What to do???
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| Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:50pm |
Hey everyone I'm really needing advice right now. I got married a month ago and at my wedding my in-laws especially my FIL and SIL were very rude and racist to me and my family. The week before the wedding I got into a huge fight with my FIL at the tuxedo place b/c I was changing some things in my wedding that he didn't approve of. He was in my face screaming and yelling at me telling me hateful things like if he had his choice I would never be part of the family and this was in front of all my groomsmen and strangers in the shop. My FIL only gave $1000 towards the wedding and believe me he didn't give them without complaining day in and day out. My SIL tried to ruin all my bridesmaids activities the week before. She was an hour or more late to everything and was mad b/c we didn't wait for her and than she would only stay for 5 minutes and go tell my DH that we didn't want her to be part of the activities I had planned. We had told his family months ahead that we would need their help loading, unloading and decorating the hall the night before the wedding, but when the night actually came his family just sat there while we loaded and unloaded everything and than just disappeared without helping decorate.
That was just some of the things that they did before the wedding the day of the wedding they made it a living hell. My FIL was going around screaming that he paid for the wedding and that he should get the pictures he wanted in front of everyone at the church. My SIL was screaming at me and accusing me of stealing her camera b/c it was left in my dressing room at the church. At the reception it was even worse my FIL got in my mom's face b/c they weren't serving his family fast enough and b/c he's family wasn't able to sit all together on one table. My brother got up to calm him down b/c my FIL was yelling and screaming at my mom in front of our guest. My FIL just turns around and pushes my brother and tells him to get out of the way. Just imagine all this is going on while my guest are walking in to the reception. My DH finally calms his father down and has him sit down. Than My SIL thought she would start she was in the kitchen yelling at our waiters telling them what to do (when she should have been sitting down already), she was making my family get off the table they were sitted at so her family could sit down. She was talking mad s*** about me to my bridesmaids telling them i wanted everything perfect and so on and giving me bad looks. She was telling her family and guest that she couldn't sit down with the rest of the wedding party b/c I had her serving. Her and my FIL were very racist ... talking about the music we were playing or about the food we were serving. They were extremely rude to me and my family the whole night.
So what I'm needing advice on is that my SIL hasn't owned up to what she did. I finally told her that she was wrong for what she did and her response that it was my fault. She told my DH that I was trying to brake up the family and trying to ruin their relationship. Til this day she still talks crap and my DH still won't take a stand and tell her anything. As for my FIL he gave me this fake a** apology that my DH told him to give me b/c I was upset, but my DH still gets phone calls telling him that their his family, that their flesh and blood and I'm not.
I don't know what to do this is issue is killing me and my DH doesnt understand. He thinks b/c it's in the past I should let it go, but how can i let it go when they have been so rude and racist to me and my family? Why is it that they can emotionally abuse me and my DH doesn't think it's a big thing?? I know I need to forgive and forget, but how can i forgive and forget if they won't even own up too?? I just want my DH to stand up for me and tell them something, but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I'm just confused and lost and the truth is I'm wondering if i made the mistake of marrying this man. Should I write my FIL and SIL a letter telling them how i feel about what they did?? What should I do?? I'm so confused and I'm emotionally dying inside b/c I feel as if my DH has left me alone.
Any words of advice would be appreciated.

I would not waste time trying to suck up to his family-of-origin, they've shown you their true colors right off the bat.
You might ask your husband who he thinks should be catered to, the people who threw monkey poo (had temper tantrums, that's how monkeys do it, flinging their poo) all over *his* wedding or the woman who still sleeps with him, even though his family-of-origin treated *his* choice of life-mate with such insulting behavior?
Who should he more careful of? Those people he will see sometimes or the woman he pledged to spend his life with?
Who does he think has respect for him? The people who insulted *HIS* fiancee, disrupted *HIS* wedding and verbally attacked her family or the woman who married him ANYWAY?
Is he going to be a man with a wife and family (be very careful with the birth control until he *proves* that he has grown up) or the little boy who lets his Daddy and Sissy tell him who he can marry and how to live his life?
Are you going to be his life's partner or the woman who provides sex when his Daddy and Sissy are too busy to tell him what to do?
Let *his* answers determine the fate of the marriage. Keep in mind that kissing his feet guarantees that he will offer them for kissing. You want him to stand *beside* you, not lord it over you. Unless you are a masochist. Are you?
