Thanksgiving or Thankstaking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Thanksgiving or Thankstaking?
9
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 8:47pm
At my DH's cousin's wedding on October 21st, my MIL+FIL invited us to their house this Thanksgiving, as we spent last year's here at home with my Mom visiting. "Fair enough," I thought so we agreed to go, and I didn't think anything of it. I like my MIL's cooking!
Thus far I've not had any problems with his family that are out of the ordinary.
DH has to work every other weekend, I had been working every weekend for the past year and we live an more than an hour's drive away. Because of this, we do miss a lot of family functions. We try to visit once a month or so, but there never seems to be any picnics or gatherings going on when we don't have to work.
I've always sensed there's been an issue with our absence, but until we both have the luxury of weekends off, our time must be divided.
This year, I'm not sure things will ever be the same.
Four days ago my 68-years-young grandmother was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer that cannot be removed. I'm doing my best to keep positive and have hope that today's chemo and radio treatments can undo such harm. But realistically, I'm kinda scared and a whole lot sad. This is the grandmother raised me - my Mom was in the Army.
Anyhow, the point is - I asked MIL if it would be okay if they came to our house for Thanksgiving instead so that I could be with my Gram this Thanksgiving. She seemed upset, and when I asked why she was upset, she began to explain that she didn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving again this year. MIL's own mother said she didn't want to commit to visiting, FIL's brother and SIL couldn't come and now neither could DH and I.
She told me that I should be able to visit both - that she always visited both families for every holiday and so on. I explained that I wasn't comfortable driving 5 hours on Thanksgiving and begged that she understand what I'm going through and try to compromise.
MIL told me that I'm a "selfish little witch" and that since I married into the family, I have to do like the family. She explained that anyone could die at any minute and that she felt I'm "using my grandmother's illness as an excuse to miss yet another family function."
Now I don't even want to see this woman ever again. I must ask myself "what kind of person would accuse someone of such a thing?"
I understand her pain - that it's no fun to be alone on Thanksgiving, but I wish she could see that I offered my company, but she must come here instead. I've offered to cook at my house.
We had been planning to spend the ENTIRE DAY with MIL + co. for Thanksgiving, but right now I just really want to be with my Gram.
How can I get her to understand that I'm not just blowing her off because "I don't feel like it" or "don't want to?"
DH says he's "on my side," but she doesn't listen to him, either...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:52pm

I would tell MIL then thats to bad, your going to be totally alone. And I won't be going back to her place for a very long time. How dare she~~what a witch with a capital B!

I hope your Gram does better. I lost my dad to cancer 20 years ago, and I still miss him.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 10:57pm

oh, redswedishfish, I've been where you are and I feel your pain.

I don't understand why she thinks she would be alone, just because you and DH aren't coming. Is DH an only child? Even if that is the case, she still has her husband to celebrate Thanksgiving with. What is he, chopped liver?

My MIL has pulled this type of manipulation on my DH and I, too. Trying to tell you what you SHOULD do because it's what SHE wants, and not really what's best for you and DH, kwim? My advice? Go ahead and do what YOU and DH want to do this year for Thanksgiving. There will be other Thanksgivings that you can celebrate with your ILs. God forbid, but you never know if this will be the last opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with your beloved Gram. Life's too short to allow others the satisfaction of making you feel guilty for doing what you want to do, and what you know is best for you to do.

See, the name-calling gesture would have been the dealbreaker with me. She forfeited all chances of spending Thanksgiving with you two when she made the choice to stoop to that level. That was just uncalled for. No matter how disappointed she was, she should have kept her mouth shut.

My response to that would have been "You're right, MIL...I AM using my grandmother as an excuse because it is what it is, she's ill and I want to be with her."

It's not like you didn't try to meet her halfway regarding the situation. You did offer her a compromise. It sounds to me like she's the one being selfish here.

I'm glad that your DH is standing by you. He sounds like a good man.

Good luck!

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:43am

Pancreatic cancer is very serious. I think you ought to spend the time with your grandmother and tell your MIL that SHE is the selfish one. Oh, and that she is a cold-hearted, jealous asshat. I am serious. Tell her off royally.

If my inlaws ever said something like that about my family, that would be the LAST time they ever saw me. I would cut them dead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:35am


I can only imagine how you feel...I wholeheartedly agree with the other posts.

First of all, you and your DH are your own family. Using her logic, you are just as married into "her" family as your DH is married into yours, and your family has the more pressing concern this holiday. You also were kind enough to offer a compromise by having her and FIL at your house for Thanksgiving, so if she is "alone" this Thanksgiving, it is entirely by her choosing, not yours.

Go, be with your grandmother, cherish the time that you have with her and don't give your MIL a second thought.

Avatar for judym13930
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:36pm
How awful it is that you have to deal with your Grandmother's illness and then MIL's insensitity. No advice here, just positive thoughts for your Grandmother and hope that you MIL realizes how wrong and hurtful she was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:06pm
I am so sorry to read about your Grandmother's diagnosis. In 2005, I lost both my father and older sister within 5 months. My sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and because of lupus and other complications was not strong enough for the treatment that would have required. We had almost 6 weeks to the day with her after the diagnosis. I saw her just about every day of that time, often driving an hour one way on a daily basis. My mother in law behaved horribly during this ordeal because she was not the focus of our attention. She pitched a fit when my father passed away because we did not include her in our plans and my husband chose to be with me and my family during that time. She pitched one of her fits because I refused to come home the morning after my sister passed away to take her to the beauty shop. Needless to say, her appointment was the last thing on my mind and she had been told ahead of time that I might not be back and to call a cab if necessary.
All this background stuff to say, I understand your feelings. Be where YOUR HEART tells you to be on Thanksgiving, Christmas or whatever -- you can deal with MIL later if you choose. She is obviously as self centered as my MIL.
Prayers for you and your Grandmother
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:20am

Hi Redswedishfish, welcome to the board!

