In-laws and favoritism
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| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 10:20am |
My husband and I are parents to a four month old boy who is our absolute delight. My problem is with my in-laws who completely ignore him. Ever since my husbands younger brother marrried a doctor, my in-laws have gone out of their way to have a great relationship with her. After one year of marriage, my brother-in-law and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. At the time when I found out she was pregnant, I was extremely hurt because I had been married for over three years and my husband would not support my decision to start trying for a baby. My husband finally came to that decision only one week before I learned that my new sister-in-law was pregnant, a decision which I wonder was due to the fact that his brother's wife was pregnant and he knew I would be hurt.
Although I worried about appearing to get pregnant in response to her news, my husband insisted and we concieved quickly. Our son was born three months to the day after his cousin was born. Although they appeared happy about our son's birth, my in-laws have never been involved in his life. Even while I was in hospital, and during my ceaearean surgery, when they visited they talked constantly about the other grandchild. She is their obvious favorite. Every milestone of hers is celebrated, but they ignore my son completely. His little personality is lost on them. I find myself forcing my stories of him on them for them to recognise what a sweet baby he is, but it makes no difference, and I know that that is wrong for me to do. One aunt-in-law even came from overseas just to meet her new grand-neice on a ticket which my husband paid for, however in-spite of the fact that my husband provided a second plane ticket for that same aunt-in-law, she has yet to return to even see her grand-nephew.
Their grand-daughter has fair skin, light eyes and blonde hair like them, my son has dark skin and hair like me, and I believe this, in addition to the fact that her mother is a doctor, weighs heavily in their indifference towards him.
My complex worry is that
1. How can I protect him from their attitudes. I don't want him to feel second-best. I want him to feel loved and happy and confident?
2. How can I stop hurting when they seem to enjoy such an easy comraderie with their new daughter-in-law and are cool and distant with me, although I have been a part of their family for almost five years?
3. How can I reach that peaceful place where I won't share this with my husband and put him in an uncomfortable position, thereby causing many arguments?
4. How do I respond to this in a manner that promotes harmony in our home and our extended family?
5. Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to address this with his family?
I am pretty bitter about this and I don't want to hurt anymore. Should I confront my mother-in-law or just tackle my own feelings on the subject and focus on raising our new baby up to be a strong, happy, confident boy and man?
Hurt and confused,
tallislandgirl

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Personally, I would confront them ONCE. With DH. If things don't improve, I would stay away and so would my child.
If your husband doesn't care that his own son is being ignored, then he should be ashamed. It is one thing to not like your child's spouse (but you still be nice), it is another to totally ignore the babies.
My IL's play favorites to the grandchildren of the one divorced son. He has a son 12 weeks older than our oldest son. His son of course being perfect! With only one problem, now that they are in middle school together, the school list the honor roll in the paper. The first six weeks our son was awarded the "CATS" reward(Character, Attitude, Team Spirit, Success). This award is only given to 3 of 350 students each six weeks. Then in the paper our son was listed on the "A" honor roll and in the top 10% of his class.
For the past twelve years I have bit my tongue and walked away. In the back of my mind I have always thought "The day will come", well it has they were not to thrilled to see our sons name all over the paper for his high achievements. Our son sees and knows everything (obviously he's smart enough to figure things out) has for the past three years, he is polite but aloof to his Grandparents(their loss).
A friend even told me that in church a couple were congratulated them on our sons success, MIL's response was to change the subject to her favorite GS. That says a lot about her to her acquaintances at church.
People see, they know. You have to be the stronger party in the end you and your son will come out ahead. I teach my sons always stop and think before you speak, is this the way I want to be treated. Always treat others no matter how much you have to swallow, the way you would want to be treated.
Last year at MIL's for Christmas, everyone had presents to open except for my sons and myself. The response, "Your kids have to much already". This year my husband and I are sneaking presents in under the tree for our sons, the things we will do to protect our babies, no matter how old they get.
I have been the least favorite DIL for 21 years, and at this point I think my IL's like their gay sons partner better than me. But thats fine, that means they will leave me alone so I can raise my sons, my way!!
The worst harm is done to the relationship of the cousins. It could be a bond as close as sibblings, if they were treated equal. MS can't stand to be around his cousin.
What I cannot believe is that you would sneak gifts in under the tree, instead of standing up to MIL and not going around her anymore. Did your husband say anything when EVERYONE, except you and your children had gifts to open? Did MIL get a gift from you guys after pulling that stunt?
My head just exploded. Your kids would be better off if you just didn't make them go around people who obviously don't love them and go out of their way to treat them like dirt.
I've been dealing with this for years now. Anytime we tried to get MIL to see what she was doing, she would blame it on me. I'm such a horrible person. So evidently my girls are not as worthy of her attention. Which I really don't get, because MFG's(most favored granddaughter) mother is really insane and always causing problems for BIL.(They are not together anymore.)
