Needed advice on MIL
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Needed advice on MIL
| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:46pm |
Okay since the beginning of this year (Feb.) we have stopped helping my husband's mother out financially with her rent. We had let her know that we are needing the extra $ b/c we added our child to daycare. Well at first she seemed upset about the whole thing and then she tells us that we dont have any obligation to help her NOR my mother...Which I havent helped my mother out in years. I mean we aren't having money problems but we had just recently got married this year and were trying to get a house for us and our little girl. Also, we believed we shouldnt be helping her anymore b/c well her and her other son that lives with her were splitting the rent. I guess we believed since we have our own little family now we are trying to move up and get situated. Right now she's working two jobs. Okay as of last month or so, when we visit her...she is always telling us that she is broke and has little money to herself. She was visiting us just about every day as well..and well I had spoken to my husband about that b/c well I come home from work and Im tired. I mean we didnt tell her anything about this b/c I dont want to be rude BUT I did tell him that I just want to spend time resting and well the time we have for our family. My husband works nights and comes home about noon and doesnt wake up til I come home...I work normal business hrs. and traffic is about an hr. So during the wk we really dont have any time for ourselves b/c well my husband usually goes to sleep about 9 due to his work. I dont mind she comes by but not everyday. At one point she tells me that I should let my husband rest (b/c he does more at his job than I) and that he shouldnt be doing housework. Also b/c at the time he was looking tired and well she told me to take care of him, feed him, and to make him take his vitamins...Then always hinting that I can make him do whatever I want him to do b/c you can control a man. Then recently we had my husband's little brother (he's 6) with us for a bday party and well my husband's mother wanted to go out to club and we were already heading back to drop off his brother. She had asked us if we could watch him and my husband said it was okay but his little brother didnt want to stay with us. So we didnt watch him and his mother had told us that she asked his little brother if my husband had told him anything and he had said No..and that she told us that we could of told him to watch movies,etc. but my husband had told her we werent going to force him to stay with us. Which she was upset over. Well we also got our house which is 30 min. away from BOTH parents...but his mom and bro. are stating that our house if far. Sometimes we have trouble with the holiday issues. My mom doesnt really tell me much of it but his mom expects us to be with her at every holiday. LIke she already said "what are we doing for thanksgiving" knowing last year we spent thanksgiving with her and the relatives. So this year we spend it with my parents. Christmas is okay for us b/c his parents spend it on Xmas eve and my parents on Xmas day. One thing that did bother me with my husband was that last year for New Years we agreed to spend it with friends b/c we didnt know where to go. I wanted to go with my family and him with his. But we didnt want to separate. Well since we've been together (5 yrs), we have not spent it with my family. We usually spend it with his and I wanted to go to mine and we ended up having a quarrel about it b/c I didnt think it was fair. He wanted it b/c he said that his family (aunts, uncles, etc) get together now since they all became distant and well his mom was always out and about so we hardly visit her cause she was never home. Which I dont think that is my fault. Am I just nagging or do I have a point on some of these issues? Please leave advice. thanks...
Edited 11/13/2006 5:31 pm ET by angies21
Edited 11/13/2006 5:31 pm ET by angies21

Lol, your MIL is annoying. Welcome to the club. But, be greatful that she is annoying and not evil. The distinction must be made. Annoying is tollerated out of loving obligation. Evil, (malicious devious dangerous) is to be avoided for self preservation.
"Then always hinting that I can make him do whatever I want him to do b/c you can control a man."
She is 100% correct. It's like the line on My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "The man is the head of the family. But the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head any way it wants". But, that is true only of a man. Not a boy or a guy or a male. A real man is putty in the hands of the woman he loves. It's quite an awsome responsibility really.
I'm not sure what advice you are asking for though.
No you are not being rude about wanting some days to spend time with your husband without her around.
It's none of her business if your husband does some of the housework. If it's not an issue between you and your husband, then don't worry about what she says.
The little brother episode...sounds like she didn't get to go out and have a good time, was frustrated, and became unreasonable. Childish, but unless it's a pattern or she can't let it drop, you should probably let it go.
And New Year's I think maybe you are wrong on that one but maybe there is info that you left out or I missed. You split T-day and xmas by alternating years because each holiday is special to both of your families. So that seems fair. New Years seems to be a special gathering for his family, and you don't mention that your family does anything special for that time. So why not be generous and let your husband enjoy that evening with them?
Thanks for your advice. Sorry that I didnt mention about the New Year's situation with my family. Well just about every year my family go to Mexico for Xmas and New Years and well last year they were in town and some of my family (not all) were all going to be together for New Year's. I mean its not a BIG party but more like a family thing.
Also good news on that part. I had spoke with my husband and told him how I felt about that and IF my parents are in town, we are going to spend it with them. But we will see b/c that was how it was supposed to be last year.
"Are we wrong about stop helping with $?"
No. She isn't destatute. She is perfectly capable of providing for herself financially.
"Am I being rude about the whole situation of her visiting almost everyday?"
No. Boundaries definently need to be established and inforced.
"The situation of his little brother? Of having my husband NOT doing any of the housework as she thinks?"
So long as there is balance. He does not owe her housework, what about this little brother doing it?
"About being wrong on wanting to spend time with my family during the holidays (New Years)?"
No more wrong than he is for wanting to spend time with HIS family during the holidays. You may have to establish a trade off and, like the boundaries, establish and inforce.