FIL's a Narcissistic

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
FIL's a Narcissistic
4
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 5:11pm

Hi folks.

My FIL's a disfunctional narcissist who has dominated DH for much of his life and who's odd behaviour is constantly leaking into mine! We've been married for almost 2 yrs.

DH's mom died when he was 4 and he was raised by his dad who didn't remarry (not because he was mourning but b/c he thought his GFs weren't good enough - he's a serial dater who becomes single after women see his true colours). His dad had a temper, used to beat DH when he was cranky and demanded constant adoration. DH wasn't allowed allowed to have friends in the house and as DH got older was asked to cater to his dad including caring for him like a patient.

At first, I thought FIL was a benign force... pleasant, pleasant... but when DH first told him that we were going to move intogether, FIL discouraged him b/c he said DH had "everything you need, an apartment, money, you don't need to move in"... DH moved in but didn't tell him when he was proposing b/c he knew it wouldn't be well received. When he told him, the response was 'oh, I guess we'll have a wedding?'

Shortly thereafter, he called saying he was having chest pains and asking DH to come and care for him. DH said that he should go to the hospital if he thought he was ill (DH is an MD) and that if he was still uncomfortable that we'd come by. FIL said 'With HER?' and when DH called back, FIL said he was going to the gym.

Then, FIL proceeded to try to dominate the wedding with his agenda and never once congradulated us. He also expected me to pay for his guests and his part of the wedding.

Leading up to the wedding... he started giving DH articles about divorce and telling DH to get a pre-nup which was funny b/c DH had $90k in debt while I have significant assets from my earnings AND an inheritance.

Now, FIL demands weekly 'viewings' as we call them, which DH obliges b/c he's used to serving him... insists that DH tend to him even though he's fine and has all this weird behaviour that leads every GF to dump him after a few months b/c he's such a bastard.

I'm just so tired of this weird and challenging man invading our lives all the time. He makes me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:53pm

I think you should get your husband a book called BAD CHILDHOOD GOOD LIFE. Sounds like he could bennefit from it greatly.

Good luck, having married into the lunacy ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:13pm

Sounds like your DH needs to break away from his dad somehow. His dad needs to be responsible for himself.

Here is a link to a book called Children of the Self-Absorbed. It is a very good book.

http://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572242310/sr=8-1/qid=1163365826/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-9037504-6850403?ie=UTF8&s=books

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:02am

Thanks ladies.

So, I get home from a girls weekend, and DH tells me that his dad called and told him that we must make dinner for him and his new GF whom we've never really met.

DH told him that we'd do it in January (b/c they're going away and these liaisons usually end following his trips)... FIL said 'no, by December 1st' and DH said he didn't think so and that we could all meet for dinner somewhere if he wanted us to meet so badly... but his dad said 'no, you should make us dinner, ask your wife.' Which is funny b/c I work full time and this is my busiest season at work and I have no interest in making them dinner... that's the other thing... do you think DH (however much I love him) is the cook/host? No, I've got to do the whole thing, which I don't mind if it's our friends. But, I resent being ordered to do something so that he can show off.

My mom says I should just laugh these things off... but I've never heard of such behaviour!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 8:26pm
If it were me, I would tell DH *no* that I'm not making FIL and his gf dinner. Like you said, you can all go out to dinner. FIL insisting that you make him dinner is just plain out and out rude behavior. If you give into FIL, he will only expect you to give in for future demands that he makes.
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