my husband and my mother
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my husband and my mother
| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 3:03pm |
The holidays are coming up. We had invited my mother months ago to come for Thanksgiving. The last time she was here was when our baby was recently born. It was a little too much togetherness, and my husband asked if I can ask her to stay in a hotel when she comes for Thanksgiving. Granted, things were tense between the two of them the last time she left, but having a new baby was stressfull and we had some complications which made things even more stressful. Now that we have our parenting sea-legs under us, I was looking forward to the extra time with my mom if she were to stay with us, and we have a small house but there is definitely enough room for one guest for a few days. She cooks and helps around the house, which is help I was looking forward to with the new baby. I just think my husband feels she is judging him (she probably is) and needs time to himself to decompress during the visit. But hotels are expensive especially over a holiday and I am hesitant to put that financial burden in front of her. I feel like I can't win, if i let her stay here my husband will be upset, and if I ask her to stay in a hotel her feelings (and wallet) will be hurt. Thoughts?

That's a tough one. I would talk to your husband and ask him specifically what he hopes to achieve by having her stay in a hotel, and see if there is some other way you can achieve that (eg ask her to babysit one evening so you two can go out, have some couple time and let off steam a little, so it doesn't get so intense). Explain to him how conflicted you feel, that you understand he's tense about it but that you also want some time with your mom, and to give your mom some time with your baby now that you are more confident as parents and it isn't so stressful. It is just a short visit so if you listen to him and support him and make sure he gets some timeout he may be able to cope ok with it. If that's a no-go, maybe ask your husband to pay for the hotel? I don't really think you can ask your mom to help out around the house if she isn't staying there, though.
hth
Kirsty
Thoughts. You're a married woman now and your husbands feelings come before mommys. That being said however, I would approach the subject again with my husband. Kindly I would say something like "I know the last time my mother was here XYZ happened causing tension and blah-blah-blah. I know you've requested that she stay in a hotel, but I was wondering if that was still how you felt." Then I would point out how "we have our parenting sea-legs under us..." and how "she cooks and helps around the house, which is help I was looking forward to with the new baby". I would tell him that "I respect your wishes, if you really would rather her stay in a hotel instead of here with us", but if he doesn't still feel so harshly that maybe we could "reexamine her staying with us".
He may have had enough time to cool and become confident in his parenting that he wouldn't mind her staying. He may not have though in which case you'd better do your marriage and child the favor of being his wife, not mommies girl, KWIM?
Hi Sparky1988, welcome!
I think you are going to need to tell your mother to stay in a hotel. Yes, your mother's feelings do count, but your husband's feelings come first. If he isn't comfortable with your mother staying over the house, then should stay in a hotel. She can come over during the day, but she can stay at a nearby hotel.
There are feelings on both sides, so if you try to make this decision based on feelings, you have an insoluable dilemma.
I would suggest you follow up on your husband's objections to your mom's behavior. If his objections are unreasonable, or if mom's behavior was unfairly provoked by hubby, you need to insist that he treat your mother civilly. You have a right to have brief visits from relatives, and sticking mom in a hotel for no good reason is a cave-in you should not do.
If, on the other hand, your mom is disrespecting your husband in his own home, you cannot tolerate that. You have to inform her of the boundaries. Try to get your hubby to give her one more chance, but inform her bluntly, that due to past bad behavior, you are informing her that if she disrespects your husband again, she will be asked to leave, not by hubby, but by you.
Either way, somebody will probably be mad at you in the short term, but you will get a handle on the problem, and avoid decades of future stress.