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| Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:29pm |
Hi. I am in desperate need of some relationship advice. I don't have any in-laws....yet. And before I can ask my question, I think I have to give a little background. The guy I am with was my first love and we dated for a short time in high school; he broke it off because he was two years older than me. During the time I knew him, I grew very very close to his mom and she became one of my best friends. Then, for a couple of years afterwards he went off to college and I lost touch with him and his mother. We reconnected in college and have dated for the past two years, I am now 21 and he 23. Now, he is the youngest of 3 sons, his mother is a stay-at-home mom, and it's a preacher's family so they are very devout Baptists. I on the other hand have divorced parents who don't get along, I was barely raised in church, and because my mother raised me through most of my high school career single, I am a very independent person. Well, the problem is now, I like his mother, but I can't stand her sensitiveness and constant talking. His middle brother just left home in the spring, my boyfriend and the eldest brother left for college. so she has been going through major empty nest. Well she calls my boyfriend at least once a day, sometimes at inconveinent times and he doesn't do a thing, he sits on the phone with her for 45 minutes, an hour, or two and doesn't do anything. And when I say something about it he gets upset with me and says that she just really loves her children. She writes cards to them on their birthdays that are pages long, she thinks everything is so sweet and that they are just angels and believe me she has been quite fooled by them. I just get so irritated and you have to walk on egg shells around her because if you say one negative thing about her sons in front of her, oh hell, it's over she can't stand to have her sons criticized, right they're perfect angels. But really, lately I have just be mulling over this and it's even worse around that wonderful time of the month because I constantly think about it and I just don't know if she will ever let go, I mean she has already bought stuff for our wedding and we aren't even engaged. And I just constantly think about how young I am and if I can really deal with this the rest of my life. I could, but I don't want to and I can't keep bringing it up to the my boyfriend because he gets mad at me and says its my problem, that there's nothing wrong with his mother calling 20 times a day and writing letters to his former boss when he left his job(isn't that kinda unprofessional for your mother to write a letter?) and I just don't know, but I really need some advice. Is this going to get better? Can I learn to deal with it and how? I love my boyfriend very much and I would love to be his wife, but I don't know how to change my attitude. I don't understand why I made such a huge transition from loving her to being so sickened by her sensitivity and overemotion. I mean she cries at every little thing and everyone thinks she is just wonderful and I always feel like I'm in a competition although my boyfriend says I'm not. For instance, I baked him a cake and I heard her ask him, well is that your favorite and I used a color scheme on his birthday for all his presents which she knew and low and behold when we had to go home for his birthday party she had used the same color scheme too. Can someone please offer some advice for me? I really want this to work, but he never wants to leave the state and I'm starting to think maybe it is just me and I need help and I'm really tired of having to go in the bathroom and cry when he's on phone with her for 45 minutes when all he called her about was what type of chargers she wanted for christmas.

You may be the younger one in years, but he sounds like he's not ready to leave his mommy.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you may have to throw him back to let him finish growing up.
Any guy who cannot tell his mommy he's gotta get off the phone when he's got a hot sweetie wanting to spend time with him is not ready to cut the apron strings. And marriage would only make it worse.
Think long and hard before agreeing to anything legal or long term with this one.
Good luck to you, I wish you the best - however this ends up.
lve2read
Why are you choosing to see her as the enemy? I am not really seeing anything that you justifiably should be upset over. She isn't being dangerous, devious, or evil. The two of you used to be friends. You've changed since then, and so has she. Her whole world has changed.
"For instance, I baked him a cake and I heard her ask him, well is that your favorite"
So what. Did it have frosting on it, maybe she didn't know if it was and wondered. And how did she ask? The question could be said with the tone of "see how great your girlfriend is to make you your favorite cake, don't you let her go again!!" to it. Why do you take it as criticism?
"and I used a color scheme on his birthday for all his presents which she knew and low and behold when we had to go home for his birthday party she had used the same color scheme too."
Again, why do you think this is criticism? I see a nice gesture on her part not wanting to "steal" the thunder from you choosing the color scheme you came up with and told her about. She wanted the party to blend with what you'd already done to not step on toes. Had she gone with something completely different, or clashing, you'd probably be upset saying how you TOLD her what you were doing and she deliberately went and used other colors that didn't compliment what you had planned and ruined the look you were going for, right? It sounds like she was trying to work with you.
I do think you should sit with yourself and really contimplate if this is the type of guy you want as your man. You're annoyed at him and his relationship with his mother. It's up to him to set the boundaries with her, and anything you say and do can and will be used against you. She will always be his mother. He'll resent you after a while if you keep nagging at him about it, yet keep staying around while it's continuing on. You'll resent him after a while too.
I don't think people like that let go for a long time. My partner is 23 and his mother still has empty nest.
I now have caller id on my phone. It is at a manageable pace at the moment.
I do think it is nice that she welcomes you in to the family by buying wedding stuff already, even if it is way premature. Better that than hating you and trying to push you away so she can have him to herself.
I can see both sides of the first two replies that you got. I do feel however that a little distance could be good for the relationship. Maybe she could call every second or third night instead of every freakin night.
If my fmil did that I honestly don't think I could be with such a mummies boy.
What is it going to be like if you get married? Will she hold on even tighter, scared to let go?