Stewing since Saturday night

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Stewing since Saturday night
6
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 8:37pm

Alan's (my fiance) family reunion was Sunday. Saturday night everyone got together at his mom's for dinner and conversation. This is a BIG event because almost everyone lives out of town and has a long drive. Well, we were in the basement with his nieces and nephew, just chatting about different things when I went upstairs to get something to drink.

As I was going up the stairs, I heard some rather unkind things being said about me by my future MIL. My being divorced, comparing my salary and appearance to Alan's former girlfriends... If it was a mean, catty comment, she made it. And they were agreeing with her, people I've know for 3 years, that I looked forward to calling "family"! I was frozen and I couldn't quit listening. I was stunned and physically sickened. I had to literally use my right hand to pull my left off of the banister to turn around and go downstairs again.

When I got back downstairs I told Alan we had to leave, that I didn't feel well. He helped me upstairs and everyone in the kitchen put on an Oscar-winning performance showing concern for me. I wanted to scream in their faces, "You vile, f-ing hypocrites - how dare you!". But I knew if I did all Hell would break loose so I chose diplomacy over righteous anger. I didn't tell Alan what I had heard only that maybe I should stay home Sunday. I told him to go and spend time with his family but he said no, my well-being was more important and he would stay home with me. He called Sunday morning to say that we wouldn't be there and all Hell did break loose. I could hear his mother wailing that the reunion would be ruined if he didn't come, that it would spoil the family photo and on and on. That was when I threw up and could hear him telling her he had to go, that I was sick and he would call her later.

I genuinely liked this woman! I thought of her as a friend and treated her as one. We shared great conversations and recipes, shopped together. Now I can't abide the thought of her anywhere near me - I've even gone so far as to turn her picture upside-down when Alan leaves the house. Gifts that she's given us I've put away or given to charity. I want to cancel the wedding we had planned and be married at the courthouse and have dinner with only my family at the local buffet. I want her out of my life completely!

Am I over-reacting to what I heard? I realize that she will be my MIL and in my husband's life. But if this is how she really feels, I don't want part or parcel of her. Do I confront her with what I heard? Do I tell my fiance and leave it in his hands? Do we go to her together? All I know is that I'm still sick over all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:11pm

Hi Lady_lotus_blossom, welcome to the board!

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. Did you eventually tell him what they said about you and how you overheard what they said? I hope so, because I think it is very important that he knows this. Maybe his family was like this with his past girlfriends.

In any event, I would not be around these people EVER. They are two-faced and if it is one thing I can't stand, it is two-faced people. If you have something to say, then say it or if you don't want to say anything, don't pretend that you like me and then turn around and talk garbage about me.

They don't deserve to be around you EVER. I would go as far as to tell him that you don't need his family at the wedding. If that causes a problem, you can always elope. :-)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:55am

