Sister-in-law....
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| Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:40am |
Hi everyone,
I am having a problem with my sister-in-law. It seems like everything my DH and I do, she either has a negative comment for or tries to 'one up us'. DH and I do what is best for US but i feel like she takes everything WE do personally. If we get something or go somewhere, she seems to have a problem, no matter what it is. And her faking being happy for us is getting old. It gets petty and I cant stand it. It could be as simple as me saying that I got something on sale at the grocery store....and she will interrupt me with how she would never buy that and she got something else thats better...blah, blah, blah.. WHO CARES!!!! Ive never been a competitive person, so I dont understand what her problem is. I could go on for hours about the things she has done to me. She's manipulative. She's very hurtful. She needs everything to be about her. So i guess my question is...do I approach her and bring up all the things from the past that she has done OR do I just leave it alone? Am I supposed to just accept it? Why is there a need for competition? I feel like I cant just live my life with DH without this crap. What happened to family being happy for each other? Its very frustrating.
Thanks!!
Barb

Hi barb_113, welcome to the board!
I agree that there is no need for the competitive stuff. However, some people are very competitive for whatever reason. Maybe she is always trying to one up you because she's very insecure about herself and the only way she can feel good about herself is to make herself seem better than someone else. It isn't about you -- it is about HER.
That could be very annoying. One favor you can do for yourself is: don't spend time with her unless you are ready. See her only as much as you must, and only when you are feeling well rested, happy and relaxed. If you see an annoying person only infrequently, it is easier to just smile and be polite, no matter what irritating thing they are saying.
You can also find small, polite ways to interact with your SIL, practice them and then stick to your script. When she criticizes your choice of margerine, you have several responses to choose from that will not increase her need to compete. You can say that you are glad that she has found the very best margerine for her needs. You can change the subject. You can just smile and let her go on. And on. Then excuse yourself to the bathroom, and when you come out, go into a different room and sit with some other family members.
As an exercise in growing your own soul, increasing your own maturity... give her as much politeness as you can afford. And then, give yourself a break. You ARE only human. Good luck.
Wow, your SIL sounds like a carbon copy of my MIL. She's exactly the same.
I've learned in the past 14 years of marriage that my MIL is an extremely insecure, unhappy woman. She has very little self-esteem, and hides it by being rivalrous and competitive with DH and I, in the same manner as your SIL.
You just have to look at her as someone to pity because she is incapable of rising above her pettiness, self-loathing, and insecurities. I used to waste SO MUCH time being pissed at my MIL for her nastiness, but now I just laugh inside to myself when she behaves that way, or I feel sorry for her that she is that miserable.
Most of all, I have to say that I've come to realize that the causes of my MIL's behavior is NOT ABOUT ME, IT'S ABOUT HER and her issues. Once I really grasped onto that reality, I rarely, if ever, get angry at anything she says or does anymore because I just think to myself, "poor thing...she's so whacked". LOL. It's not a nice thing to think, but it keeps me from wasting my energy on getting angry with her, kwim?
Good luck Barb. I have felt your pain, believe me!