every time DH & I fight-MIL wins
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every time DH & I fight-MIL wins
| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 1:56pm |
I am at the end of my rope. DH told me tonight that the only reason we are staying at a hotel when we visit his mom for Thanksgiving is because of me. If he had his own way, he would sweep our whole mess under the rug, and move on (act like it never happened). His family easily sweeps things away, no questions asked, no responsibility taken. But I can't just forget that she kicked us out of her home, and was very rude and mean to me. I am the only one who is carrying this now, and it's driving a wedge between me and DH. I don't want it to, but when I think I am the only one


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With all that crap swept under the rug, how can people walk without tripping?
Counseling is my suggestion, with some focus on spousal abuse. The man is telling you to let his mommy spit on you or go without your child on holidays. That is emotional blackmail and spousal abuse.
He is telling you where his loyalties lie.
My heart is aching for you, I don't see any easy answers here. (Can you slip arsenic into her tea? Just a macabre joke.)
Hmm. A thought occurred to me. Is his mother alcoholic too? This sounds suspiciously like co-dependency, with the counting on each other to not expect actual improvements, but to go on as before.
Is there an Al-Anon chapter in your town? They can help the spouses of alcoholics, at least guide you to resources.
I do wish you the very best, no matter how this turns out. Reach out for help, from those who can offer concrete assistance. Check your health insurance policy for coverages and ask about sliding-scale policies from those who offer assistance.
lve2read
Hell would freeze over if my Dh decided I , the MOTHER of the children, was not going to have them for Christmas in our home, simply because he cannot grow up and tell his mother to knock it off.
He is choosing her over you. I think that is sad.
follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange
They are right on the money. He has made his choice of mommy dearest over you and dd. He would expect YOU to apologize if you did that to her but he doesn't expect HER to apologize to you ??
That soo would not fly AT ALL.
Tell him since he picked mommy he can pack his things and go back to mommy and you and dd will be doing your own thing this year!!
I agree with our cl. If your MIL would trash you to your child, or if your child must travel to Grandma's in the hands of an alcoholic, then I hope you will search for some way to put a stop to that.
"my DH is an alcoholic"
And it sounds like he is at the stage when he is not available to have a true marriage. He knows he is doing wrong. He knows he is hurting you and breaking his vows. But he expects you to just take it. That is not a man who can have a marriage.
Thank you all for the kind words and responses.
I am a member of Al Anon, but a new one. They are very helpful. My Dh has been sober for 3 months, and that part is going really well. Its so frustrating that he isn't standing up for me. I want him to be next to me telling his mom that she can't treat me that way. I would stand up to any of my family members if they weren't civil to my DH. I just expected that in return. I dont want to limit the IL's contact with my child, they do love her. It's just I wish DH would have said or done something to support me. He says he's sorry for what she did, but it's all words until action takes place. I want us to start making traditions at our own home for the holidays and he doesn't see it that way.
We are going to counseling now, and have brought this up before, but to no solution.
UGH
Liz
I don't understand that if you didn't go to MIL's for the holidays that DH would take DD to her home anyway. Is that because DH has said that's what he will do or did the two of you agree to that. I don't have any bio kids (I have stepkids), but if I did, and someone told me I wasn't welcome in my home, then I would assume my kids weren't either. If I didn't go to their house, then my kid(s) don't either.
After your MIL kicked you out, you are going back for Thanksgiving?!?! Where is your family? Why not you and DD go to your family's house for Thanksgiving?
I didn't understand that either...why would you go back that woman's house after she kicked you out? When someone kicks you out, they are also kicking their children out too...IMHO.
"I dont want to limit the IL's contact with my child, they do love her."
Was your child present when your MIL disrespected you? If so, then they are poor role models for your DD. I learned from watching disfunctional r/ships as a child that love means RESPECT and consideration...if they considered your DD they wouldn't be this disrespectful of her mother. Think about it this way, bc your father loves you - he has held his tongue and not disrespected your husband. A grandparent should have the same restraint. Its part of really loving someone...wanting them to be happy bc that makes you happy.
When I had a large fight w/my MIL and she stormed out of my house claiming not to feel welcome - my DH chased her out to the car and reprimanded her for the childish behaviour. The next day, she phoned and apologized. Of course, she said "we'll never get along" during the conversation and I realized that she's fine with that so thats the way it'll be. It makes DH completely sad and upset - but ultimately he loves me for who I am and doesn't want me to try to change bc of his mother.
Wishing you peace,
Go.
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