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope the chemo and radiation work for your grandmother and that she is able to live a long life.

As for your MIL, that was very cold of her to say what she did. These are extenuating circumstances and she could make an exception for it, but I guess she doesn't work that way. If it were me, I would stay home on Thanksgiving and visit Grandma. I would say to heck with MIL and she can go pound salt. If it were me, I wouldn't speak to her for a lonnnnggg time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 4:19pm

Hi all...thank you so much for your responses. Each of you probably has no idea how much you've helped - but I must thank you endlessly.For a while I was starting to question my own integrity, but after reading the responses to this post, I realize it's not so. This is certainly a case of "if you can't tolerate me - then it is you who has the problem, not I." I don't hurt people intentionally, and I do my best to treat those I encounter with respect and acceptance. When I speak, I do so without saying a word that is unkind, except in jest.

It's hard enough dealing with family illness, much less when someone makes you feel horrible about yourself. This woman is so venom tongued, I have to wonder if she ever liked me at all or was just waiting for me to mess up so she could scrape my heart out and fill the obvious hole in her own with mine.

I guess it is kind of important to note that DH and I are both only-children (sort of - DH has two half-brothers which he has not seen in ages and apparently are not as important to MIL). Also, the MIL is actually the Step-MIL with no children of her own. I don't know what difference this makes, but I wish I could just get her to appreciate who I am and not expect me to be her carbon copy.

Interestingly, while at an arts festival two years ago, she expressed her own dissatisfaction with having to be present at every family gathering, and that she wants to do her own thing (apparently she does not remember divulging).

She must have forgotten, too, about the time I broke up with DH (right before he proposed to me). He had nowhere to go as I was the lessee of the apartment. She didn't want anything to do with him then!!! She told him that he needed to take care of himself and that he could never stay there again!!! Quite a stark contrast from the "family is helping others" lecture she penned in her last email (which I've inserted, below).

I suspect that she is making this so difficult for me because she could not have me to be on her side all of the time when visiting her husband's family. I'm not on her team, in other words.

But I refuse to give in. I will go out of my way to help someone in need, but personal insecurity and the desire to keep-up-with-joneses and make-nice is not something I'm trained to deal with.

Here is a recent email exchange between us, after I had sent her a study on family cohesion (for more on that, see Olson's circumplex model of cohesion):

++++++BEGIN MIL MESSAGE+++++++

If your intention was to "teach" me about family dynamics, you've failed miserably. If your intention was to prove that the "" family's connection to each other is unnatural, you can't, because you don't know enough about us to judge. If your intention was to portray me as "rigid/inflexible" you are correct. Why? because you are "disengaged/disconnected", in my opinion, and over the last almost two years I have moved from "flexible" to "rigid" simply because of your refusal to be a part of this extended family in ANY way.

Finally, if you need a class to determine what constitutes a functional family unit, I feel sorry for you. It's far better to experience family rather than study it - you learn a lot more. Like how to put other people's needs before your own. Like helping others get through their problems. LIKE VISITING YOUR PARENTS/GRANDPARENTS ON HOLIDAYS WHEN YOU'D RATHER PARTY. Like dealing with other crap you would rather avoid. That's what a FAMILY is all about.

If you think that you're going to change my mind on this let me give you some insight into where I'm coming from. WHEN AND IF YOU CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR I WILL BACK OFF. UNTIL THEN, I WILL CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR INTENTION IS TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT CONSIDERATION FOR ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY - INCLUDING MY SON, WHOM YOU PROFESS TO LOVE.

And FINALLY, perhaps somewhere in your sociology class they touched upon a little thing called "respect for your elders." Maybe you should look it up. It has to be there somewhere - it's the basis of just about every society in the world - including ours.
+++++END MIL MESSAGE+++++++

+++++BEGIN MY RESPONSE+++++

My intention was only to show that there are many different types of families, and that there is no "best" family.

Also, I should point out that I don't have much of a family, and that I am not accustomed to being part of a herd. This is something you must understand if you would like to know who I am.

I am who I am. That's not going to change. I can only compromise.

It is a little difficult for me to comprehend your dissatisfaction for going 3 weeks without seeing Chris and I when I've gone 5 years without seeing my own Dad, 4 years without seeing his brother and probably 10 years without seeing my Grandfather. Not because i don't love them, or want to be with them, it's just circumstance.

Also, I am reminded that when he had no where to go, you weren't interested in being with him at all.

At first I was terribly offended by your remarks, but the more I think of it - you were right. If you think I'm using my Grandmother as an excuse, you're exactly right. She's my grandmother, she is gravely ill and I'll be damned if I don't spend this holiday with her!!! Right now she really needs a lot of love and support.

Only you can decide what kind of mother in law you will be. And I hope that you will trust your son and his choice, because he isn't changing his mind. And futhermore, if you want to blame me for not seeing him, your blame is misplaced.

He is capable of picking up the phone, hopping on a bus, etc etc.
Do consider that he alone chose to move here with me, I never asked him to leave his hometown.

If you think we spend more time with my family than yours, you're dead wrong. I work, I study (currently teaching myself XML and PHP) I make sure that your son is comfortable and well fed and take care of business. I'm rather stoic and not much for large gatherings. This is who I am. Like it or not.

Finally, we can choose to accept each other as we are or not. Bear in mind that not everyone wishes to do things as you have done.

++++++END MY RESPONSE++++

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 4:27pm

Your way of turning MIL's phrase really helped out...I wanted to tell you that. I wrote an email to MIL today, and told her just as you said "you're right, i am using my gram as an excuse." I meant to reply to your thread but it looks like I actually replied to my own.

I'm new here. :)