fed up with in-laws & dh allowing it all

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
fed up with in-laws & dh allowing it all
3
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:49am

This is my first post on this board, so I'll apologize now because it will probably be long. First I'll give you some info on my situation. I've been married for over 2 years to a man who has custody of his 3 kids for 11 years. I also came into the marriage with 4 of my own children. We have a newborn together. So, we have a total of 8 kids all together, and they all live with us. Their ages range from an infant up to 14 years old. I'm a stay-at-home mom, my husband works a lot of hours. I receive child support for my kids, but my husband doesn't receive any from his children's mother(never has).

My dh's ex decided recently to take him to court for custody of the kids. She's never played an active role in their lives, but now that they have a stepmother, she feels threatened in her role as a mom. I'm the primary caregiver for these kids, and I'm really stressed out about the situation. I love them very much. Only one of the kids want to live with her. The one who wants to live with her is the oldest, and my mil has babied him so much, and he's very immature, so because of his immaturity, he cannot make his own decision even though he is at the age to do it. He is in special ed classes. My mil helped dh raise the kids until we got married. She let this kid do whatever he wanted to do. He was (and sometimes still is) very disrespectful to everyone, including dh and mil. 2 years ago, the schools were saying that he needed to be in high school for 5 years, and regular ed classes were not an option for him. This year he started high school, and he will start being mainstreamed next semester.

I know this is an in-law board, and I'm getting there. My mil complains and puts me down to anyone and everyone who will listen-including my dh. I have improved all 3 of my stepkids, but get nothing but disrespect and put down and lied about. My stepson is improving so much because I don't baby him. I treat him the same as the others. The only one that gets babied is the baby. She can't stand that I don't baby him and that I hold him accountable for his actions. Everytime she gets on the phone with dh she talks crap about me. She tells him to go to the lawyers without me, to go to court without me, to not give me access to any money, and that if I ever leave here with the baby, his family will go off. Well, a lot of our fights are about the crap she does and says. She has made it known to everyone that she doesn't want us together. She tells my husband to leave me, but then has a problem with me leaving him. I don't want to leave my husband, and I'm not going to, but I don't want her in our lives anymore either. She's an alcoholic who gets drunk and runs her mouth. I'm sick of it. She tells my stepkids that I don't love them---which is a total lie. I can't deal with her.

Another issue is my sil. She has 3 kids, ages 13, 6,and 5. The problem with her is that she wants to go out every weekend, which means she needs a babysitter. I have 8 kids here everyday. I do not want to have to deal with any more kids than I already have. The baby is on a schedule, and when there are more kids here than usual, he doesn't sleep, and he gets very crabby. I told my husband that I was not going to watch them. Well, guess what? I had the 13 year old all weekend. She came on Friday, I told sil that she had to pick her up Saturday by 11am. She didn't show up. Saturday night she called and asked dh if she could stay again, dh said yes. So, she didn't go home til dh took her on Sunday afternoon. I flat out refused to watch the other 2 kids (had to tell sil "no" because dh wouldn't) and I can't handle them. They're wild and destructive.

I'm totally stressed out. With the new baby, we just moved into a new house, we have a stressed out marriage because of in-laws who talk crap, dump their kids on me (not on dh, because he's working), the custody case, the kids' school activities, now the stepkids have to go to counseling (which I take them to), court dates and everything is so chaotic, I can't handle any more.

What can I do to make my husband understand that I need him to tell sil "no, my wife cannot watch your kids." How can I get him to tell his mother to stop talking crap about me, or stop calling? He tries to change the subject with her, but she always goes back to the same thing, and he thinks that since he tried, that's good enough.

I love my husband and I love his kids, and my kids love him and his kids, but I can't live like this much longer. I have tried explaining that I cannot take on anymore responsibility than I already have. I get really upset when his mom talks crap and he doesn't just say "stop". The last conversation went on for 30 minutes, with her saying things about me and him trying to change the subject the entire time. Enough is enough.

PLEASE give me some good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:06am

My advice probably isn't the best advice you will get. But I feel that if it is that bad that you don't know if your marriage will last, maybe you both need a time out. He might realise you are serious then. The only thing I can think of here is maybe he doesn't realise how serious the problem is and needs to be shown that. Or can there be a weekend away together with kids of course but to be focused on you guys? Maybe some time out from inlaws? Just throwing some ideas around.

Is he around when inlaws are misbehaving??? In my case I have been polite and nice and now am going to get firm and loud if I have to get my point accross. Maybe that might help you to eg;

I am not going to watch your children, I have enough of my own to look after. {said firmly in front of your partner as well, perhaps not quite those words lol}

don't let yourself get pushed around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 8:20am

Your problem is your husband. He needs to learn how to say no (repeatedly if needed) and mean it. To me it sounds like many of these issues could be used against your husband in the custody case: MIL is a bad-mouthing alcoholic, SIL's badly behaved kids around the house, and MIL telling your step-kids that you don't love them is borderline abusive. Have you brought these things up in front of the lawyer? Maybe if the lawyer has something to say about it, then your husband will listen and have some incentive to follow through.

The fact that your step-son is improving says a lot about the caring you've given him and all the kids. Your record will say a lot about you to any judge if it comes to that. But your husbands leaves a lot to be desired. Good luck with all of this. ((hugs))

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:11pm
I completely agree with you about my husband being responsible for a lot of this. He hates confrontation, however, he doesn't seem to mind it with me. It is very sad that I don't know how long or if this marriage will last. I love him and the kids very much and it would really hurt all of us for this marriage not to make it. I also agree that my mil emotionally and mentally abuses the kids by saying hurtful things to them. The kids' bio mom does the same thing. But, my husband keeps saying that he can't stop them from doing it. In my opinion, he doesn't try hard enough. I understand that this is his mother, but that doesn't give her the ok to treat me like crap. I've done nothing but improve these kids. If I was abusing them, it would be a different story, but that is not at all the case. The kids show more respect for me than anyone else in their lives. I've never had to physically hit them, but I have grounded them. They know what I expect from them, and they do it. Now, he wants to let stepson go to sil's for the weekend. Keep in mind that she's never home. She lets her kids stay home with her 14 year old nephew. So, now stepson thinks he's going to spend Friday and Saturday night at sil's house. I don't think he should be there, especially with no adult. But, dh doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with it, or the way his sister has totally lost her sense of responsibility to her kids. How do I get him to see things from my point of view? How do I get him to stand up to his mother? How do I get him to tell sil "no, my wife has her hands full, she cannot watch your kids"? She always goes to him to ask, instead of coming to me, because everyone knows he won't say no. But, in the end, he's not the one doing it, I am. How can I get this through to him without it being a big fight between the two of us? Every time this happens, we fight all weekend. I told him that if he volunteers me again that I will leave for the weekend. I hope it doesn't actually take that.