Sis & Bro in Law Need Advice
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| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:46am |
Hi out there:
I was wondering if I could get a point of view on my in-laws. My husband's brother and his wife were in our wedding party as BM and Usher and their son was the ring bearer. Since our wedding took place in another town, they had to rent a car, pay for their own hotel room and rent two tuxedos and buy a BM dress, so it was quite expensive for all three of them. In fact, my husband picked up their son and drove him to the town where we got married so that they didn't have to find a babysitter (summertime) and most of all, this child stayed at my parents home, and my husband was nice enough to take him out bowling and to get his hair cut for the wedding.
Of course, me & my husband hosted the rehearsal dinner, gave BIL, SIL and nephew gifts to say thank you for sharing our day with us. There were two other men in our wedding party (BM and other usher), plus my girls (MOH and another BM). After the wedding was done and over with, we received beautiful and thankful gifts. Unfortunately, we didn't receive a wedding gift from BIL & SIL, but all our other WP members sent very nice gifts. In my point of view, I found that to be kind of tacky because me and my husband went out of our way to make sure they all had a good time. However, all of our other wedding party members were from out of town and had to pay for lodging expenses, but they knew about all of this for a year and a half, and they sent gifts.
My husband doesn't know much about weddings and traditions because he was the first in his family to have a big wedding. I told him about it; however, he just shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe they thought being part of our wedding party was their gift to us. I thought he was making excuses for the 2 of them because they just went on a cruise this past summer and went to the islands earlier this year, so if they could afford that and after everything my husband does for them, I think they disrespected my husband big-time. My MIL is on a fixed income, and had to pay for out of town expenses, but still gave us a gift.
So now, I'm in the midst of writing out my thank you cards. I don't know exactly what to write in theirs. My father told me that what they did was not very nice and on top of it all, my SIL was telling people at the wedding that she wants herself and my BIL to renew their wedding vows because she didn't have the "fairy tale" wedding like she was supposed to have (they went to city hall).
My BIL & SIL have so many problems in their marriage and the worst one yet is that my BIL had an affair and a child resulted from it. So, whenever I saw my SIL, she would go on about it and how she's struggling through it and how much she could have done this and that when it came to getting married. My dad said that she was probably jealous and envious that I was having a big wedding and such and felt cheated that she didn't have one. Then, my sister (BM) told me that BIL was flirting with her the whole time when SIL wasn't around.
I do not particularly care to be around BIL & SIL that much now. I find that both of them are a couple of insecure phonies and put on this act what they have, what clothes they wear, what their son has, etc., because I know it's all a crock anyway. I find my SIL is insecure about her looks because I've never seen anyone who takes her son to the park and has to be made up perfectly. In fact, SIL doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut and gossips about her immediate family and their drama, and then once had nerve to tell me that her and my husband's ex looked alike. I was told at a gathering for SIL's stepchild that me and the mother of the child looked alike too, but I would never say that to get back at her.
My question is, how do I keep my distance from BIL & SIL now? I have gotten to know their behaviors and it irritated me big-time and I feel as if when I'm around SIL, it's a competition and she doesn't know etiquette. When I come back from visiting, I'm miserable half of the time. I even told MIL that I don't think I'm going to have a close friendship with SIL because she's unhappy with her life and tries to drag me down with her. My BIL is a womanizer and one time, we were visiting and he brought out another woman to the bar with us and it wasn't his wife. The next day, SIL was bragging about what a good husband she has and what he buys her.
I don't discuss this much with my husband; however, he set boundaries with the 2 of them and they don't bother him at all. In fact, the only time he talks to SIL is when he visits; however, he leaves it at that. SIL doesn't dare to come up in my husband's face and talk about her problems and struggles in her marriage.
My question is: how can I handle this? The week of our wedding, a whole bunch of us were out at lunch and I said that if anyone has any drama going on in their lives and is not happy in their situation, to please leave it at the door, I don't need to hear drama anymore.
Now, me & hubby are supposed to be spending the holidays with them at their house, and it's something I am very much not looking forward to because I may lose my patience with SIL and go off on her.
