WWYD?Help w/ SIL2B

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
WWYD?Help w/ SIL2B
3
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 10:50am
My BIL recently got engaged to his GF. His Fiance and I do not have the best relationship we dont really have a relationship at all actually. A little backround... before they were engaged I tried to get to know her however she wasn't real friendly. When DH and I got married I decided to ask her to be a BM I did this because I knew BIL was serious about her and figured if she was going to be my FSIL I would ask her. Well she said yes but then as time went on was on the fence about it, BIL asked "If you do a bridal party dance can I dance with GF, she doesnt feel comfortable dancing with someone else". (BIL was BM) So we said fine, time went on....his GF didnt know if she wanted to be in it was uncomfortable about being in a dress. She ended up saying she would be in it when BIL told her it was important to him. When my bridal party was planning our shower she was not very involved, at times I regreted asking her to be in my wedding because she made things more complicated where my beliefs are when you accept to be in someones wedding you be in it and do the things the couple decided (unless its drastic like lets have a rehearsal dinner and go bungy jumping or something!!). Anyways rewind to last new years eve DH and I decided we were going to do a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, BIL and his GF got into a big fight because GF did not want to go and said she felt like they were being "forced into comming to our party" Hello it is her BF only Brothers Bachelor party, which BIL wanted to attend! GF ended up comming and brought her sis and her friend with her stayed in one room the whole time by themselves with their own food and drinks. I always hoped to have a SIL that I was great friends with and have just recently come to the fact that that will not be with me and her. We tend to tolerate each other and get along but we are not friends. It seems that the only time she is friendly and talks to me is when she has some drinks in her!We had a talk a while back with BIL about how we feel like we never see them and they always hang out with her Sister exc. BIL said that would change and he wants us to be close too and so on but nothing came out of it. Whatelse can I say about her... When we invite them over for different things or are at different functions with them either A) GF does not come and BIL states she isnt feeling good or is tired or B)They leave early. MIL actually said something to BIL about how whenever they are at one of their family events they always have to leave early but stay at hers for hours. Since then this has changed some. Since they got engaged BIL said that his fiance has joined weight watchers. I emailed her a website of another nutrition, diet, fintess site that was free and I found to be really neat, never said a word about getting it no thankyou nothing. I last function we were at this past weekend again she didnt talk with myself or DH but I noticed she was talking alot more with inlaws FIL said something about how he sees me more than everyone (I work w/ him) and she says I know I was just saying the other day how I havent seen you in a while to FIL. Later in the night i was talking with a family friend she then comes up and starts talking to this lady about them getting married. DH thinks she is trying now to win people over and compete with me, which is that is the case is fine im not going to play that game!! When we are somewhere when we are eating she is always making comments about how she got BIL to eat veggies, this past weekend someone said something to DH about him not eating his green beans SIL2B then says oh (BIL's name) eats his greenbeans I bit my tounge when DH said well I work out more than BIL so I dont have to eat my greenbeans and that was that!! My DH usually eats some sort of fruit and either carrots or cucumbers as a snack for crying out loud!! Another thing MIL redid her office when it was 1st done she said to me, DH & BIL she didnt like it then a few weeks later told MIL she did! Anyways this is the type of stuff we hear everytime we are with them and it gets annoying which we have come to understand is just them and have been trying to ignore it however this is my question... Should I just give up and continue with the way things are and just tolerate her when I am around her or shouls I try agian to build a relationship with her? I will admit that the past couple of times we have been around them I have not gone out of my way to talk with her I feel like I have tried numerous times to have a relationship with this girl, be friendly with her and welcome her and have failed and that I am done trying. DH Grandmother even said she doesnt think we'll ever be friends and it wont be becuase of me. WWYD? Would you try again with this girl even though you have multiple times in the past or would you keep things the way they are and tolerate each other? Thanks and sorry if this was kind of long!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:13pm

Oooo, so sorry to hear about the great green bean incident. You gotta admit, when you reflect that there are things like war, famine, abuse and disease in the world, it puts our green bean moments into perspective. Don't you agree?

I don't know how it's going to work out for you and FSIL. But I can say that things will go more smoothly if you can stay focused on living and enjoying your life, and how you can make life more enjoyable for everyone around you. Any time that you spend thinking about what other people should do for you, or say to you, or behave with you... is (IMO) not time well spent. It only breeds frustration. Not joy. Our world needs more joy.

Don't talk to your mom or your DH about what SIL should be doing, should be acting, or whether you think she is competing. It can become a really bad habit, and does not make anyone feel that you are a caring, sweet person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:19pm
Be friendly and polite; try once in a while but no need to fall all over her or go out of her way. Learn to roll your eyes and laugh a little at things like the "Green Bean Incident" - it really is funny from an outsider's point of view because it makes her look so silly and petty. You don't have to be her best friend but no need to be enemies either, since you're stuck with each other for a long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:40pm
Accept that she is who she is, and you will not have the friendship SIL relationship that you had hoped for. Then be polite and treat kindly. I don't notice anything you mentioned of her doing anything wrong, anything annoying even. She's just different. So tollerate each other for the sake of your husbands. Be kind and polite, like you are to anybody.

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