his parents, my parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
his parents, my parents
1
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:58pm

I need some ideas/advice here. DH and I have been married for six months and have a two-month-old son. I adore DH, and he is a wonderful man in most respects--very kind, sensitive, loving, responsible. But there is one issue that he is an absolute jerk about: our relationships with our parents. Both of our sets of parents live in the same area we do, so we met them while dating and right up until the wedding we both loved each other's families. But since then, DH has started to dislike my mom, and it is causing major problems. He constantly has the feeling that she is "all up on us," crowding us, because she and I talk on the phone a couple of times a week and because every few weeks she asks us to dinner with her and my dad, where they try to show interest in our lives and share about theirs and just generally be supportive of anything we're doing. His parents have been, up until now*, very hands-off with us; DH doesn't talk to them about his life, just comes and goes as he pleases, always on his terms, and rejects his parents trying to make contact on their terms. So, since we were seeing my parents about every other weekend as a family (I have coffee with them once a week on my own), we decided that in the "off" weeks we'd hang out with his parents. Now there were a few things that bothered me about his family, mostly about how they treat children--denigrating them, not paying attention to them or giving them age-appropriate discipline, talking about how "bad" or "bratty" they are and how babies that cry are "awful." DH and I discussed these things both at his instigation and mine, and I considered that they had been addressed and didn't let them affect my relationship with his folks. But for the last few months as he's been complaining about my parents, he's compared them repeatedly and unfavorably to his parents--and not only does this bother me for obvious reasons, it also has made me really resent and dislike his parents. To make things more complicated,

*now that our son has been born and is getting big enough to go out, my in-laws have started complaining that they're only seeing him every other week, and it's REALLY getting on my nerves. Why should they get to spend more time with us than my parents do? How is it okay for them to complain in a very passive-aggressive way about not seeing our son when my parents can't even invite us to do something, or offer to do something nice for us, because it's "crowding" him?

DH says he wants to work on this, but nothing I suggest or want to do as "work" is acceptable to him--it's all "too much work." I have had it up to my eyeballs with this--I'm about to suggest that we just each spend T'giving with our own families and meet up in the evening at home, because I don't want to deal with either his attitude about my family, or having to be happy and civil with his parents when I know he wouldn't do the same with mine. What on earth should I do? About Thanksgiving, but also about things in general? I'm sick of this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:55pm

You and your husband have a child together. That IS the family. Your parents, his parents, they're all outsiders. Extended family. I don't understand though about Thanksgiving. If you all live in the same area go to your parents and his. Or don't go to either and stay home with your family (dh, ds and you).

It sounds like your husband is upset that you are so dependent on your parents instead of him. He thought he was signing on for an adult wife and you're sounding like you haven't totally complied with the "leave your parents and cleave to your spouse" part that as a married woman you should have. There's nothing wrong with being close to your parents, but can you try to objectively see things from his point of view?

You and your husband should sit and map out a game plan, because this problem is going to come around every holiday. Talk openly and sweetly with him about the traditions the two of you want to instill in your family (again, YOUR family is now him and your son, not your mom and dad. Same with him) and the ones you don't. Talk candidly with both sets of parents and ask if there is some compromise to be made with the eating times of Thanksgiving, telling each of them if they're unwilling to bend so you can attend both that unfortunately then you'll attend neither.

Bottom line, your husband doesn't sound like he is being unreasonable. You don't give any mention hinting that this might be preabusive signs on his part. It's then not a control issue but his expression of feelings. As his wife you are obligated to your vows to choose him over your parents since none of the five flaming red flags are mentioned.

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