Am I wrong or are they right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Am I wrong or are they right?
3
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 9:27am
I met my boyfriend in Egypt while studying. He is Puerto Rican and my family is from Mexico. We've been together since March and are engaged. I met his family in August and the visit went well. They told me that I didn't ask them enough questions and that it seemed that I didn't care about them, but overall they liked me. I just came back from seeing my fiance and his fam. IT went well until the last few days. His mom yelled at me and said if i had something to say i should say it to her face, she then left and slammed all the doors behind her. I wasn't talking about her or anything. Anyways, my fiance stood up for me and she apologized the next day. However, she went and told him how I'm messy, i don't try hard enough to win them over, I don't speak or try to speak Spanish to them (I don't speak Spanish), etc. She kept complaining about how much of a slob I am and how if we get married our house will be a mess. She also complained about me putting my feet up in the movie theatre, 'cause ladies don't do that! she also said that i licked my fingers too much when i ate my nachos in the movie theaters. she said that i have to learn to be a lady, which is why she told my fiance! she said it's his job to guide me like her husband did. i feel like i try so hard to talk to them, but all i hear is how she complains about me not speaking spanish. i know my fiance is her only child, but still he is grown! i don't know if i'm overreacting or what. i feel hurt and i'm not sure exactly how to react. i tried so hard to ask them questions about what they do etc. See in my family we don't ask adults questions, especially personal stuff. But they are the exact opposite. I don't even know what my brother does cause we just don't ask a lot of personal questions. I know it sounds weird, but I'm trying to ask them more questions, etc.
What should I do? Sorry for such a long post...but i have no one else to ask.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 10:31am

Welcome to the board, there are some wise women here, and I'm sure you'll get some better advice than what I'm going to offer, but here's my reaction to your description of your future in-laws.

First off, is your fiance happy with you just the way you are and does he think his mother is out of line with her "improvement tips"? If he agrees with her *at all*, then I think you should re-think marrying into this family. 'cause these things *never* get better after the wedding unless they are "fixed" before the wedding.

Where do you plan to live after the wedding? If it's in a different country and visits will be limited (like you guys only go there, even after any children are born) then it can be less of an issue, if he is accepting of you as you are.

If he thinks she's out of line, he can remind her that you are marrying *him* and not her, so she needs to back off. He can certainly acknowledge that she thinks she's looking out for his best interests by "educating" you, but let her know that *he* needs it to stop. He can let her know that *he* loves you *just the way you are* and not as some "fix-it-up project", and that she needs to accept you and get to know and appreciate you *as you are* or do without his company, since he'll be with his life partner.

Of course the two of you would grow and mature together, but that's side by side, not him "growing" you.

It's too bad that she is so provincial that she cannot see the differences in cultures and appreciate those differences instead of expecting that "as she goes, so goes the world and all the people in it!"

Good luck to you, and best wishes as you decide your future plans.

lve2read

So, why were the two of you in Egypt in the first place? And how did you meet?

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 7:51pm
I think that you FDH needs to put a stop to this. He obviously loves you the way you are or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him, unless he shares his mother's ideals. You should talk to him about this. Ask him flat out if he agrees with him Mom. You need to know now if he is going to try to change you after you marry. No one should be forced to change for anyone. If he does, personally, I wouldn't marry him. I also think that you should let his mother know that you don't feel comfortable asking people a bunch of personal questions, because you were not raised that way. Maybe then she will understand. If you don't want to ask questions then don't. Oh and you are not there to win them over.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Baby Slings at Nurtured Family

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:10am

Mex,


Sounds like a culture clash to me. Do some "homework" about Hispanic "family values." Perhaps your future MIL expects to be "consulted" or has an expectation that she will somehow "help" you be a "good wife." Think carefully about how closely you live next to them or you might find her standing in your kitchen/bedroom/living room on a daily basis.


Good luck!