Help with a malicious MIL please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Help with a malicious MIL please
20
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:02pm
I'm new here and basically looking for some help for a situation that is completely out of control. My MIL.
I have an 18 month old son and my husband and I have been married for 3 years. Together for 6. I also have a 15 year old daughter.
Once upon a time my MIL was a great friend to me. Back before we were married and we spent every single weekend at her house. Once we married and bought a house and had a family of our own the trouble started. But, the big trouble started when my son was born. Ever since he was born she has intruded on our lives at every turn. The big problem that I face is that myson has medical issues and has a strict diet he must follow. When he doesn't he gets very ill. She refuses to follow the rules on this. Refuses...Like down right maliciously gives him stuff he can't have and when he gets sick she cries to my husband that she didn't know. And that she's so sorry. She has made comments to me such as "It's grandma's pergorative" and "grandma's don't have rules" both in front of my husband. Since the last episode 3 months ago I have broke contact with them. Refusing them to see my son. Which has been wonderful for me except that this past weekend my FIL went into a tyrant and cussed out my daughter on the phone (thinking she was me) and then my husband. My husbandis now telling me that I am the one that has caused the problems by not allowing them visits and that I have caused them so much pain. He can't deal with his mother being so upset and istaking my son for a visit this weekend. I have tried to explain that this will only allow her to think it's ok to be mean to me and the kids. And he says he understands that but will not allow me to torment his mother any longer.
When given the choice he have firmly stated that he is on his mother's side and willnot stand by me.
I am at a point where I believe my marriage is over. How can I not allow this women to ruin my marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 4:49pm

" How can I not allow this women to ruin my marriage?"

By doing your part to not allow it. Go with your husband this weekend and take the kids. Print out and laminate a sheet listing foods that your son is not allowed to have, and amounts if necessary (possibly include any course of action if he unknowingly has something he shouldn't) and tape it to her refridgerator. Smile and politeley happily say something like "I know how you sometimes forget, so I made up a list of foods (sons name here) can't have because of his medical condition. I know that you felt just awful the last time you accidentally gave him something he couldn't have so I thought this would be helpful." Smile again and then let it go.

You do this for two reasons. One, hopefully to repare the relationship so that your husband isn't in the possition he is in and your children can have their grandma. Two, just in case she truly IS malicious and evil, going against the list that you so graciously provided her, you can tell your husband tough crap she's an evil woman and you will NOT put your sons life in jeopardy just so she quits nagging to her son. You'll have more ground to stand against her if you try to work with her first.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 5:36pm

WTH is wrong with your husband???

He needs to grow up and put you and your child FIRST, not his mommy or daddy. He needs to stop blaming you and put the blame where it belongs, with his uncaring, selfish parents.

What your husband is doing is child abuse, or at the very least, neglect, plain and simple, if he takes his child to see someone who would purposely make the child ill. Also, I have to question your husband's feelings for the child and for you, to allow this visit. Why are his mommeeee's feelings more important than yours or more important than the health and well-being of your child.

If it were me, I would do whatever I had to do, but there would be NO WAY in heck I would allow my husband to do what yours is doing. He has no right to take your child to a place where they give the child food that makes him sick and where people think it is okay to cuss out the mother of the child.

I wouldn't want my marriage to end, either. But this might very well be a dealbreaker, if it were me.

Be sure to document everything that has happened, to the best of your ability. Dates, incidents, etc. It might prove useful in court.

I cannot believe a father would do this to his child. Or his wife. I am just sickened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:17am

Hi Andrae15601, welcome to the board!

So, let me get this straight. Your DH is upset with you because his Mommy won't follow the strict diet that your son NEEDS to be on and your son has been sick because of it? Also, that he is going to be on his mother's side no matter what? You are tormenting his mother, but in the meantime your son gets sick when his mother feeds him things he shouldn't be eating!?!?

OK, call me confused. He's taking his mother's side over his child's side. To me, that is pathetic in and of itself. He should be backing up you as his wife and the mother of his child on this issue. Has he said WHY he won't back you up on this issue? Is he afraid of Mommmmmyyyy dearest?

Also, your husband told you that he is going to take your son to visit his mother this weekend. If it were me, the child would NOT be going with him, since MIL cannot follow the dietary rules and has no regard as to what you say the rules are as the mother. I would tell him that if he wants to go see Mommy, he can go BY HIMSELF.

