Take control back from mother-in-law???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Take control back from mother-in-law???
7
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:25am

Hi All

I've just recently got engaged to a lovely man, but his mother is extremely interferring and is trying to take over the organisation of my wedding. She is driving me nuts and is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with her son.

Without being rude, how can I take control back from her and make sure that I get the wedding that I want?

She wants something big and lavious and I want something small and envious, I am at my wits end and sometimes feel that perhaps my fiance should go and secretly get married my the magistrate !!!

Any ideas or stories of people who have been in the same situation would really ease my mind.

Thanks all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 12:20pm
hello! well, my best advice is to be gently honest to your mil to be. my sister had the same problem last year when she was planning her wedding-and she ended up having a blow out with her-and it did get the job done-her mil butted out-but she still felt horrible. you have to be honest with her now before you have a blow up like my sis did. just tell her that you appreciate the help, but you want to have a small affair. tell her that you dont like big crowds, that you dont want tons of people there that youre not comfortable with, and that youre also wooried about the cost of a big wedding. even if shes going to pay for a certain portion of it-big weddings can cost big bucks-and you dont want all that fuss made...just talk to her about it-but make sure you tell her youre not excluding her or anything, but you would rather plan this wedding together. and that doing it together invovles you to have a big say over things...hth! good luck!
joanne
maman2goons@aol.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:49pm
Thanks so much Joanne, I'm going to give that a try and hopefully it does the trick.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 2:27pm
If she isn't paying for anything, she has no say. Just smile and tell her its all been taken care of, and leave it at that. She can only control things if you allow her. What I would do with every vendor is let them know that no changes are to be made unless they hear directly from you. I'm sure they get this all of the time. Just give them the heads up. I am sure they will tell your MIL something like we can't make changes without the bride's approval.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 4:09pm

First off, make sure that you and your fiance are financing the wedding, and not your future MIL. Even the smallest contrabution can get some into the entitlement phase and you want to keep her as far away from any slight miniscule grasp of entitlement.

Second, talk with your fiance and decide what the two of you want your wedding to be. It will get easier if the two of you have decided what you do and almost more important, do NOT want.

Third, politely decline. Get used to starting sentences "that's very nice of you but...", "that is a lovely suggestion but...", "we will consider that", and "thank you for...., but....".

Fourth, remember that by marrying him, you are volunteering for her to be in your life. So, as long as she is annoying and not evil, you smile. Be polite. Do what you want and don't live your lives to make her happy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:21pm

Hi Foxytots, welcome!

Congrats on the engagement!

How does your fiance feel about his mother trying to take over the organization of the wedding?

The next time your future MIL says something about organizing the wedding, let her know that you already have decided what you are going to do (even if you haven't). Also, you can let her know that she can relax because YOU are organizing it.

Perhaps if your future MIL is going to continue to be a pain no matter what you and/or your fiance say, maybe you should considering eloping and having a nice wedding somewhere just the two of you, or a few close friends and family members (if you so choose).


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Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:06am

We had the same problem. My dh and I wanted to go the judge to get married, and then have a family cookout afterwards. (this was when my mil still liked me, I wasn't the evil daughter-in-law yet) Anyways, his family would not accept that. They started looking into where we can have a big party, catering, music, the whole deal. We didn't want any of that. We wanted just a simple cookout and that's it.

We ended up canceling the date we were supposed to get married, and we changed it and didn't tell anyone. I mean nobody. We got up on July 3rd,2004, and went to the courthouse and got married. We didn't tell anyone that day. It was our secret. The next day was the Fourth of July and there was already a cookout planned for that day at our house, but it was just something simple. We waited until everyone got there on the Fourth of July and we had our cookout the way we wanted it. We have absolutely no regrets about the way we did it.

The bottom line is, it's your wedding, do it your way. Even if it means that you have to be a little creative or sneaky to get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:06am
You could try to double bluff them and say something like," Sure, that's a great idea! Anything you want. But you do realise, you are paying for the whole wedding, don't you?" If she says, "Oh no, I can't do that," say, "Oh well, never mind. We only wanted a small wedding anyway and since we're financing it, we'll do it our way."


“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007