I think I get upset with my SIL is because my older sister was the same way: superficial, a braggart, and downright miserable. Her ex-husband cheated on her numerous times and finally left her after only 3 years of marriage and 3 kids. I think after that horrific experience, my sister really got a big piece of humble pie and we are now the best of friends and very close.
If someone can give me their point of view, I'd really appreciate it. I don't even bother with my BIL because his attitude isn't going to change and I've set a boundary that he can't come out with us if his wife isn't present. As for my SIL, I'm fed up with her and her bullcrap.
Thank you!

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You say your husband sets boundaries with them and it works, so I suggest you do the same for your own piece of mind.
However, your comments that your SIL doesn't know etiquette are unfair as you don't seem to know them either. No one is EVER obligated to give you a gift. Not for your b-day, not for a holiday, and not even for your wedding.
>>>my SIL was telling people at the wedding that she wants herself and my BIL to renew their wedding vows because she didn't have the "fairy tale" wedding like she was supposed to have (they went to city hall).<<<
I fail to see what is so bad about that.
>>>My BIL is a womanizer and one time, we were visiting and he brought out another woman to the bar with us and it wasn't his wife. The next day, SIL was bragging about what a good husband she has and what he buys her.<<<
I see a lot to be pitied in your SIL's relationship with her husband. He's making a fool out of her. But you only look down on her and have no sympathy for her.
>>>I think after that horrific experience, my sister really got a big piece of humble pie and we are now the best of friends and very close.<<<
You might want to be more careful that you don't get served the same thing. In your description of your sister, you acknowledge that she was miserable and I think you can see the same is true of your SIL. But rather than prompting feelings of sympathy from you, it seems to get blame and condescension. I'm not saying you have to be friends with someone like that. If you find them to be frustrating and to be a bad influence on your attitudes, then avoid them. But your attitude toward them isn't one that I'm sympathetic to myself.
I am sorry, but you have a lot to learn about etiquette, and perhaps compassion and empathy for others.
This woman that you are whining about, and her husband paid out a lot of money for clothing, travel, etc, for YOUR wedding. They didn't have to do so. In fact, I hate to burst your bubble, but NO ONE is required to give you a wedding present. Do you know for a fact, what their financial situation is like? Perhaps they didn't have the money for a gift. You just don't know. It is none of your business what they spend their money on. You don't know if that cruise was put on credit, or what. I think it is sad that, instead of being grateful that they came to share and participate in YOUR wedding day, you act like they have committed a felony because you didn't get a wedding present. And what exactly is wrong with SIL commenting to people that she would like to get remarried? She obviously admires your wedding, or maybe is even a bit envious.
Sure, maybe SIL shouldn't air her dirty laundry, and she may be annoying, but for gosh sakes, her husband had an affair and produced a child from the affair. I think that would crush anyone's ego. She probably talks about how wonderful he is to save face. In fact, your husband should be OUTRAGED that his brother would treat SIL like he does. He, like you, should be supportive and kind toward her. And exactly, what is wrong with being made up to go to the park. Maybe she feels more secure and feels better when she looks better.
As to what you should write in the thank-you note, wouldn't it be obvious?
"Thank you SIL and BIL for sharing our wedding day and for being a part of our wedding party." Or something similar, perhaps?
Personally, I feel that your SIL is to be pitied. Isn't it sad that she feels she has to brag to keep her pride? She knows inside what a scum her husband is. It doesn't help when no one is supporting her. Your husband's family should be on her side 100% and should tell BIL what he is. Not kicking SIL when she is already down.
You might want to rethink some of your feelings about SIL. You never know what the future holds. You may just need someone's compassion and understanding some day. I hope, if you do, that you get it.
Thank you for mom2danjam and revolutions for your comments. Maybe I was being a bit selfish here and I was getting point of views from both my mother and father on this.
