Dealing with Resentment
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| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:50am |
This is my first time posting here. I hope someone can give me a little advice. I wanted to post this for so long, but it's so involved. I'll make it as short as I can, but this is a long story so please bear with me.
I have been married for 23 year. My in-laws have always been kind and loving towards me, although a bit on the nosy side. I lived with them in their two family home for 18 years, then 5 years ago we bought the house from them, moved into the larger apartment and they moved into our smaller apartment. That's when I noticed things starting to go a little downhill. They would say things to the effect that they gave us the house - we had a 30 years mortgage but they felt this was true. When my daughter went away to college they said they regretted selling it to us. Immediately after selling us the house the market changed and it was worth three times what they sold it to us for. I have to add for years they were saying they hated living there and the neighborhood was chaging, the house was worth nothing, etc.
Last year my husband had a wonderful job opportunity in another state. Before he went for the initial job interview we both sat them down and told them how he was very interested and if he got the job it would mean relocating. He told them we always wanted them to be close by to us. They were all for it. He got the job, and the second the contratulations were over, things went from bad to worse.
My husband had to start the job right away. The week before he started we drove up here, 250 miles away from our old location, to scope out retirement communities for them. They came up here one time, looked at 3 houses and said they couldn't afford anything in the entire state. They wanted a house with 3 bedrooms and houses here were too expensive (not true at all - housing is so much more affordable here). We bought a house in the new location within 1 month, but I had to stay behind to sell my house, and as a result, I had to deal with them alone. In the meantime my in-laws said they wanted to move out west, but never looked. Eventually they told me they would move in with us and then take it from there. We weren't happy about that, and tried to encourage them to look so they would be happy and settled. They didn't want to do anything, and many times would say they would be homeless and had no place to live. It started to get on my nerves when I would come home from work and go in to say hello. They would be sitting on the couch crying, saying they wanted at least a year to look, didn't know what they wanted to do, wanted to stay there and so on. Finally one day I told them they had to stop playing the victim, we were trying to help them but they didn't want to budge, and I admit maybe I was a little too hard on them. I was there separated from my husband, dealing with selling my house, which was another horror because we had so many problems selling it, and then having two mortgages we couldn't afford. I was struggling with leaving my daughter, my elderly mother and my family and friends - even my job. They made no effort to even look at a place they might like.
Finally six months later they went out west and found something they liked in a retirement community. When they came back I overheard my mother-in-law telling a relative they had to do it because they would soon be out in the street. I didn't say a word, although it wasnt true. We would have been happy to have them stay with us while they looked for a house if they didn't find anything by the time our old house was sold, but they never made any attempt to even look. This wasn't about them not being able to afford it either. They are financially well off but never want to spend anything. I told them they should be enjoying their retirement. Their original plan was to travel and have their apartment to come home to, and another place out west, but they never did anything except stay home and wait for my husband and me to come home from work and hope for us to spend all our free time with them.
Anyway, they get ready to move. My old house is still not sold. I ask them to please not leave anything. I will take care of clearing out the basement and attic, just go take what they want, and clear out their apartment only. I wanted to make it as easy as possible on them. After the movers come I drive them up to our new house so they could spend time with my husband before flying to their new home. My mother-in-law tells my husband I made her so nervous because I didn't want them to leave anything; he says well, asil has to do everything alone because I'm not there. She tells him they didn't leave anything. Fast forward to when I return to my old home and go into their apartment. Every closet, every drawer, every room, had something in it. They left a closet full of winter clothes. I even had to clean out their medicine cabinet, fridge and kitchen drawers. I threw out four huge contractor bags of stuff. They left empty boxes, books, papers. I was so angry. It took me two afternoons to go through everything. Their pantry was loaded with stuff that had to be thrown out. I boxed up their clothes and just left them, but I was going to throw them out. My mother-in-law had told me they had only left their winter bathrobes and one pair of woolen pants, which she asked me to take to my new house for when they visited. That's all I expected to see in the apartment. In my new house, they left a suitcase full of clothes and four coats each, all without telling us.
I wanted to call them and tell them off, but I didn't. Nothing has ever been said about this. I feel they did nothing but make me miserable at a time when we should have been supporting each other. My husband was out of the state so didn't have to deal with them. Having to clean out their apartment really was the last straw for me.
They are coming to visit for two weeks during Thanksgiving. They already said they don't have to bring clothes, because they left all their clothes. They think everything is hanging neatly in the guest room, but its all in boxes in the attic. I feel like just throwing them down when they arrive. I have never been a person to hold a grudge, and this is killing me. I feel such resentment and feel so betrayed by them. They never ask to talk to me on the phone. We always have to call them. THe other day I spent over an hour typing a long, chatty email to them. I get a two line response saying it was nice to hear from me and keep in touch.
They tell other relatives that they love where they are. They have a beautiful house, have friends, and have joined clubs. To us they say nothing except they miss the old house. They wish the family was all together. What they wish was for my husband and me to be living with them. They now live close to their other son, and other relatives, so they aren't without family. This is a new chapter in their lives, and they just want us to feel guilty. It's not working, but I resent their behavior through the whole ordeal, and even now. I'm dreading them coming. I don't feel the same about them and it's breaking my heart. They had been like parents to me since I'm 19 years old, but I sincerely feel that when everything was going the way they wanted it was fine, but once it wasn't they pushed me out of their lives. It's hard to take.
There have been other things through the years also, and what I have discovered is that they did things parents do for their kids through the years, but they really expected us to "take care" of them in exchange for their kindness. My parents certainly did not act that way, and I have a grown daughter who I would never expect owes me anything but to be a loving, respectful daughter to us. She has her own life. She does not "owe" us. I feel this all stems from living with them from day one. Although we always paid rent, it was not as high as what they would have charged a stranger, and I always appreciated that. When we bought the house from them, I didn't expect them to pay me rent, and they didn't. I feel they were good to me, to us, but I was always good to them as well, and never felt I owed them - I just loved them.
How can I overcome this feeling? I lived with them for 23 years. I have not seen them in 7 months and don't even miss them, although I am concerned about them. Is this normal for me to feel like this? I cry about it alot. I don't know if I can ever get that feeling back and it's killing me. They weren't perfect - I wasn't perfect - but I think if we said to them "come live with us, we'll make an apartment for you" they would have jumped at the chance and everything would have been perfect in their eyese. After living in close proximity with them for 23 years we really need to be on our own, without constant scrutiny from them. We are very happy here, and it's good to be living apart, although I would have preferred they lived closer. It was their choice to move so far away. They told me at one point no one cared about them. They just drove me crazy, and I think they thought the guilt would get to me and we'd ask them to live with us. That was never going to happen, and they hold it against us - me especially - because I was with them alone for 6 months. What can I do? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Oh geez what a headache. You're nicer than I am, I would have thrown everything they left out and donated everything that was donatable. When they asked where it was I'd plaster on an innocent face and say "what do you mean? you said you took everything so I naturally assumed what was left was discarded and I donated it." As it is, I think you should send them all of their boxes of their stuff that you have and be done with it.
As for their impending visit my advice is take deep breathes, smile, and be polite. They at least deserve the kindness you'd offer to a stranger.