Sorry to be so harsh, but all too often women (and girls) go on and on about how awful their "man" treats them, but then wave off any suggestions of self-respect with "But I wuuuuuuuvvvvvvvv him!" as if *that* makes it all better! Not saying you would and I certainly hope not! But words of love are meaningless when the *actions* scream "I don't care what you want/need/feel!!" What do his *ACTIONS* tell you? Why does he think it's okay for *HIS* wife, the woman he claims to LOVE, to be treated with such evil abuse? How long before *HE* starts abusing you too? The signs are all there.
Why do you feel this big need to "tell them how you feel"? What do you hope to accomplish? What do you see happening as a response? Honey, they *KNOW* how you feel. They are cruel bullies, not stupid!!
Have enough love and respect for yourself as a human being and as a woman to insist that you be treated like an adult human being and not like some inflatable sex toy. If he won't *choose* to be a proper husband, standing beside his wife, then throw him back and move on to a *REAL* man. One who can treat you with the consideration, respect and love that you deserve!
lve2read
Hi Newwife_06, welcome to the board!
I'm sorry to hear that your ILs ruined your special day. There is no excuse for the way they acted on your wedding day.
Why isn't your DH standing up for you? Is he afraid of his family? What is the deal with that? They ruined his wedding and he still talks to them!?!? He married YOU and not them. He should be standing up for you as his wife. He thinks you should just let it all go??! That they ruined your wedding and you should just let it go? We aren't talking about a party at someone's house, we are talking about your WEDDING here! Your DH obviously has issues with his family and for whatever reason, can't stand up to them.
As for his family, if it were me, I would have absolutely NOTHING, NOTHING to do with these people. I wouldn't answer the door for them, I wouldn't have them over my house and I would not in any way, shape or form associate with these so-called people. They have been racist and totally out of line on your wedding day. There isn't one excuse that I can think of that would justify their behavior.
Your DH needs to know that you aren't going to stand for his family's behavior and if that means going to your family's house on the holidays, then so be it. Also, not only did your famliy treat YOU like crap, but they treated your mother like crap, too. That is WAY OVER THE LINE if you ask me.
Ok, I guess I'll get off my soapbox now. Stepping down. ;-)
A couple of things stick out in your post for me. First one, you complain that FIL only gave your $1000 toward the wedding. Be grateful he did that. He didn't have to donate any money. It is nice when parents help with wedding expenses, but they should not be expected to. If you cannot afford the wedding without financial assistance, then scale down. The other thing is expecting the inlaws to help decorate the hall. While, again, it is nice when people help, they shouldn't be expected to.
Personally, I would have not taken the money and told the inlaws to go home when you were decorating the hall. I would not have expected a damn thing from them.
Now, onto your DH. He needs to piss or get off the pot. He shouldn't be listening to people talk about you like a dog. Did you see this kind of behavior before the wedding? I would ask him what he would expect you to do if your family treated him like that? He needs to decide whom he wants to spend his life with, you or them. If he is not going to defend you, or stand up for you, his wife, then personally, I would tell him to go home to his "faaaaamily" until he can decide what he wants to do.
If you answer the phone and they start in on you, hang up. If you see them on Caller ID, don't answer. If they come to your home and start crap, have them removed. You do not have to take this crap lying down. DH doesn't like it>? Tough. Then he should grow up and do what is right by the person he CHOSE to spend his life with and tell his Daddy and Sissy to get bent.
My best girlfriend had a similar situation on her wedding day. You see, her mother (also my soon-to-be MIL because her son and I are engaged) has a control issue. She didn't want anyone else making the decisions in the wedding or playing her up with money, decorations, what-have-you. So, when the groom's mother wanted to take pictures (since it's a hobby she's had for a couple of decades) she through the biggest 5-year-old tantrum I've ever seen. It made my spoiled rotten 3-year-old godson look like an angel. She stated that (in a PG version) that she didn't want her oversized behind in the aisles destracting the wedding party and she would call the police to have her escorted if she saw it happening. This is your daughter's MIL your talking about! And if that wasn't bad enough, she had a hissy-fit over a second reception where the out-of-towners could enjoy wine and secular music to dance to. Boy did that cause a racket. This really made me think "Do I want to go through this when I marry her son?"
