MIL visit - one way ticket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
MIL visit - one way ticket
8
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 6:27pm

My husband and I live several hundred miles away from his mother and only visit her every year or two. She retired in her early fifties and is financially set for life. Her personality is extremely passive/passive aggressive and claims total ignorance when any extremely inconsiderate behavior is brought to her attention. My husband loves his mother and lets most issues slide, he doesn't want to cause any friction whatsoever. She has only been here to visit twice, many years ago when we were just starting out. Her last visit was when we were still living in a small one bedroom apartment. She brought her daughter and two grandchildren to stay for a week. Six people and a dog in a one bedroom was absolute hell. It never occurred to her to possibly stay in a hotel/motel. She also came on that trip with no cash, only a credit card which she refused to use for small purchases. She finally borrowed $100 from my husband after he and her daughter got tired of hearing that she had no cash and could they please pay. Over the years I've learned that cheap and inconsiderate is standard mode of operation for her when my husband and I are involved. Other family members receive laptops, televisions, trips to Disney, etc. as gifts, my husband receives a pair of jeans and a sweater for Christmas. Our newborn has received a single onesie from dear old grandma, although she has said she would reimburse us for a swing.

My current problem is that we invited my MIL to visit for a week to see her newborn grandchild. This is our first child and we are just learning the ropes. We didn't set any dates for her visit, our only request was that she wait a few weeks following the birth for us to establish some sort of routine. It's now approaching two months following the birth and she finally let us know that she had booked a flight. The problem being that she has only booked a one-way flight. She's using a free round trip airline ticket that she received from being bumped from a flight during vacation earlier this year. Her reply when asked why she didn't book a flight home was that because it is a free ticket, she can book a return flight a day in advance when needed. My husband didn't push the issue on a return date. He feels that since he only invited her for a week, that she'll only be staying for a week. Based on past behavior, I have my doubts. I can't comprehend why anyone wouldn't book a round trip flight from the start. We both work, I'll be returning from maternity leave during her visit and need to commit to daycare for our child. My husband will also be taking time off during her visit. It's near impossible to plan for daycare and vacation time when you don't have any set date for return. I've asked my husband to push for a date, but he hasn't yet. I'm sure he is avoiding any sort of conflict with her, heaven forbid she get offended that we want to know when she is leaving. My current plans are to move forward as if she were only staying for a week. Any thoughts on how to handle this without coming across as the evil DIL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:20pm
I don't understand why continuing on with your life could have you coming off as the "evil DIL"? By all means, go as though she's staying a week. You're going back to work and putting your sweet baby in daycare, your MIL will notice when she's left there at your house alone if she is still there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:30pm
Without a doubt I would proceed with your intial plans for daycare. You all let her know your schedules and were kind enough to invite her out to stay in your home for 1 week. Do not let her manipulate the situation. You have to follow through with your plans so that she knows that you are the mother and you are in control (along with dh) as to the care of your daughter and the way your household will be run. I do not mean to sound harsh but warning bells were going off as I read your post. Also, if dh cannot stand up to mommy even though he is now a father, you will have to be the one to be firm. Not mean and not rude, just be firm and polite. You could approach her by showing literature from the daycare and the day that your baby is scheduled to start. If she intends on staying longer to babysit, she should spill the beans at that point. And hey, I don't know about you but if she only frequents your area seldom, you can trust her to take care of your baby safely, she does not try to undermine your relationship with dh or dd, you might let her stay for another week to allow your baby some more one-on-one time rather than straight to a daycare. You might even compromise and make the transition for your baby easier by letting the baby stay with grandma for half a day and at the daycare half a day for a week so that your baby can get used to the change. It all depends on the way you look at it and how she treats you when she arrives. You will figure out the best solution. Just look at the big picture. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:21pm
Turns out my husband did speak to his mother earlier this week, asking what date she would be returning home from her week visit. She claimed that she had never heard that the invitation was for a week only, which I know he emphasized every time the visit was discussed. She told my husband that she had planned on staying as long as we would have her. He let her know again that she should only plan on a week. I found all this out after going into a rant last night upon hearing that MIL had told BIL that she would be visiting us for at least three weeks, possibly longer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:34am
What did you decide to do? Is she being spiteful to your dh about the 1 week? I know how difficult it can be to tolerate from relatives their assumptions for their intrusion or demands they put on you without a thought of your daily life responsibilities and needs that do not include them. Good luck with this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 9:47am
MIL arrives tomorrow, still haven't heard that she has booked a flight home. I had hoped she would book a return flight after he reminded her that the invite was for a week. No such luck. My husband researched available flights and gave her a call on Sunday morning. He let her know the schedules and told her to book a flight for either next Friday, Saturday or Sunday, her choice. She said she would call him yesterday or today to let him know. He's hoping she leaves on Saturday morning, so we have the rest of the weekend to relax. I won't be surprised if she arrives and still hasn't booked a return flight. Excuse would be that she was too busy, forgot, thought it could wait, didn't think we were serious about wanting a date/time, etc. Daycare is set for the 20th, which is FIRM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:54am
Buy her a return ticket. The money it will cost you is worth the sanity it will save you, and is worth the message it will send to her about you two being serious and meaning what you say.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 1:03pm
Sit down with her at the first convenient moment and call (conference call if you have 2 phones) the airline/travel agent and book a flight. Or book it online if that's more convenient. Stand over her shoulder. You can be polite about it "help her out" "let's do this so we know how much time we have to enjoy together" yaddayadda... But get it done. Might be a good thing really as you and your husband can use the opportunity to get her a flight that is more convenient for you. Don't let her have excuses.
http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 7:00pm
So, how did your week go? I'm curious to know if the MIL pushed the envelope like they love to do.