BF disagrees with her decision/opinion, he can talk to her about it, but that is between them. The ex is the mother of your BF's child and like or not, that still makes her family.

As for the his family having an amicable relationship with the ex, they probably have an amicable relationship with the ex because they want to see their grandchild. I can't say I blame them on that. Maybe they really liked her when she was married to your BF and they still want to have a relationship with them.

Will it be this way until the child grows up? Probably. So, if you can't accept what is going on now, I think it is time for you to reconsider this relationship before you spend more time in this relationship. If you can't deal or accept it, things are going to be difficult for you and with everyone else.

If you were married to your BF, my answer would be different. I would say that out of respect for you as their DIL that they should not be having the ex over constantly, etc. However, the fact of the matter is that you aren't family, even if they treat you like family, and that makes a big difference like it or not.

I'm sure this probably isn't the answer you wanted to hear, but you wanted advice so this mine for whatever it is worth.


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Registered: 12-01-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:24pm

I may be out of line, but I do not agree with the others on this subject. I too am in a relationship with a man with a child and we have gone through a similar situation.

My bf was never married to his child's mom and their relationship was confrontational at best, well his mom, who never liked the fact that her son got involved with this woman.

my bf has told his mom not to invite this woman over to functions, yet she chooses to do so anyway. Well this last time she did he told her he would not be back as long as she keeps inviting the bm to functions she no longer has anything to do with. She is the mother of her grandchild, but, they never had "family" participation until his current gf (me) started coming around like that. His mom was/is doing this out of spite. It serves no purpose for her to be involved, since she is no longer involved in his life like that. Her presence makes him uneasy and uncomfortable, because she then becomes like a third toe.

I say you have every right to protest as long as he is in agreement. My bf recognized the crassness of his mom inviting her and just said enough.

When the relationship goes, unfortunately, so does the ex-wife. She ended that relationship when the marriage ended. She should have gotten as close as she needed to be then. Sometimes we all must move on.