My husband in no way gets involved in what his brother does. My husband feels as if his brother is a grown man and is responsible for his own actions and BIL will have to live with what he did to his own wife. I think that my husband doesn't get too involved with whatever they both do and in fact, I think deep down inside, my husband is very disgusted with the way his brother treats his wife. A few years ago, my husband had to intervene in their marriage because my BIL went and hit my SIL, that was the only time he got involved because no woman out there deserves to be treated like that. After I heard that, I kept my full distance away from my BIL & SIL, because it was all a sham in the interim.
I think that I get so annoyed and unhappy that someone has to put on a show what a great marriage and husband she has to the public; however deep down, there are scars that are hidden inside. I just need an outlet to tell her that I no longer need to hear about her problems, because if I ever had problems with my husband, we worked it out together, or we talked to our only closest friends and parents about it; however, we don't need to air out our dirty laundry to anyone or have to prove to other people what kind of marriage we have.
She already has an immediate family, and they all told her to get rid of her husband; however, her own mother said he's such a good provider that she should stay with him. My MIL does sympathize with her when she has problems and such; however, my MIL says "but that's my son!".
One time, she called me and said how lucky I was to be marrying my husband and how we waited 4 years and until we were in our 30's to do so.
I feel that maybe you both are trying to tell me that I should have some close type of relationship with her in order to sympathize with her and such. However, she has no type of relationship with her other SIL and her family is there to help her pick up the pieces. I just don't find it's fair to vent and go on how unhappy you really are and then still stay in a marriage to save face and to make sure that their son won't see Mom & Dad separated.
All I'm just saying is that I don't want any part of this stuff and I want to tell her in a very polite way that I need to be kept out of it and I'm not the right person to be talking to about this. There are wonderful therapists/counsellors to talk to, but to keep me out of it or else I'll always be miserable after each visit.
I wrote out this post because I'm fed up and needed an outlet. Thank you both for responding.....and I'll write down exactly what you said to me in the "thank you" wedding card - I'll make it short but sweet.
I am glad that you don't seem to be offended by our posts.
But, I will say that I don't expect you to have a close relationship with SIL. But, really, if she starts in on her problems, you could listen for a moment and have some sympathy. "I am sorry you are going through that", would go a long way.
Your MIL is wrong when she says, "But he is my son." I have 3 sons. If one of mine treated his wife like dirt, I would be all over him like flies on dog poo. I would fully support my DIL.
I am with you on one thing; SIL needs to kick BIL's sorry, cheating, whoring butt to the curb.
No, I wasn't offended at all by any of your posts.
I have tried in the past "I'm sorry you are going thru that", but I then try to change the subject. One or two times is okay, but everytime, that's when boundaries should have been set right away. She never, ever bothers my husband about her problems but i think my husband has set clear boundaries with her too. She's still nice towards him and he's nice towards her.
As for my MIL, it must be an extremely difficult thing for her to know what her son did to his wife; however, I never asked my MIL her true feelings about it and it's not really my place to really say anything. I have a very good relationship with my MIL and I don't have to bend backwards in order for her to like me. She's seen how much I've grown as a person over the years and she doesn't get involved in my marriage either. I can talk openly and freely with her and she never puts me down either.
I think that SIL is a person who needs attention and sympathy 24/7 and wants people to feel sorry for her in order for herself to feel better. I just think that if you want to be in that type of marriage, you have to deal with what is going on around you. I guess she loved her husband too much to leave and I wonder if she's that naive to think this is the first time he's done that.
I just get a bit annoyed when people go on about their marriages, the trips they take, what their husbands buy them, how fine looking their husbands are, but deep down, they are very insecure and have a lot to hide and that's what frustrates me the most about my SIL. The last time I saw her, it was brief and I said hello and was polite, but that did it for me. I went and took a shower and excused myself.
Thank you once again and I wasn't offended at all! I think that I got frustrated on the wedding gift thing because here are people who seem to have it all, but I guess I don't know the whole story.
