HELP PLEASE-How do I deal with this????
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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 12:19pm |
Ok - I will try to make this short. My father-in-law, is a difficult person. (thats me being nice) He is the kind of person who if you make mad he will disappear. As a matter of fact he did this, he was absent from 8 months before my daughter was born until she was 6 months old. And even then the only thing that brought him back in our lives was when my brother-in-law died.
So since that time he has lived with us off and on. (he really has no one else) The last time was for 9 months and he left in the end of Aug. When he went back out on the road as an over the road truck driver. Last night he showed back up. Didn't ask if he could come back just showed up.
My husband and I were at the end of our rope by the time he left last time. Yet it is my husbands dad. It isn't that we don't want to have contact with him...cause we do. We just can not live with hime. When my husband told me yesterday that his dad might be there (he just called and said I am coming), I broke down in tears.
To add more complexity, my mother has been staying with us 2 nights a week. She took a new job in the area and she actually works here part of the week and in the old town the rest of the week. She has not been a problem at all. She is very carefule not to cause problems and has made it clear that she will leave if we or she feels like she is making things difficult. But she is not, she is so helpful. We have 2 kids and she helps all she can, but now she is thinking of moving to a hotel the couple nights a week she is in town becuase my father-in-law is back.
I feel like I am so trapped. I even won't go to my own house until I know my husband is home. I walk on eggshells when he is there. He is just so judgemental and difficult. And we are always worried he will just up and disappear if we do something wrong.
Help Me please!!!

If he disrupts your life to the point you avoid your own home because of him, (where are your kids? Hiding out with you, waiting 'till it's "safe" to go home?) then the man needs to leave. Is your husband okay with his life's partner and beloved children hiding out like abuse victims waiting for the "protector" to come home? Or is it that his Daddy-dearest makes a bigger stink about not being catered to than his wife (that would be you) does about being treated with such disrespect and callous uncaring?
Your FIL is obviously not helpless, he doesn't starve to death or freeze when he's not freeloading at your house. From your description of his *behavior choices*, he's a user extraordinaire, not very caring or respectful of the needs and feelings of those he uses.
Your husband needs to be a grownup here and stand up for his wife and children.
I would approach it as a "family needs" issue instead of a "YOUR FATHER!" issue. He *knows* about his father, what he's like. What he needs is to be reminded of how much of a strain his father *chooses* to *impose* on those he claims to love. How does this man treat your children? If that is an issue, put it on the table so *their* father can consider the consequences of enabling this user.
Since your husband is your *husband* and not your owner or boss, you certainly would be within your rights to put your foot down and tell hubby that either his father goes or they *both* go! But you have to really mean it (don't throw empty threats, that's no better than FIL and *his* manipulations) and be willing to accept the consequences. You could, of course, tell your husband that you *want* to tell him that, but won't. Yet.
If all else fails, go stay with your mom 'till your FIL hits his "leave 'em" point. Without you there to "buffer" your hubby's interactions, he may kick his Daddy-dearest out. No guarantees, of course, so do consider your choices carefully.
lve2read
I have to admit that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't feel very good about myself. As a grown woman with children, I would wish to have the strength to look FIL in the eye and ask him, "How long were you thinking of staying?" And then if the answer was more than 3 days, I would tell him, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me."
I know that every situation is different. And I know that it is easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should do. But don't you wish you had the strength? Maybe you do have it. Good luck.
Hi Mtz_wards, welcome to the board!
Why doesn't your DH tell him that he can't stay?!? I realize that you and DH are all that your FIL has, but your FIL has been a major source of stress for you. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in your own home because of a guest. Also, your mother shouldn't have to stay in a hotel when she has been there for a couple of nights for a while now. FIL's showing up shouldn't be your mom's problem or anyone else's problem for that matter. Your FIL thinks he can just show up and everyone should bow to him. That isn't how it works.
I think FIL should be told to leave if he is still there. Why isn't your DH protecting you from him?