providing care for frail in-laws
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providing care for frail in-laws
| Sun, 11-12-2006 - 11:08am |
Does anyone here provide routine care for frail in-laws with whom you have a difficult relationship?
My in-laws, with whom I have a polite but fraught relationship, are getting older, and I am beginning to worry about what my role will be when they begin to require help with daily things--managing healthcare, driving, hygiene, etc. My husband's career requires a lot of travel, so he won't be able to get involved on a daily basis, and I'm very much afraid that this burden will fall on me.
I'm interested in hearing stories about how others in that situation have managed it.

My MIL lived with us up until last Nov. She was almost 75 then. That's when I put my foot down - we moved to a new house (with a 4 month old) and she wanted to come, but I said no. Here's my story.
We all lived together for about 10 years, starting 15 months before I married DH. She had her own apartment area in the house with kitchenette, bathroom, etc. We had the main area of the house - oh it was roughly 2700 sq ft, so not tiny. Throughout this time, DH and I both worked full time. I took MIL to all her medical appts, including ongoing eye treatments. None of his 4 sibs who lived within 45 minutes ever bothered to do so. B/c of her eye probs, she didn't drive at night. I would take her to the supermarket, stores, bank, etc., pretty much wherever she needed to go. She also didn't drive in the snow at all, so that covers like Nov through April. Also b/c of vision probs, she didn't wash her dishes properly and would get sick (diarrhea) from it. I would scrub her bathroom to help get rid of the filth. She expected DH to perform all the work on her car, as well as buy the parts. We'd have to carry her laundry, groceries, packages, etc. for her. She'd leave them inside the door.
Was my MIL frail? No, not like you mean. But, she is a manipulative, selfish, jerk. And my DH's sibs are just as bad. They thought we were taking advantage of her financially, but in reality, with her pensions, she lives below the poverty level, but managed to stash $6,000 in her checking account by the time we sold the house. That's more cash than she had in her life. And, even though she was paying only $450 per month for everything (mortgage, gas, electric, cable, phone, water, garbage, etc.), she got 50% of the proceeds of the house when we were paying at least double what she paid.
When I was PG with our daughter, she thought this all should continue. After she was born, MIL thought she had a right to leave her door open and fill my house (and the nursery) with cigarette smoke. She also thought that I was terrible for not continuing to cater to HER needs. Like I didn't have someone a little more important to care for. And, DH's sibs were angry b/c they're becoming empty nesters now and didn't want to be saddled with caring for her when they never have in their life. So, I'm the queen bitch for throwing poor MIL out. With $40K in cash - more than she ever would have had without selling the house.
If you want to do this, you need to ask yourself what your own limits are. Do you work? How flexible is your schedule? Do your ILs live in a place with stairs b/c that will become an issue? Do you foresee them living with you? How will that work - will you cook, clean, and do their laundry? Would they be willing to pay someone to come in for the more hygiene/medical issues? Would they be willing to consider going to a senior care facility? What does your DH expect you to do? What would they do during the day? Who would care for them if you were sick? Do you have children to care for, too? What about a senior aide and someone to clean for them? What support do they really need?
My MIL went to assisted living, which is her own studio apt in a senior care facility. She has gone from sitting alone smoking all day in our house to having a senior center, playing cards, and actually getting out and interacting with people. It worked out much better for her than she ever thought. She's not living like a recluse, and there are people who check on her. In many of these places, spouses share apartments, but the type of place depends on the needs of the individuals.
Anyway, I would suggest that you contact your county's social services. We have an Office for the Aging here that coordinates resources for seniors. Set up an appointment with someone to talk about what support you would have (especially including respite care) in addition to the support they would have. I wouldn't suggest that you take on sole responsibility for them. You can take some, but see what you can set up to take off your shoulders. Even if you don't work, it's nearly impossible to run two households when you only live in one.
Hope this helps you.
M2E
imho - that is what a nursing home is for. or proper carers who know what to do.
Hi Boobcu, welcome to the board!
Here is a link to a caregivers' board on Ivillage that may be able to help you out with some of your questions and concerns.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhcaregivers
I have never been in the position of even having to think about taking care of an elderly parent or IL. So, I really don't have any advice to offer. I do wish you luck and hope you that you find something that works for everyone. Of course, you can come here to vent or give advice anytime!