Thank you once again for your reply. I will have to keep telling her my boundaries and hopefully one day, she'll know where I'm coming from. I think I felt as if I was her dumping ground and at least I set boundaries the week before the wedding and told her (with other people around) that I don't need to hear other people's drama right now because this is a happy occasion and all of us could leave our baggage at the door and SIL didn't say much to me all weekend long; however, I know for sure if it were a one-on-one situation, for sure she would have started her "drama" once again, but I'm glad that there were too many other people around so that I was able to keep busy.
I think it's best for me to let it all go and focus on my marriage and happiness. Yes, I do sympathize with her, but I have my own life to live and what good would it do for me if I sit here day after day letting her bother me, but soon enough, she'll get the idea where I'm coming from and then maybe she'll find another person as her dumping ground.
My BIL has never gotten out of line with me, because I won't allow it. I don't have many conversations with him at all and they're usually superficial anyway, but I will never be close to someone like him, especially if he was flirting with my own sister at my wedding, that tells me right away that he has no respect for my SIL.
I don't talk about it much with my husband and sometimes, I know it must bother him so; however, if he moves on with his life, maybe he's teaching me that I can do the same thing. In fact, he is cordial and polite with my sisters; however, he doesn't bring his challenges to their doorsteps and my sisters both know they can't do the same thing. They know how to mind their own business.
Thanks again for the replies!
Hi Alias2005, welcome!
I agree with Mom2danjam about the wedding gift. Maybe after spending all that $$ on a tux, BM dress, etc. they didn't have $$ for a gift. They were a big part of your wedding day and to me, that would be worth more than any monetary or material gift could ever bring or give.
As for the cruise they went on, I agree that it could have been paid for with a credit card or maybe they set the $$ aside especially for that. Who knows they could have borrowed some of the $$ from a friend or her parents. Just because they look like they have everything, doesn't mean that they do. They could be in way over their heads in debt just to look like that they have everything. You can't always judge a book by its cover.
As for BIL and his marital indiscretions, that is something that needs to be worked out between the two of them. I agree that you should not be going out anywhere with BIL unless he is with his wife. As far as the boundaries go, I think you should follow your DH's lead and set the same boundaries he has set. They have seemed to work for him.
Hi there:
I do thank you for your reply and maybe I was being petty regarding the wedding gift. My MIL was on a very limited income and had to pay out of town expenses; however, still sent a beautiful gift. Well, I decided to let go of it all and move on, it won't solve anything for me, I just thought it was proper etiquette and my parents thought it was kind of tacky for me & my DH to be treated that way.
The reason why I got sort of p.o.'ed is that BIL & SIL put on this act in front of other people with their clothing, home, trips they go on etc., but behind closed doors, it's all a facade because they have a lot of challenges in their marriage. I was also getting mostly p.o.'ed at my SIL because she's fully aware of it all; however, has to still put on an act in front of others to save face, isn't that called insecurity? I was also getting tired and annoyed of feeling like I have to sit there and listen to her "drama" everytime I'm in her presence which isn't fair to me at all. My husband knows my true feelings and he told me to maybe do the same thing as himself: set full boundaries.
I think distance is the key to all of this. I'll be cordial and polite, but that's how far it will go for me. I don't want to feel like I'm picking sides and that I'm in the middle of things and maybe both BIL and SIL can learn not to put me in situations like that. My MIL told me that it's good to listen; however, I should not let other people's "drama" bother me; however, I've put up with a lot of friends and relatives drama over the years and it caused me unhappiness and I stood up to these people and told them that their problems are toxic and I can no longer listen to their problems either. Why do people put on this facade in their marriage and try to paint this perfect picture, knowing full well that their marriage is a sham. If I were SIL and my husband was making a total fool out of me, I'd think twice about saying anything.
The boundary I set with my BIL has worked for me, because I don't tolerate that type of behavior (i.e., his womanizing). My husband doesn't tolerate that type of behavior either and we rarely hang out with him anymore. My husband knows how much it bothers me and how much I don't like it. However, what if my BIL tells me that his wife allows him to go out and dance with other women and it's okay (I've seen him dance with other women - very close and seductively)? How do I handle that? I'm already fed up with the way he was flirting with my sister at our wedding right behind his wife's back.
Thank you for your reply!
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