Living with In Laws

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Living with In Laws
12
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:43am
DH and I have been married for 6 months and decided that we would live with my in laws for a few months while we tried to get into the home buying process rather than re signing our apartment lease for another year. I know I should be grateful and I am its just that my MIL is really starting to get on my nerves just with little things that she does. For instance we ordered some doors for our "apartment" in their basement and we had some problems with the hardware store MIL said she was going to take a ride down there and talk with them I told her not to and we'd take care of it, I know she was trying to help but we are grown people and do not need mommy to call places for us. Another thing Sunday is our "Family day" by that I mean we keep sundays a day for DH and I and dont make plans for that day (unless its a holiday, bday party exc.) MIL knows this and lately I've noticed has been comming down and doing her laundry (laundry room is in basement where we stay) on Sundays then she will make chit chat with us before she goes back upstairs. I could just be reading to much into it but it irks me! We are dog sitting for some relatives in a few weeks and ask MIL if we did not make it home one day to feed our cat if she could she said not a problem and said out cat could come upstairs with her. Now a little backround MIL is a horrible housekeeper, dust everywhere, things lying around everywhere not an enviornment myself and DH feel comfortable letting our cat be. Our cat is into everything so things cant be left lying around. Last christmas we had some ribbon out when I was wrapping gifts he ate some and had to get surgery and we do not want to put him through that again both physically and ourselves financially. We told MIL how he will be ok left alone downstairs and that we have to be real careful with him and she just made a pouty face and didnt say anything. Before we lived there I had a good relationship with her, she would say things now and then that would aggravate me but I usually ignored it. For example she has a tendency to awnser for DH when I am talking with him or to awnser for me when we are at a function and people ask me questions about DH or the wedding exc. I find it lately the little things she does is bugging me, do you think its because im seeing her everyday? Originally we were going to live there for 6mths or so but now I find myself wanting to get out like NOW!! For the sanity of myself and DH's relationship but also I think I will not be so annoyed by MIL once we are moved out. Do you think I am feeling this way because I see her so much? Sorry for kind of rambling!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 10:00am
You could have signed a month to month lease, couldnt you have? Your living in her house. You chose to do that. If you dont like her house keeping move out. If its unsafe for your cat move out. You even complain about her doing laundry in HER house. She has the right to do it when ever she wants. You live with her but because it is Sunday she is supposed to be restricted to certain parts of the house? I dont know how she is to be around and she may very well be obnoxious but she doesnt sound horrible. I think you are over reacting. Once again do the grown up thing and move out. Other wise just live with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:23pm

Just my opinion, it sounds like you are having all the typical, perfectly natural, human reactions that people get when living in "close quarters." It can be different when it is your lover or your beloved kids, the little things they do don't cause you that irritation. Can you imagine how it has been for humans throught history? Like when large family groups all lived tightly in a big cave, a warren of huts all together or in over-crowded tenements in large cities throughout the world? The idea of privacy was one reserved for the wealthy few, wasn't it?

If all those people who went before could bear it, well, maybe you can, too. If your motivation is strong enough, you can find a way. But if you don't wish to put up with it for long, that is OK. Hang in there, keep telling yourself it won't be long before moving day, and do whatever little things you need to do to brighten each of your days. If you are happy and well-rested, you will find it easier to do this:

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Avatar for judym13930
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:44pm

I think you should be greatful that someone cared enough to open up their home to you in order for you to save some money to buy a house. You are in her house.
What a monster she must be to make an offer to speak to the hardware store on your behalf and imagine her nerve to come down and chat a bit on Family Day. Also terrible was her offer for your cat to come upstairs with her and the nerve of her to pout when you said no.

You should probably move out instead of putting up with that kind abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 1:27pm
First off I never once said I was ungrateful for her letting us stay in her home. I am very grateful and do know it is her house and she has a right to places like her laundry room. What I did say by these incidents is as far as the whole doing laundry and talking to us on our family day thing is she just started doing it w/in the last couple weeks after I made a comment about myself not going to one of those home parties becuase it was "our family day". And the comment about the hardware store was an example of how she does things for myself, DH or BIL that is our job to do and not hers. I never once called my MIL a monster as a matter of fact I stated I always had a good relationship with my MIL and that she has just been doing small things that bug me latley which I thought maybe to do with the fact I was seeing her everyday. I come her for helpful advice not for SARCASTIC RUDE Advice and to have words put in my mouth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:31pm
Get a grip. No one is putting words in your mouth. Maybe you gave the wrong impression but none the less we all got that impression from you. If you dont want people to give honest reactions to your post then dont post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:32pm

I can relate to your experience. My DH's parents have a lake house that my DH's grandparents built. When my FIL married my MIL, they moved in for the summer every year. My DH has very fond memories of summers spent at "camp" (thats what they call them here in New England) with his parents and grandparents. Naturally, when my DH and I married, the assumption was that we would follow suit with this "tradition." We talked about it before we married and I expressed my concerns about such an arrangement. I did, however, promise that I would give it a try. WELL...try it I did, and after 1 month of being in such close quarters, I was nearly driven to lunacy. I do not hate my in-laws. In fact, they are wonderfully sweet people...IN MODERATION. Like you, it was the little things that got to me, MIL's lack of basic cleanliness, the lack of privacy, the fact that MIL is in her full glory when she is in "mommy" mode (not just with her son, she mothers everyone she comes across) I am quite close to my own family, however my parents raised me to be very independent, and I began to resent her well-intentioned attempts to mother me, such as pack my lunch for me. (I actually had to ask her multiple times not to do that) There are many, many more issues that I have with my MIL, but in the interest of brevity, I won't go into them. Suffice it to say that she and I are very different.