Anyway, I finally decided to let it go and find other people that treasured my children as much as I do. I have a network of friends now, that love my kids. And are there for them if needed. My friends even came to DD's highschool graduation when MIL decided at the last minute it was too far to drive.
As for MIL, when she called this summer for my girls token yearly visit, they didn't even call her back to set up a time to go. They had better things to do. All these years I tried to tell her that would happen, but she wouldn't listen. Her loss.
Terri
Wife to Dave 22 years
Mom to Tara-19
Cassi-17
Angela-4
James-9 months
I agree. That would be the last Holiday we spent with them. What creeps.
Terri
Wife to Dave 22 years
Mom to Tara-19
Cassi-17
Angela-4
James-10 months
Hi, I decided to de-lurk because I have dealt with this issue. Both my Mom and my MIL are dissapointing examples of grandmas. They are both absent from my kids lives. It is hurtful. I talk to my mom weekly, and she rarely asks about the kids. I don't volunteer any info and she seems fine with this. OUr conversations are about her and her other grandkids.
My mil only calls if she needs money or someone has died. I have tried to forge a friendship with herover the years. She didn't exactly approve of me, but could't find fault with me either. I was the first dil. Now there are 4 dils. She recently told my DH I am her favorite(after 25 years!). Considering how my sil's treat her and how they act (horribly) I don't know if that was a compliment.
Regarding your questions:
1. How can I protect him from their attitudes. I don't want him to feel second-best. I want him to feel loved and happy and confident?
* He will feel loved, by this parents. You set the example you are his model. My kids don't feel second best, they accept the GM for what they are. Kids are really smart.
2. How can I stop hurting when they seem to enjoy such an easy comraderie with their new daughter-in-law and are cool and distant with me, although I have been a part of their family for almost five years?
* Well my mom has known me all my life (lol) and my mil has known me for 25 years and my new sil is the one my mil takes shopping, goes out to eat, etc. She (sil) does seem to have more in common with mil, they both smoke and play bingo. I am different, they used to think I thought I was too good for them. This was totally untrue. I am just different, I have different values. Time has eased thier mind regarding my uppidyness.(sp) As for my mom she favors my sisters kids. My kids only see her on holidays and birthdays, maybe an occasional sunday visit from her. My oldest kind of resents her but he loves his cousins. He told me once Grandma doesn't know me. That is her lose. I think she will relate to him better as an adult. Maybe they will have a relationship then.
3. How can I reach that peaceful place where I won't share this with my husband and put him in an uncomfortable position, thereby causing many arguments?
* I lost it with my DH once regarding mil. Things had been building to a head. We didn't really argue because he saw how his mom acted. He talked to her told her how he and I felt. Told her he didn't like that she ignored ds (he was 18 m). She made somewhat of an effort, but it didn't last. Now she usually forgets his name when she talks about him. I have learned to accept this as the best she is capable of. I learned you can't force someone to love yur child. I learned you can't chage other people behavior.
I am thankful she is not overly involved in our lives. We have our own traditions and our own family holiday meals. No rushing to either grandma's house. If they want to see the kids they come to my house.
4. How do I respond to this in a manner that promotes harmony in our home and our extended family?
It used to bother me the most during the holidays. Now we do our own entertaining, if the family wants to see us they come to our house. We don't usually go visit them. This works for us. I don't want you to think we are hostile to the family, we aren't. It just when the kids were little we realized how difficult it was to drive a 30 miles, visit all day, drive home with exhausted kids. Its not fun! This gave us an out. We shamelessly used the kids as an excuse not to visit.
5. Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to address this with his family?
No, it is not wrong. don't know if it will do any good. You can't change other behavior only how you react to it. It took me along time to figure this out!
I think I would just focus on my baby, husband and home. Don't let them take up space in your mind and heart, they are not worth the emotion. I hope this helps.
PS please forgive the spelling and grammar. I am high on cold meds, having been sick all week. LOL :)
Oh yea, MIL always gets a real nice gift. DH doesn't want to be the one to cause waves in the family. And if you say anything then a couple days later MIL's depression sets in and it is all your fault. Yes, I know thats manipulative. But I don't have to spend time, with them for anything else unless we miss Christmas.
smiling2
Put your foot down. Since you and your children don't receive gifts, while EVERYONE else does, you should put a stop to it. Does DH get a gift? I imagine so, being the good little boy.
So what if she gets depressed? Perhaps if she were called on the carpet a few times, her antics would stop.
You don't "HAVE" to spend ANY time with them, no matter what your husband says. You are an adult and the mother of the children. You are to protect your kids, not give in to a selfish person like your husband and MIL. Yes, your husband is selfish and really, the worst of all, IMO. He would sacrifice the happiness of his wife and children and allow them to be treated so badly, in such a blatant way too. I am just sitting here with my mouth open in shock.
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