What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
What should I do?
19
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:23am
Not sure what to do here. My wife and my mother used to have a great relationship. Talk on the phone, go shopping, etc. About a year ago my mother started dropping subtle hints that she didn't care for my wife. This past weekend my mother was visiting from out of state and seemed to really enjoy spending time with us and our 1yr.old son. Out of the blue my mother decided to leave a little earlier than scheduled. She even left without saying goodbye to my wife who was in the bathroom at the time. We were shocked and perplexed by this as her behavior truly came out of nowhere. I spoke to my mother the following day but was hesitant to bring up the issue for fear of gettimg into a huge argument. She was very pleasant to me on the phone but didn't even mention my wife at all. This leads me to believe she has a problem with my wife. However, we have NO IDEA what this problem could be. Since my mother lives out of state we rarely see her, so I do not want to risk getting into ar argument that leads to not seeing her at all. My instinct is to not mention it at all and pretned it never happened during the one or two times per year that we actually do get together. Any advice how to deal with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:49am

You have to call your mother and point blank ask her. You can not can not CAN NOT allow your mother to disrespect your wife and mother of your child, and you have to know why she is being passive agressively hostile towards her "suddenly".

Call her up. Say something like "mom, I've noticed that you have become a bit cold and unpleasant to (wifes name) at your last visit and I need you to tell me from your point of view why, because as of late you and (wifes name) had a close great non-stereotypical in-law relationship."

Let her explain herself. If she is evasive, denies it, or says anything other than what it is causing this you have got to tell her that it hurts you and (wifes name) the way she was acting and treating her, and you hope at her next visit she is back to her pleasant friendly polite self. Then tell her you love her and will talk to her later, hang up and go give your wife a big bear hug.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 12:12pm
You HAVE to grow up and start acting like an adult husband and father. You need to confront your mother immediately before speculations and hurt feelings have time to get out of proportion. You need to find out just what is at the root of her strange and rude behavior. You need to let your mother know in no uncertain terms that YOU WILL NOT ALLOW her to treat your wife with disrespect. Your mother may get angry, confrontation may very well cause her to become defensive and she may choose not to see you for a while. Pretending that there is not a problem will only cause it to escalate -- it will not disappear just because you would rather not be man enough to deal with it assertively. At the very least, your mother is just a rude houseguest. However, experience with my own MIL tells me that this is her passive aggressive attempt to drive a wedge between you and your wife. You CANNOT allow it! Your responsibility is first and foremost to the woman you married, not your mother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:24pm
My manhood aside, I am reluctant to confront my mother because she has given me A LOT of financial help over the past couple of years and spoils my son beyond belief. I agree that it does not give her the right to act disrespectful to my wife and I, but since I would not be where I am without her help I am thinking about just biting my toungue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:40pm
Your choice is your mother and her money over your wife and marriage. I am truly sorry for your wife and child. :o(
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:48pm

You really have no idea what you are talking about. But please feel free to pat youself on the back for being so high and mighty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 3:03pm
I don't mean to come off as "high and mighty". Why would you seek advice if you know everything?? I really did not have any intentions of offending you.
I have been in your wife's place. Had my husband not agreed to counseling at the time our marriage would not have survived. He could not stand up to his mother and she offered gifts every chance she got. (We did not ask for her help financially or otherwise.) It was a passive aggressive attempt to have "control" of our lives. It was like my MIL had "bought" stock in our marriage and she felt she had the right to disrespect me and our marriage. Gifts, particularly those of money, that come with "strings attached" can be very damaging to your relationship with your wife. Many times it is difficult to recognise there are "strings attached" until it is too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:12pm

My wife and I are in agreement on this one. We both think my mother's behavior was disrespectful and puzzling at the very least. Also, I have stood up to my mother in the past... a little over a year ago we had a HUGE argument about what she perceived to be rude behavior on my part. Our relationship has slowly got back to "normal" after that fight which is why I am so reluctant to get involved in another argument after I worked so hard to repair the hurt feelings from last year. My mother is really not that involved in our lives since she lives about 800 miles away, which is the only reason I am even thinking about letting this slide. In fact the physical distance between us is the reason I believe she has been so generous with me. She must feel guilty about not being able to see her grnadson grow-up and is trying to compensate by giving gifts and money. Her generosity is definitely not a way of being controling, rather she is trying to buy her way into being a good grandmother.

I posted on this board to gather some tips on how to deal with this situation. Thus far I’ve received two responses suggesting I confront my mother. I certainly appreciate those suggestions and I may in fact do just that.

Thanks

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:35pm

No one is saying you should just cut your mom off or cuss her out. But, I also have been in your wife's place. You want to know how it feels to have the man you love not defend you or do the right thing by you? It feels like he doesn't love you.

IMO, if you don't do what is right by your wife, whom you chose as your life's partner, because you are afraid to lose your mother's affection and money, etc, then you really are going to have problems.

It seems like you are doing an awful lot of repairing of your mother's feelings. Perhaps you ought to not feel so responsible for a grown woman and her temper tantrums. You are not responsible to her. You are responsible to your wife and child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:11pm

Daveves, welcome to the board!

I agree with everyone else. I think you should confront your mother. That is nice that she has been generous to you over the years with money, but that doesn't give her the right to be rude to your wife. Also, just because she has helped you doesn't mean that she should slide on being rude to your wife.

You married your wife and chose her to be the mother of your children. She is more important than your mother. Your mother's feelings are secondary, no matter how much your mother may do for you.

I think you need to stick up for your wife and say something. I realize that things are getting back to normal from an episode last year, but I still think you need to confront her about it. If she is allowed to be rude to your wife, she is going to keep doing it unless you take a stand.

What you have explained, you don't want to make waves because your mother has helped you financially, is the reason why I don't ask any family members for favors. This way, I don't owe them anything. To me, it is the best way to be. Otherwise, some people feel like that they "owe" someone because someone has helped them (read: guilt), like you feel with your mother. However, I still think your wife's feelings come before your mother and her $$.




Edited 11/1/2006 8:11 pm ET by cl-stretch123
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: daveves
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:17pm

So...a little over a year ago you and your mother had a fight and a year ago your mother started dropping hints that she doesn't like your wife? Is that right? Events happened in this order?

I ask because it seems to me that often times people blame or take out negative emotions on their DIL or SIL rather than their own child. Is it possible that your mother finds it easier to focus her hurt feelings/resentment/anger from the argument with you on your wife?

If this is a possibility, then you do need to confront your mother. Either to dig out the root cause and deal with it, or to protect your wife and child from the after-effects of the argument.

If you do decide to confront your mother, you don't need to do it combatively or have it lead to another huge fight. It's better to keep your cool and focus on what really is going on in your mom's head and how to neutralize the problem and shield your wife and kid.

Just a couple of thoughts. Good luck. :)

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