Do MILS want to ruin marriages?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Do MILS want to ruin marriages?!?
11
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:44pm

Hello Everyone,

I have posted a few times on some of the different message boards here on I Village. My marriage has had some rocky points for me, and one of those rocky points is with my MIL right now. It's hard to describe her but I think stubborn, conniving, and conspiring might do the trick. This woman does so much to get her two sons' attention that it is beyond believable. She is so controlling, and I have told my husband more than once that I would prefer a lot of alternatives rather than have to live with her and take care of her. She has diabetes and takes very poor care of her health. But I swear, she does it on purpose and for attention. Just today she was out gardening in her yard (by the way, let me mention one thing that is eating away at me, if I can. My husband bought his mom a house so that she could live close to him and his brother. We currently live in a cramped apartment and barely make it to the end of the month because of the house bills that he has to pay for his mom's home. His mom doesn't seem to notice this and just yesterday mentioned she was needing new furniture for her home. Aghhh!) Anyway, just today she was working out in her yard and "forgot to eat" to she passed out and bumped her head. She then waited a few hours to let anyone know and when she finally did, her eye was swollen and she was feeling dizzy. Anyway, she checked out ok at the hospital but this isn't the first time she's pulled this kind of stunt. Just the thought of me moving in with her causes me nauseau. To be frank, if my husband wants to move in with her, he can, but I'm going to live on my own. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to go our seperate ways before then because I can see that there's no way things will work out if we have to live with his mom.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 7:18pm
I am glad for you that you won't move in with "them". Who needs that??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 8:28pm

Hi Eurowife35, welcome!

Were you married when your DH bought this house for your MIL?

Why does she have a nice house and you and DH are barely making ends meet? It should be the other way around! Why isn't your DH putting you first?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:07am
Well, the truth is that my husband bought the house before we had met, so I know I can't hold him too accountable for that. Even now he says he regrets buying that house, but at the same time, he would never insist that his mom have someone, like a home nurse, come in to check on his mom once in awhile so that she could stay at her home that is 2 hours away. By the way, she still has a home of her own that is empty and she refuses to rent or sell it to help contribute to the new house she's living in. My MIL insists that her sons take care of her, even though they both work more than 40 hours a week, and my husband is studying. She does anything to get attention, and whenever we go to visit her, we have to hear for three hours how awful she feels and poor me this and poor me that. What scares me, and makes me sad too, is that I know if her health gets bad, my husband will move in with her to take care of her, but since there is no way I am living with her, it means we'll have to seperate. I just wonder if it wouldn't be better to seperate now. I love my husband, but I don't feel like I can handle all of the stress associated with being married.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 5:55am

I am not normally one to suggest counseling, because I don't think it is warranted for every situation. However, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that your husband thinks it is okay for his wife to live in a cramped apt, while Mommy lives on HIS dime, in a nice house, even though she has a home of her own. Why doesn't she live in her own house?

Lay it on the line. Tell DH this is NOT normal. That she has a house of her own and he should not have to foot all of her bills. If he cannot see it and counseling doesn't help, you have a decision to make.

The only real advice I can give is please don't have children with this "boy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 7:16am
I would love it if his mom would move back to her own home, but like I said, she refuses any type of home assist help and because she's got diabetes, at times she needs it. Instead, she prefers to call her sons at 10PM at night to say that she "forgot to eat" and now feels sick and please come take care of me, etc. The woman has had diabetes for 10 years now, but my stepdaughter (who thank the good Lord I get along well with) says that my MIL has had this typical kind of behaviour since she can remember. She wants attention and exaggerates everything. I think my husband feels bad that she doesn't feel well. His mom's house takes about 60% of my husband's income. The thing is, I can only see two options: number one is that his mom is able to continue to take care of herself until she passes away or number two, she neglects her health and my husband has to move in with her and we seperate. Those are the only options I see. I don't know that counseling would help at this point because now, no matter what, my husband has a mortgage to pay to the bank for his mom's nice condo while we live in a dingy apartment that's falling apart and have no money whatsoever to use for hobbies, going out, clothes, anything. I guess I just didn't realize until we were married how tough things were going to be with his mom's house (and his mom in general!) and how little I would be getting paid as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:31pm

I hope you don't mind, I would like to second everything that mom2danjam said. It is time to put your foot down and demand that he see a counselor with you. You can tell him in all sincerity that you are giving serious consideration to divorce, and that you two will need good, professional advice if you are going to save the relationship. I think it is also important that you two see a financial advisor of some kind. Ask friends, co-workers or even your bank - your husband is making a dozen SERIOUS financial errors in the way this is being handled.

If your MIL will not sell her other home and put the money towards the condo, then she should move back to her home so you and your husaband can take over the condo and continue the mortgage payments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:26pm
Perhaps we should consider counselling but now I just feel it will cause more problems trying to get his mom to move back to her house and I know my husband won't go for it- no way, no how. When his mom passes away, he plans on selling the house. She had my husband when she was a little older and will be turning 79 soon. Of course, she could always live to be a hundred and we could continue forever with this huge payment, but one thing is for sure, I will not live with her. We'll separate before I'll live with her, and my stepdaughter, who is in her early teens, also said she would live with an aunt or cousins before she's live with her own grandma.
And no worries, there's no children in sight because if we can barely afford to buy groceries for ourselves, there's no way I'd think about having a baby. It's awful to say this, but I don't plan on having children until she passes away. I know there has to be other solutions but I know my husband and he won't consider having mommy make any changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:57pm

If her house is vacant, why aren't you living in it? That only seems fair to me.

She sounds alot like my mom. My mom even faked a heart attack once because we went to a Christmas party.

Terri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:15pm
I echo the sentiments of the others. Counseling may be your best option right now. I was concerned by your last reply, because it seems as though you have lost heart and feel that you are already defeated. The way to cope with this is not to lose heart and wait for your MIL to die before you resume your life (morbid on several levels.)
Does your DH understand how much this is affecting you? Does he acknowledge his mother's role in her own ill health? IMO, Its time for you, DH and hopefully a trained 3rd party to get this all out in the open and figure out a strategy to get yourselves out of this situation. Only you can answer whether or not the marriage is worth saving.
I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:13am

Hi Terri,

Although it's too bad that your mom also goes to such extremes to get attention, I'm glad that I'm not alone out there. My MIL stops at nothing to get attention from her sons. She skips meals and she's diabetic so obviously it's really bad for her but she does these things on purpose! But my husband doesn't seem to see it. However, my stepdaughter and I can see right through her and we know what she's up to...

As far as living in her house, that wouldn't be a possibility because it's 2 hours away so we'd either have to quit our jobs here or have a huge commute...

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