every time DH & I fight-MIL wins

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
every time DH & I fight-MIL wins
11
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 1:56pm

I am at the end of my rope. DH told me tonight that the only reason we are staying at a hotel when we visit his mom for Thanksgiving is because of me. If he had his own way, he would sweep our whole mess under the rug, and move on (act like it never happened). His family easily sweeps things away, no questions asked, no responsibility taken. But I can't just forget that she kicked us out of her home, and was very rude and mean to me. I am the only one who is carrying this now, and it's driving a wedge between me and DH. I don't want it to, but when I think I am the only one

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:42pm

With all that crap swept under the rug, how can people walk without tripping?

Counseling is my suggestion, with some focus on spousal abuse. The man is telling you to let his mommy spit on you or go without your child on holidays. That is emotional blackmail and spousal abuse.

He is telling you where his loyalties lie.

My heart is aching for you, I don't see any easy answers here. (Can you slip arsenic into her tea? Just a macabre joke.)

Hmm. A thought occurred to me. Is his mother alcoholic too? This sounds suspiciously like co-dependency, with the counting on each other to not expect actual improvements, but to go on as before.

Is there an Al-Anon chapter in your town? They can help the spouses of alcoholics, at least guide you to resources.

I do wish you the very best, no matter how this turns out. Reach out for help, from those who can offer concrete assistance. Check your health insurance policy for coverages and ask about sliding-scale policies from those who offer assistance.

lve2read

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:34pm

Hell would freeze over if my Dh decided I , the MOTHER of the children, was not going to have them for Christmas in our home, simply because he cannot grow up and tell his mother to knock it off.

He is choosing her over you. I think that is sad.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:47pm
I would tell Dh that he can go see his family for the holidays, but your dd stays home. If you aren't welcome in mil's home then neither is dd. If mil wants to see dd then she has to go through you and treat you with basic respect. She doesn't have to like you, but she has t be civil. If not then no access to gd. If she doesn't like it too bad. You are the mother here not her and not Dh. You are the gatekeeper to the grandchildren.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:56pm
Read responses three and four and read them again and again.
They are right on the money. He has made his choice of mommy dearest over you and dd. He would expect YOU to apologize if you did that to her but he doesn't expect HER to apologize to you ??
That soo would not fly AT ALL.
Tell him since he picked mommy he can pack his things and go back to mommy and you and dd will be doing your own thing this year!!
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:00pm

I agree with our cl. If your MIL would trash you to your child, or if your child must travel to Grandma's in the hands of an alcoholic, then I hope you will search for some way to put a stop to that.

"my DH is an alcoholic"

And it sounds like he is at the stage when he is not available to have a true marriage. He knows he is doing wrong. He knows he is hurting you and breaking his vows. But he expects you to just take it. That is not a man who can have a marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:12pm

Thank you all for the kind words and responses.


I am a member of Al Anon, but a new one. They are very helpful. My Dh has been sober for 3 months, and that part is going really well. Its so frustrating that he isn't standing up for me. I want him to be next to me telling his mom that she can't treat me that way. I would stand up to any of my family members if they weren't civil to my DH. I just expected that in return. I dont want to limit the IL's contact with my child, they do love her. It's just I wish DH would have said or done something to support me. He says he's sorry for what she did, but it's all words until action takes place. I want us to start making traditions at our own home for the holidays and he doesn't see it that way.


We are going to counseling now, and have brought this up before, but to no solution.


UGH


Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:15pm
I'm so sorry that you're going through this mess Liz. I agree with what I've2read and Mom2danjam have told you. I'm just in shock that your hubby had the nerve to tell you that you won't get to see your child on the holidays if you decide not to go to his mother's house, and she's the one acting a fool!! He's so easy to dismiss all that she's done, as you said his family is prone to do, without her taking responsibility of her treatment of you and your family? IF she sincerely apologizes and stops her foolishness, then I can see letting it go, but as you've posted before she's seems prone to more mess. Your hubby seems to have forgotten the covenant that he made with YOU during the marriage ceremony, and a nice trip to marriage counseling might jog his memory. You and your child are priority NOT his mother. His choosing her over you because he's not wanting to deal with an obvious problem is a big mistake and will only make things worse for you when she decides to do something else, because now you know exactly where he stands. I remember something my future hubby told me a while ago 'those who will try to make me choose will get dropped' in refrence to family, friends, whatever. You know what I said to that crap? The moment we go throught the marriage ceremony veribage ' I take thee...'and say 'I Do', the choice has already been cemented. LOL..He knows better than to bring that up ever again. I think your hubby needs to know that. If he expects your family to apologize to him in the event they wrong him in some way, then same goes for his family, no if ands or buts about it. It'll all work out...I'm praying for girl!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:04pm

I don't understand that if you didn't go to MIL's for the holidays that DH would take DD to her home anyway. Is that because DH has said that's what he will do or did the two of you agree to that. I don't have any bio kids (I have stepkids), but if I did, and someone told me I wasn't welcome in my home, then I would assume my kids weren't either. If I didn't go to their house, then my kid(s) don't either.

After your MIL kicked you out, you are going back for Thanksgiving?!?! Where is your family? Why not you and DD go to your family's house for Thanksgiving?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 1:44pm
Liz, I am sorry but your biggest problem is with your DH, not his family. I strongly suggest that maybe you try some counseling. Maybe a neutral third party can help your DH to see that even suggesting that you spend holidays apart is not healthy. There is no way I would have ever allowed my DH to take our children to his mother's for holidays while I stayed home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:40pm

I didn't understand that either...why would you go back that woman's house after she kicked you out? When someone kicks you out, they are also kicking their children out too...IMHO.

"I dont want to limit the IL's contact with my child, they do love her."

Was your child present when your MIL disrespected you? If so, then they are poor role models for your DD. I learned from watching disfunctional r/ships as a child that love means RESPECT and consideration...if they considered your DD they wouldn't be this disrespectful of her mother. Think about it this way, bc your father loves you - he has held his tongue and not disrespected your husband. A grandparent should have the same restraint. Its part of really loving someone...wanting them to be happy bc that makes you happy.

When I had a large fight w/my MIL and she stormed out of my house claiming not to feel welcome - my DH chased her out to the car and reprimanded her for the childish behaviour. The next day, she phoned and apologized. Of course, she said "we'll never get along" during the conversation and I realized that she's fine with that so thats the way it'll be. It makes DH completely sad and upset - but ultimately he loves me for who I am and doesn't want me to try to change bc of his mother.

Wishing you peace,

Go.

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