As for the marriage, I would say marriage counseling sounds like a good idea. He needs to support YOU and his child, NOT his mother. He needs to be on the same team as you, especially when it comes to the kid(s). If he doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, then it sounds like you have some thinking to do. If even things didn't work out between the two of you, he would most likely be taking your son to his mother's house, so no matter what, she is going to go against the rules and make your son sick by giving him food that he isn't supposed to be having.




Edited 10/25/2006 12:20 am ET by cl-stretch123
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:37am
Thank you all for your advice. My husband wants to appease his mother because he says he can't stand the thought of not seeing her. And that her cutting him out of her life is not something he can live with. And, that the fact that he stands up to her and forces the issue will make her not want him in her life either.
It sounds pretty crazy to me but I have been around this women long enough to know he is right on that. My problem with it is if it was my mother I would just deal with not seeing her until she saw things my way. But, I guess being the mommy's boy he is he thinks differently. I just don't get it.
I have not made any decisions on the fate of my marriage however I have made the decision that my son will not go without me. And since I'm not welcome in her home then she will not see him. That's the whole issue here....She defied me, made my son sick, and when I got upset about it she turned it around that I was wrong to be upset. And therefore refuses me to come to her home because I can't treat her "nicely" So, I guess only time will tell what my husband will decide to do. For me, I am looking out for my kids. Period.
And you are right....If I leave him she will have total and complete access to him every other weekend because that is where my husband will be taking him. And that will cause even more problems then this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:45am

>>>And he says he understands that but will not allow me to torment his mother any longer<<<

But it's ok for his mother to torment and endanger a small child?! Wth?!

Question your husband on this, but tell him to put aside for a bit that it's his mother doing this: does he think it is ok for someone to feed his child foods that make him ill? what does he think of someone who would do that to any child? what does he think of someone who does that to HIS child? would he let that person be alone with his child? trust that person to be around his child? What are his responsibilities to his child? how does his son's illness effect his responsibilities...

IOW, anything you can think of to get your husband to stop thinking of this topic in terms of his mommy versus his wife and child. Make sure you aren't directing your complaints against his mommy, but toward you acting in the best interests of your child.

Really, my first thought was that you should contact your son's doctor and get his advice or have him talk to your husband. But I don't know what kind of legal trouble that might start.

In the longer term, if you really want to save this marriage, then see a couples therapist.

http://www.paganedge.com/
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:35am

Not necessarily. If you can show proof that your MIL made your child ill, she can be barred from seeing him, and in fact, could be brought up on charges. Of course, that is extreme, but look at it this way. To me, this is the same as denying someone needed medication, or giving them too much of a medication, on purpose. What if he had a peanut allergy? Those can be deadly? I suppose it would be okay with your Dh if she killed your son, because after all, she is just "so sorry".

But I agree. If you are not welcome, neither is your child.

Personally, I would contact the pediatrician and have him/her talk to your DH. If he gets pissy about that, then you know that he really doesn't care about your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:52am

You know, this situation sounds similar to something that happened to a friend of mine.

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 3:00pm

I've been thru the food allergia problem too~~I'm lactose intol & have GERD. My MIL doesn't believe that I have this problem, she is forever trying to feed me foods that she knows darn well I am not suppose to eat. I've been known to stop eatting when I find she is trying to poisoning me.

Personally the OP should be pointing out to her dh (d stands for dumb@$$ husband) that your MIL is poising your son, and if she doesn't stop your going to get a RO againist her to keep your son safely away from her.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:17am

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Not true. My cousin was in the same boat you're in with the MIL and the wimpy H. She divorced him because he wouldn't put the health of his daughter before his mommy. She documented everything and had enough evidence that the judge forbid the MIL from having contact with the children and daddy only gets supervised visitation because he can't be trusted to put his kids before his mommy. It can be done. You have to play hardball with idiots like these.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:04pm
I agree with the other ladies. You H is way to loyal to a woman who is abusing your son. How would he feel if one day she gave him something that killed him? What will it take for your H to take off the blinders? What price will your son have to pay for him to stop choosing Mommy? I would flat out ask him what is more important, his son's life, or his Mommy's feeeelings? Ask him why he would purposely put his son's life at risk just to see his mother? Why can't he see her without your son? He needs to tell her that she knew the rules regarding his diet, and she deliberately gave him things he can't have anyway, and then acted like she didn't know. He should ask, does she enjoy hurting her gs. Grandparenting is a privilege not a right. She cares nothing for your son's health, therefore she doesn't get to see him. There is no negotiating this. H either cares about his son more then Mommy, or he doesn't. Oh and who cares if she cuts him off. The world will not come to an end. He needs to grow up and stop being so damn dependant on mommy in order to live. He is not a man.

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