I guess my main point is that in one way I am very lucky to not have malicious in-laws, but their desire to be with us all the time, proved too much for me to handle. While we were living with them, my husband and I did not have a real marriage...it was a bizarre return to his childhood. After a month there, I put my foot down. We will not be moving in with them again. I'm sure my in-laws had no idea why we moved out so abruptly, but to their credit, they never pried into why.

In answer to your question, yes. You are probably feeling this way because you see her so often. Familiarity DOES breed contempt. I am glad that I was finally able to get my DH to realize that I wanted a good, normal relationship with his parents and that this could only happen if they weren't shoved down my throat.
My suggestion would be, find ways to cope and get away (outside the home if necessary) and make sure that you and your DH stay on track to get your own place. And try not to lose your cool so that you and your MIL still have a good relationship once you no longer live with her.
Hope this helps a little! Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:56pm
Thanks for your story it really helped me feel a little better, this is exactly how im feeling. I too was raised to be more independant and having her try to do do do for us even when it is in good kind intention just bothers me because like you said she is in "mommy mode" when we dont need to be mommied! I do feel like once I am not around her as 24/7 then things will be different and I am hoping my realtionship with her goes back to the way it was. Before we moved in I did have a good realtionship with her and I do in a way feel like im starting to push her away because im getting annoyed with the little things and I dont want that of course. Did you find after you moved out that you were back to the old relationship you had with your MIL?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:33pm

Yes, I do think that things have gotten better since we moved out. My DH and FIL are in business together, so we have more contact with my in-laws than maybe a lot of ppl do...something I knew going into the marriage. I tried to stress to my husband when this issue came to a head, that it was the SITUATION that was unbearable. I avoided any personal attacks on his mother, because I didn't think that would be constructive. The reality is, I am ready and able to be the "woman of the house" and could not do so where she was still firmly rooted in that role.

All of this only occurred this past summer, so believe me, it is still a work in progress. I'd be happy to keep you posted though!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 8:59am

Oh boy can I sypmathize with you. My DH and I have only been with the in-laws for a month and I think I am going nuts. We actually have a place to live but hubby hasn't set the date with his buddy's yet to get our furniture there. I'm about to go anyway and sleep on the floor until he decides to make his move.

I feel like I'm being smothered. My MIL can really be very nice (If yor nice to her) otherwise she is really bitter and holds a grudge forever (I mean that literally, if she decides you crossed her you are on her SL for life). So I just smile and be as nice as possible about everything.

When I get home from work the conversation about nothing starts and does't stop until I deceide to go to our room for the night. The conversation starts with what she had for breakfast to what she saw while shopping that day (sometimes she doens't even know what she's describing to me. The conversation will go something like this "I saw this really pretty thing at the store today, it went up like this and had a curly thing on it and the side had a curve and you could get it in any color)???????? my head starts spinning as the conversation goes on and on. I just feel smothered. If we are in the bedroom watching TV she always has to come and check on us. She's gone through my suitcase looking for laundry. (At our last house she went in my closet and re-arranged it one day while they were waiting for me to get home). If we are all watching TV (Hubby likes to spend an hour or so after dinner sitting with them), if a pretty girl comes on the set she gets all pissed off and we have to change the channel or listen to her rant about how NOT pretty that girl is. I just don't think she has any social graces or boundries.

ANYWHO...I think its just the close quarters and lack of privacy that starts to eat away at me. I'm starting to find every little thing gets on my nerves. I get really depressd when we are there and I can't control it. I am grateful that they let us stay with them but at the same time I feel like I am losing my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:48pm
My husband...supposedly...(i have my doubts that its his) has a kid with some girl he had a one night stand with and had no kind of relationship with her, he did not want to have the kid(im a firm believer that if YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE IT>>>>YOU NEED TO SUPPORT IT) so my husband gave up rights and his mothewr babysits that kid 7 days a week and his sister has (after the kid is 3 years old ) become best friends with the kids mom, my husband and i live with his parents and have a beautiful 1year old baby that might i add is not dumb and knows that when grandma leaves she cant go but the cusins can all because the female doesnt want my daufghter around her illigitimate son.....shes got nerve, and the nerve of his parents..what ever happend to family support...i mean this female just about destroyed their sons life and they cant do enoug for her, in fact she cant even go to the bathroom without calling his mother to watch the little brat..... please give me advise because im ready to take my daughter an ;leave ALL OF THEM....HUSBAND INCLUDING
AND MY HUSBAND DOESNT FEEL HE CAN SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE WE LIVE WITH THEM AND OWE THEM A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY, I DONT THINK THAT GIVES THEM THE RIGHT TO WALK ALL OVER US

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