Hurtful Future MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Hurtful Future MIL
4
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:04pm

This is a great big VENT! ARRGHH!

I am getting married in September to a wonderful man - we have been together for 6 and a half years! However, I face a serious problem with his mother. I get the feeling that she does not like me (or my family). She has actually SNUBBED my mother in public, and she cannot seem to carry on a conversation (or make eye-contact) with me.

My fiance and I have been engaged for about 6 months now, and I have yet to hear a "congratulations" or a "welcome to the family" from her. Also, she is oblivious to the wedding planning that is going on all around her. She ignores it - it's like she doesn't care that her son is getting married!

We have asked for her input with various wedding details, but she just does not want to get involved. My mother went to talk to her about compiling a guest list and getting an estimate on the number of hotel rooms to block off. Her response? She said that she "didn't care WHO he invited because it was his wedding." But...what about family members? They have a H-U-G-E family and we need their help in getting all the proper names and addresses!

I am hurt that she is acting like this. For one thing, weddings are family affairs. It's not just *his* wedding. Sure we're the bride and groom, but what fun would a wedding be if it weren't for all of the friends and family members getting together to celebrate? I get the impression that she is upset that we're getting married.

I am also hurt that she treats my family the way she does. It's one thing to be cold and quiet around me, but it is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT when she acts snobbish toward my family! It is very hurtful. It's come to the point where I cringe whenever I see or hear her. One of these days I SWEAR I am going to blow up at her!

My fiance feels really bad that his mom acts this way, but there is little he can do right now. We're both finishing up our last semester at the university, and he needs her assistance for tuition. She is the type of woman who, if he said something she didn't like, would refuse to help him. I think it's cruel, but that's the way she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:32pm

She sounds mean and cruel. Why would you want to include her in wedding plans? Does your fiance have an aunt who could help with the guest list? Have him contact her for the addresses and all that. So many MILs insist on meddling and demanding certain things of weddings, it's a blessing that your FMIL is not interested.

Getting married and being a university student is hard enough. Decide if this is really a battle you want to wage. Do you want to force her to participate in the planning? Since she's dismissive and rude to you and your family already, just don't include her. Tell her what decisions have been made, but don't open Pandora's Box to try and make her participate. She has the ability to make your planning a living hell. Just don't include her.

And, you can't change how she is going to treat people. It is demeaning, insulting, unwarranted, and wholly inappropriate, but it's completely a reflection on her, not on you or your family. Just accept that this is the way she is. You and DF should intervene if she is aggressively rude, but if she's just being dismissive, then just write it off. Short of medication or a lobotomy, she's probably never going to get up one day with the epiphany that she's a major b!tch. And, I doubt that your DF could make her change regardless of what he says to her.

Take her at face value - she's a jerk and she doesn't care about people. You can't change that. You shouldn't take it personally. It isn't about who you are. It's completely about who she is.

I would just suggest that you bypass her on the planning, that you get the input from another family member, and that you just accept that she is who she is. You don't have to like it. You are right to tell her off if she is aggressive or picks a fight. But, don't expect her to change to be the person you think she should be. It doesn't work that way.

Also, I've been married almost 10 years. My FIL has never said welcome to the family. When he heard we were engaged, he told DH, "You were my last hope." And yes, my FIL is married. That's what I mean - I can't change him so why would I get upset over it (believe me I used to).

Just let go of it. Focus on the positive part of being engaged and getting married. Let MIL be who she is. Don't let it surprise or upset you. You know she's not a nice person. You can't change that, no matter what you try to do.

M2E

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 5:39pm

Wow. So this fiance is selling you out, and his integrity, all for the price of the going rate of college tuition.

I wonder, it's been 6 years that you've been with him right? And she's always been this way right? Then why forfit your right to be upset at her treatment and your fiance putting a price on his character, by volunteering for and marrying into it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 10:22am
Maybe now is not the time for a wedding. If your future DH cannot stand up to his mother and get her to behave herself and cooperate and he is still dependent upon his family for tuition, maybe a wedding should not take place at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:51pm

Be the adult. Hubby and you need to talk to her face to face about compiling a family guest list for his side of the family. If she continues to act like a child, then hubby needs to compile his own list and secure the adresses himself.