To Be or Not to Be with the In-Laws
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 11-01-2006 - 12:21pm |
Hello,
I have been married for four years now and with the same man for eight. We had no money when we got married and whatever we made from our wedding gifts we invested a small amount in an apartment and my in-laws also invested almost 80K in the our property. Their intentions were great, and that was to help us establish a property, pay it off by renting it, and then come live with them for free so we can save our money and put a down payment on property #2 (a house in which my husband & I would move into).
Anyway, four years later my DH and I have NOT been able to save much (probably less than 20K) we want to move into a townhome or such and need enough to put down a good amount. That would mean living with my in-laws for another year (on top of teh already four years) and I can't do that.
Now that you know my financial situation, here's my home life situation. I live with my in-laws who run a business from home (my hubby and my SIL work in that business as well). So my husband works in the same house we reside, my SIL is over all the time with her newborn and taken over a guest bedroom and washroom on our side and her guests who want to come see the baby are over ALL the time (my in-laws renovated the house by splitting the house in 2, my DH and I live on one side). My BIL brings over his three year old to be babysitter by my MIL (to whome I can't say much b/c all hell will break lose if I try to discipline the little one when she's jumping on the sofa on my side).
And so there is constant traffic over all the time. I cannot close-off my space b/c my DH gets upset. My DH thinks that it's rude to close off the space when we're living for free and so it's not REALLY our space. I understood that, so I offered to pay rent. My IL refuse to take rent from us and found it offensive that I asked. (Don't ask).
Anyway, there's constant traffic and to make it worse when I asked my husband to reveal his savings so we can gather it up and move into WHATEVER we can afford, I come to find out that his employer (my FIL) is saving my DH's money. I was so upset, b/c I am thinking that my DH should be man enough to save his own money. Anyway, my FIL doesn't have the time to sit with us and go over my DH's savings and debts.
To make matters worse b/c my DH worked at home and lived in the ruckus of a house plus my constant complaining of how much I hated our situation, he would always be out. ALWAYS. My anger and resent would build up inside b/c I would be at home with his family while HE was out with his friends enjoying and relaxing. My DH never stopped me from going out but I am not much of a social bug anyway. I would rather stay home but when my SIL moved in matters got worse. I had no privacy, no autonomy, and I had to comply with my MIL rules (about how to stay quite around the newborn, or attend to my SIL guests, or help my MIL in the kitchen).
So basically my hands are tied. I can't move out (don't have a handle on my DH's money which will help maximize our down payment), I can't pay rent (so I can get some privacy). I basically can’t so anything.
So where am I with all this stuff? Fed up? I don't have a say in the way my DH & I live, nor am I respected in that home. I don't have any kids, so basically I consider myself to be at the bottom of the TOTEM POLE in that house. I have no say, no go, and no leverage!
I finally (after reading the bestseller Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner) I realized that I have to do what I feel is right for me and stop arguing or trying to change things. So, I packed my bags and moved back in with my parents. My DH and I speak on a regular basis; we have accepted that it has to be this way. I don't want to move back in and he is not financially stable to move out.
My parents think I should move back with the IL b/c the current distance will jeopardize my relationship with my in-laws and husband. What are your thoughts on this situation? The question is to be or not to be with the In-Laws?
Please advise.

I think you might tell your parents thank you for their input, and discuss your visions of the future with your husband.
Is he ready to be self-reliant, taking care of his own money and home or is he still needing Mommy and Daddy to "take care" of him? You might phrase things much more respectfully than I did, but that's essentially what you need to know. And insist that he *show* you his sincerity, not just speak it. Walk the walk, not just talk the talk of an adult ready to be life partner with you.
He might not be prepared to see life separate from his family of origin. They sound rather enmeshed, and he might not be able to be happy in a different situation. That may need to be considered as the two of you work this out.
And are you looking at yourself, *your* attitudes, *your* behaviors, to see that you are showing readiness to be an adult life partner with him? There would be a lot of growing *with* each other, but you both have to be in a place of readiness for adult partnership, working together and sharing dreams and life goals.
How does he know that his father actually *has* the money, if he never asks for an accounting? How can he plan for a home for *his* family (that's you and any children you may have) if he never handles his own finances or at least regularly checks monthly statements?
You might also consider marital counseling to help the two of you learn to work together towards common goals.
Good luck to you, I wish you long-term happiness no matter how this comes out.
lve2read
Ayesha786, welcome to the board!
It sounds like you should stay put at your parents' house. I understand what your parents are saying. However, your DH seems to still be tied to his parents and they are controlling his finances. I don't understand how a grown man does not know how much $$ he has saved or can't go and find out and has to talk to his father about it. I don't get it.
Maybe the longer you are away from your DH, maybe he will realize that he needs to mature a bit and get away from his parents.
I thank you all for your advise. I think we all see eye to eye here. The questions you all have , I have those same questions. How can my husband (a grown man) NOT take care of his own finances? Why is it that I was completely wedged out of the place I used to live b/c it was is comfortable for HIS family? Why am I waiting for him to grow up, is four years in a marriage not enough to wake him up? Why are his parents enabling him to continue on his current path?
I agree, I will stay at my parents. I am at a point where I have to CARE FOR MYSELF. I have to make the best of my life in peace and save my way to my own place. Even if it takes a year w/o my DH.
If my DH and I grow distant then so be it. What can I do? I feel I've tried everything to find a solution for our problems. But it's not about changing my DH only to resolve the issue, it would take changing the entire dynamics of the family.
God knows that WILL NEVER HAPPEN. My DH sister runs things in that house. And now that she has nestled in, they are very happy I'm gone and she's in.
I bet now my DH's parent's plan is to get my DH out and get my SIL and her hubby to move in. How convenient!
They can have there condo and their home I don't want anything of theirs.
Okay well now here's where things stand...
I freaked on my DH today b/c I was trying to convince him that his family is trying to get us out. He got mad back b/c he thinks I should be grateful for everything his family has done for us and be happy and kind towards them.
So now things have gone from bad to worst. My DH has sided with his family and I have officially become the person on the other side of the fence alone.
I guess I did it to myself. He expected me to be at my parents repenting about how bitchy I am and that I shoudl feel sorry for my actions.
Now my MIL is not really talking to me and neither are teh rest of teh family. They didn't say they are not talking to me. They just don't call or respond to my emails.
What should I do? How would you approach this?
How did you do it to yourself? Because your DH has other expectations of you and you aren't reacting in the way HE thinks you should react?!? That to me would be HIS problem, not yours.
It doesn't sound like you are missing much by his family not responding to your e-mails, etc. It would be nice if they were civil, but I guess that isn't the way that they want it.
Are you and DH willing to go to marriage counseling? If DH isn't willing to go and you are, you should look into counseling for yourself. If he is always going to side with his family, I don't see how things are going to work out. Does your DH doesn't realize that by him siding with his family that he is putting more and more of a wedge in the marriage? Does he even care?
I felt sad for your situation. I am stunned that your DH just let you move out, without him, back to your parents. What kind of husband does that? Did he seem sad you left? What was his reaction? I think you made the right decision. Stay with your parents. I would ask your DH if he would consider counseling, which might help the communication from taking a personal stance. If you have a mediator helping to communicate each other's feelings it might help. Other than that, if he won't go, I am sorry to say that it doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you. It sound's like he wants to be married to his family. You can't make him stand up for you and your marriage. Sad, but true. I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are a strong woman to face up to the situation and start taking care of yourself! GOOD FOR YOU! If you don't think of YOU no one else will.
GL
Liz