Is it me, or what?
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| Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:26am |
Call me crazy, but I don't feel that it is normal and okay for a grown man to spend weekends with his parents for a sleep over and leave his wife at home in spite of her protests to not do so. He did tell me that I was welcome to come, but I didn't want to. I don't feel comfortable doing it, as I don't know them all that well. We're newly married less than six months.
Also, I don't want to feel like some kid having a sleepover, as I am 42 years old. I recognize that it might be a cultural thing or otherwise, but I have never heard of such a thing and it bugs the heck out of me.
He knows that I don't like it and this has happened before. I don't dislike his parents, but I think that they shouldn't encourage this kind of behavior. I'm concerned that this is going to blow up in my face if I persist in not going along with the program.
Not sure how to handle this.
Any advice??

Not sure what you mean by a sleepover???
The only time we slept at my in-laws was when they lived far away and we were visiting. That's perfectly acceptable (even when we hated it), but I'm guessing you mean something different...? Can you explain what you mean?
Hi and thanks for writing.
I think of a sleepover in the sense that when we were kids we would ask to invite a friend over to spend the night. It seems like that to me.
Now they don't live around the corner, but they're not that far away either. We were just there last weekend and then he left on Friday after work to go over there again. He came home this morning.
Also he announced to me that his mother asked that I call more often. The more someone tries to dictate to me what I need to do, the more I resist it. Why can't she just let things develop naturally for crying out loud?!
It's annoying as hell.
I guess I need to get with the program, grin and bear it like everyone else.
I was divorced for 12 years before remarrying and maybe it's just a matter of my getting used to this stuff again.
I also wonder if it might be a cultural thing. I'm from NY/NJ and he's from northern Michigan.
Culture shock?? Maybe...
Thanks for writing.
Hi Cheryl2810, welcome to the board!
It doesn't sound like a cultural thing to me, at least by what you have posted so far. Are his parents influencing him to stay over or is this something that he wants to do? Does he have reasons for not wanting to spend the weekend with you and your child?
Is there a reason why he still has this attachment to his parents?
Hello,
The attachment seems to be what bothers me. To put this into context, they have been doing this for some time apparently. I know that it has been said that you cannot change a person and not to expect things to be different after being married. It didn't phase me that much before because I wasn't out here dealing with it. His 30 year old brother still lives at home with the parents and the mother just babies him (laundry, cooking, etc.)
The younger brother is college educated, physically in good health and no kids. I don't understand why he stays, except that it's apparently a good deal.
What I'm picking up on and perhaps what I feel on a gut level is that there is indeed an unhealthy attachment. I see it more in the mother's behavior than the father's. When we're there she's attentive to the point where it's annoying. She's also used to getting her way. I have the type of personality where that kind of behavior is a major turn off to me. I don't like the clingy, needy, manipulative vibe that I get from her.
Geez...
I love my husband. I need to find either some way of rationalizing the behavior so that I'm not consumed by being ticked off about this OR work on finding a happy medium. I fear that it is a battle that I cannot win, as there are bound to be hurt feelings if I pursue changing things.
..and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I guess I'll get out my bunny slippers, my blankie and my jammies:-)
Sorry to be so sarcastic. Just venting.
Regards
I'm glad I ran into your post. This is the first time I have ever posted. The first time I ever felt I was reading about my marriage.
I love my husband dearly. We never yell at eachother, we never fought, the only thing that we've done negitive in our marriage for the last 8 years was hurt eachother over his parents. What I mean by hurt is that we can never agree on his parents unhealthy emotional attachment to him. He is the youngest of 3 boys. Both parents see him as the "golden child". I've tried to constantly justify his parents controlling actions and his reluctance to see it. But there comes a time when you just can't anymore. They invite themselves to our vacations, anniversaries or any type of social event. If we are in a 10 yard radius they have to spend every moment by our side. We recently moved from 20 minutes away to a plane ride away from them. That has not stopped them from coming first every other week to every other month. Now his mother says that they are going to sell thier house now that is father is retiring and buy a condo 5 minutes away from us. When we go over to visit we cannot stay with anyone but them. Becuase they are relatively well to do, they hide their manipulation of thier son behind thier "generosity".
Your husband sounds like mine, absolutly no boundries with his parents and in turn, they will have no boundries from you. They will insist on impinging on your time and your boundries. What I do envy you is that you are able to stay home while your husband goes. I don't have that choice. Not without hurting my husband. Only recently have I realized that I have to hurt him so that I wont get hurt myself.
Sorry I have no good advise for you. It was just nice to know that I am not the only other person in this type of situation.