We had already had our set of experiences with her. And most of the time it caused a fight between my fiance and I. But when major things that started getting personal, he stepped in and laid down the law. He did it tactfully because it was his mother, but he did it nonetheless.
So, my advice to you:
Give him a chance. Standing up to his family is very difficult. Could you stand up to your parents if you thought they MIGHT be right. Of course they aren't but that's not what he is seeing. He sees the man who raised him and the sister who beat up bullies in school for him. He feels like he is betraying them after all these years if he stands up to them. But one of these days, he'll get frustrated enough that he'll be forced to make the decision, just like my guy did. When she started getting personal and hitting those sensitive areas, it was time to step in. When he's finally had enough (which is the hardest part to wait) he'll explode and he'll have some things to say to them that may not be very nice. I'm a firm beleiver in making it work. So I wouldn't suggest leaving him, and I know that leaving him is the last thing you want to hear or do. But if he doesn't show any improvement in the next couple of years, I would have to say leave for your own mental health. Some might even call me crazy for suggesting years. But give him time to make that change; they don't change over night. Mine didn't! And he still has set-backs. But he tries for me. And he does things that are uncomfortable for ME! If he loves you, he'll at least try. And you might be expecting something overnight. Don't! Because it might seem like forever, but it's only a fraction of time for him. You know how time seems to fly while you're waiting to do something that you don't want to do!
MOST OF ALL: BE PATIENT! God will work things out for you if it's meant to be. And if it's not, then he'll find a situation that's 1,000 times better and that will make you happy. So don't force yourself to stay for any number of reasons. You might be passing up a Romeo!
Good luck in all you do and in your life.
I am sorry. Asking someone to put up with abusive inlaws for "a couple of years"???? That is unacceptable and just plain wrong for her to have to do that.
You know, I love my family of origin. I really do. But, if my family members treated my husband like the OP described how her inlaws have acted, I would tell them point-blank, to buzz off. To knock off the crap, yesterday. And believe me, it would not be easy to do. I hate confrontation, probably worse than most men do. But, you see, I actually love my husband and know that he is to come first with me. Not my family of origin. I chose him.
I believe that when you marry, your spouse comes first. Not dear old Daddy or Sissy. I still say that if you cannot do right by your spouse, you should have never married, and perhaps need to go home to Mommy.
I do agree with you that she should not stay forever and be miserable if he doesn't grow up.
Hey everyone first of all thanks for all your advice. I just thought I would give you all an update on what's going on, finally after a little over a month and me telling him I was wanting a divorce things are finally changing. Last night we finally sat down and talked about everything that was going on I told my DH that I was really trying to forgive and forget, but it was hard b/c what they did was wrong and they won't even own up to it and than it makes it worse b/c he wouldn't even stand up for me. I told him I lost the trust and the safe feeling I had for him. He finally admitted that he was scared of fighting with his family and that he always has been. I told him I understood that he was scared, but I felt alone b/c of it. I told him that were usually okay during the day ... we'll be doing what-ever we do, but than his family calls, texts or visits and all hell brakes loose. I told him that his family is the main problem in our relationship and that I think we should step away from them a while. I told him that I'm not asking forever .. I'm just asking till we can build a stronger foundation in our marriage and that I can learn to trust him and be safe again in his arms. I told him not to do it just for me, but to do it for us ... to do it b/c he really wants to save our marriage. So, he finally agreed that we would step away from his family so that way we can learn to depend on each other and we can learn how to stick up for one another when needed.
But this is the thing I thought I would feel great to know that he actually is willing to do this for us, but instead I feel bad and guilty like I did something wrong. These people have done so much to hurt me and our relationship and I haven't done one thing to them. So why is it that I feel bad like I'm the one that treated them and their family like crap on their wedding day? Is it normal to feel bad when you ask your spouse not to talk to his family for a whille to save your marriage?
Well anyways that's the update...
That's great that your husband is going to work on this with you! And yes, it's very normal to feel guilt when we start setting boundaries with people. Cloud/Townswend are authors of the book Boundaries and they go into this in detail explaining that when we first start setting boundaries we need to acquire guilt, the guilt is a sign that you're on the path of protecting yourself from someone's abusive behavior. It's a good book that can really help you with this. I've found it invaluable.
Good luck with this and i hope you find peace of mind.
cbc