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| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:06pm |
Okay I wrote on this board a couple of weeks ago and now I'm back. Let me give you a short version of my last post.
My FIL and SIL ruined my wedding by being rude and racist towards me and my family. My FIL got in my face at the tuxedo shop (while my groomsmen were picking up their tuxedos) and told me that if he had his way I would never be part of the family and so on. He did all this b/c me and DH were changing a couple of our wedding plans. At the wedding he got in my mom's face b/c their wasn't enough sitting for his family (when he was asked about his guest list he would tell us that he only had 5 people coming). My SIL started screaming and accusing me of stealing her camera in front of everyone at the church. She wouldnt participate in the bridesmaids activites and than when she wasnt involved she would cry to my DH that I wasn't involving her, she made my family get off the table they were sitting at so her family could sit down.
After the wedding they still kept up ... they would call my DH to tell him that they were his family and i wasn't ... My SIL would call and tell him that I was trying to ruin his relationships with them. I have been abused by these people so much that I told my DH that I believed we needed to step away from his family for a while. I was sad to do it and i felt really guilty, but I believe for me and my DH to make our marriage work we needed to step away from these people. All they were doing was bringing in conflict into our marriage. I couldn't take the phone calls anymore. So my DH agreed he told his family that we were going to step away, he told them what they did at the wedding and afterwards was wrong (which they wont own up too) and that we needed to work on our marriage and with them causing conflict it wasn't going to work.
so the last couple of weeks have been okay ... his family still calls, but we just ignore it. My SIL came into town and wanted to stay at our house after everything we told her she still asked and she was upset b/c we told her no.
Well this is what I'm really wanting advice on last night me and my DH were at the store and he got a text message on his phone. I had the phone so i looked at it and it read "Dad really wants to see you, but don't tell your wife. Just meet him somewhere" I was pissed when i read this message. I understand his dad wants to see him, but they had no right to tell my DH to sneak behind my back. I called my BIL who wrote the message and told him that our marriage doesnt work like that and that I don't appreciate them trying to have my DH sneak around. My BIL just laughed like it was a joke and said "some families huh?". I told my husband if he really wanted to see his dad he could, but just don't start sneaking around. He said he didn't ... he said that what they did was wrong.
So where I'm getting at is what should I do?? I thought with them staying away things would work out fine, but they just dont seem to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my DH and want to stay, but I truly can't take his family anymore. They are driving me insane and I can't do it anymore. Any advice???

It sounds like his family has heard what he's told them before, and they've pushed and he's caved in and they've won back into control of his life. So they understandably don't believe him this time that it'll be different. They believe that they just might have to up the ante a bit before they regain control over him.
I hope for your sake that you chose wisely and married a man who understand his roll as a husband and the family he has now is you. My advice is if you've married a man, that you sit with him and ask him what he thinks the two of you should do about this. How does HE want to handle his parents and siblings, whom he loves, being so hateful and destructive you you and your marriage?
Now in a perfect marriage he would call them all up and tell them that until they appologise to him and his wife for their nasty hurtful actions that he can not allow them to have contact, because you are his family now first and foremost.
Of course in a perfect marriage your fiance would have defended you at the tuxedo shop and told his father that he will never speak to his wife that way again, and if he wasn't there to witness it he would have demanded an appology from his father or told him that he was no longer invited to the wedding.
I thoroughly agree. Do you have a strong feeling from your husband that he will protect you, and insulate you from them all? If not, then you will will be always tense, peering over his shoulder, fearing that they will squeak back in and attack you again. Can he be your Knight? If he can, and he proves himself, then you will find you can relax and have a loving marriage. They will be only an irritation, not a dire threat.
If he will not protect you, then please please please hold off on bringing any children into this destructive situation. Then you will be trapped, and the kids may be badly hurt. Keep talking to your husband. Keep being open and honest about what you need from him. And above all, be VERY honest about whether you are feeling this relationship can last. A spouse deserves that truth.