Hey,

First of all can I just say congratulations on your engagement, and please dont let this ruin your big day! Secondly you are not in the wrong for feeling the way you do and oyu are not over reacting! I am going through a similar experience. On Friday my boyfriend proposed. His brother then failed to congratulate us, when asked why he said it was because he had issues with me. Last night my fiances family told him to go to his mothers house, and that I wasnt to come. When there they all told him they hated me. His family is Greek and I am not, and basically the jist of it is they dont feel like I play the good subordinate wife. They said some horrible things and my fiance came home devastated. I, like you always thought that his family were my friends, and had no idea where this all came from. Since last night my emotions have been all over the place, one moment I want to scream at them and tell them they are not welcome at the wedding, the next I say to myself I am better than them and that I can get over it. I guess we both have to remember that at the end of the day, these are our fiances mothers, and we do have to respect that, even if we dont respect them. If you have not done so you need to tell your fiance, it will hurt him, but you need to be a united front. I also think you should tell your MIL that you heard what she said, and that you were very disappointed and upset and now feel totally unwelcome and will always feel awkward around her. I think the fact that she knows you heard will make her want the ground to swallow her whole! Dont ban them from coming to your wedding, it wont hurt them, it will only hurt your fiance, it will just give them something else to dislike you for. On your big day you will be so busy, and surrounded by people who do love you that you probably wont even have time to talk to them, and certainly dont go out of your way to do make them feel welcome. As hard as it is remember you are a better person, and they are not worth being upset over. As for the people agreeing with her, they probably just did that so as not to cause a scene, I doubt they all feel the same way as her. As for the things you do when your fiance is out of the house, carry on doing them, after all we have to have something! I hope your day is all you dreamed of Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:03pm
Let me start by saying congratulations on the engagement!! I have dealt with something very similar. I have been married for almost 3 years. It was my MIL who wanted us together!! After my son was born(he is 2 and 1/2) everything changed. In April, she said some really hurtful things to me and about me to my husband. He was very hurt by her words and so was I. Up until that point I thought that his mother liked me and to find out that she thought so many bad things about me really hurt. I was so upset that I could not even eat. Well in light of all that I know exactly how you feel, it is a really bad feeling. My advice would be to bring this to your fiances attention, see where he stands with all this. I must warn you that he will probably really be hurt. Be prepared for that. In the beginning I thought that I would never stop being mad about what happened. Over time I grew to pity my MIL because I knew that she was having a hard time with all the changes in my husbands life and him being his own man and not needing her help for things anymore. I am not saying that you should be friends with these people by any means but you can just be cordial. I agree with another poster who said that excluding them from the wedding will hurt your fiance more than anybody else. It took me about 3 months to stop being really angry about what happened and am now able to be cordial with her for the sake of my husband and son, she really loves my son and has never said anything bad about me to him. How much longer do you have until your wedding? Do you think that you will feel any better by then? I think your acitons from here should based on the answers to the two questions I just asked and how your finace' feels about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:18pm

Nobody can tell you what to do here, because we don't have your history and probable future with these people. I can tell you that I don't think you are over reacting. You are reacting completely normally to the hurt and gut wrenching betrayal you feel by them. Of course you felt sick to your stomach, you liked them and though you had something that was apparently all a fraud. You feel used and lied to and made the fool.

If it were me, I would tell Alan the truth. You owe your future husband and father of your 84 babies the truth because sooner or later you'll HAVE to be around them again and he deserves to know why. Tell him "last Saturday when we were all sitting talking I got up to go get something to drink and while in the stairwell I *heard* your mother say ______. Quote near exactly what she said with the tone used, not adding your own sarcasm in tone if it wasn't there. Keep away from accusations, just give the facts and say that you felt sucker punched and hurt, tied in nots so much from what you heard that it physically literally made you vomit because you love them and to hear that she really thinks that when she thinks you're not there to hear it just was heartbreaking.

I would send his mother a letter. Not an email but a hand written email. I would say that I thought we were close and that she had welcomed you fully into their family as a part of Alan's life and future. I would state exactly what happened and what you heard from her own mouth, again not being mean or attacking, but straight forward and factual, with a tone of sadness not contempt. I would say that I was hurt beyond measure to hear her say those things to the point that it made me physically ill. I would say that I regret that I believed we were closer than we apparently are and that I'm sorry that she finds so much fault in me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:24pm

I think you need to sit down with Alan and explain to him how you felt about his mother before this and how distraught you are at what you heard. I think your best bet is for him to confront his mother and say that you heard what she said and that they agreed and that SHE needs to make amends with you.

You can't really cut her out of your life yet. You can choose to keep her at arm's distance and not confide in her or trust her anymore. Just be polite (because you are the better person) and make small talk, but that's it. Also, you need to keep the upper hand here - behave politely and appropriately toward her and when talking about this so that your own behavior is above reproach. It will be much harder on you if you stoop to her level and act boorish. You don't want to hurt Alan by nixing the planned wedding and making it something for your family alone.

Please remember that this is Alan's family and you need to be gentle with him because they are his relatives. He is going to be caught in the middle here and it won't be easy for him. He loves you and them.

Good luck and I hope it works out,
Jenn

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 4:24pm

I think that the letter is a bad idea. Written words can be misconstrued because they lack the tone and inflection of speech.

I think that a meeting with MIL in person, with the FDH, is warranted.