IN-LAW issues!!!!! ( long 1st post)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
IN-LAW issues!!!!! ( long 1st post)
12
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:19pm
This is my 1st post to this board, I suppose I may be a bit older than some of you (i'm 44) however, my problems are still similiar to yours. So here goes.
My husband is very,very sick. He has non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver and is on the national waiting list for a liver transplant. I don't know if any of you know much about liver disease but the primary symptoms he suffers from are: fatigue,headache,nausea,abdominal pain,fluid retention & memory loss.
His father is not supportive & sympathetic at all to my DH condition. He was abusive to his wife and children when they were young,he is very paranoid,looks at any problem as a personal attack on him. He thinks his word is the law and his children are to obey his every command. He's really a mean,ill tempered man. Every time we have ever gone to visit (20 yr of marriage) he has always had a complaint about something. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Usually about his kids not visiting enough. He's always writing one of his kids out of his will or saying he's leaving everything he owns (which is basically nothing we would want anyway) "to the one that shows the most respect" to him. Well we have really gotten into it with him this past week because my husband has not been able to visit in about 2 months (it's a 30 mi trip one way) and frankly my husband is just too tired. He is trying to hold on to his job for as long as he can because he HAS to maintain medical insurance to be a transplant candidate & only has 12 months medical leave available-which will be needed more when he has his transplant than right now- so he's just trying to hang in there with his job right now. He works about 48-56 hrs a week. mon-sat. Needless to say when he gets home he doesn't feel like a 30 mile drive and a 2 hr visit w/ mommy & daddy ! On Sun he just wants to rest after church & see our daughter & the grandkids (if he feels well enough). His parents are more than welcome to come to our home to visit but they REFUSE ! In 20 years his mother has visited us maybe 5 times. His dad maybe 15 times. IN 20 YEARS !!!! They cared for their sick son at home for 15 yrs & always used that as an excuse (but they always went any where they wanted to go)They want my DH to make ALL the effort. My husband was faithful in visiting them while they cared for his brother BUT the brother passed away about 6 months ago & they still want my husband to make all the effort. My FIL sends emails telling my DH that one of the 10 commandments is "Honor thy Father & thy Mother" he says that my DH is dis-respectful because he doen't come to visit like they want....He says that no matter how dis-respectful my DH is that they will always love him.. and he will always be "their son".
Just last week my FIN "went -Off on my husband because he was not able to send an email to my husband at work. Their email was messed up for a day & mail was bouncing back to the sender. My father in law leaves a message (on the company phone no less!) that says. " I tried to send you an email, but I can't. Somebody blocked me from sending email to you,I don't know why somebady would want to do a thing like that but they did, But that's fine with me if that's the way YOU want it." can you believe he jumped to a conclusion like that? That message is what really set this whole thing off.Please tell me....since when was being sick & not feeling well enough to visit called dis-respectful to a parent? My FIL sends emails asking "why do you never have any time for us?" why have you forsaken us? and leaves voice mails saying "We love you whether you love us or not". It is about to drive me & DH CRAZY !!!! How can my FIL treat a son that he claims to love so much this way when he's soooo sick? My DH has just cut himself off from them this week. He says he doesn't need negativity. He is trying to maintain a positive attitude. He says he is not going to see them thanksgiving or christmas. any suggestions? comments? I just need some support at this point. TIA.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:22pm

Your DH is absolutely correct in cutting them off. Support him however you can in that decision. He needs to care for himself right now, and you need to help him. You should commend your DH for standing up to this.

His parents are ridiculous and out of control for thinking it's appropriate to manipulate him by guilt.

Check out two books - Toxic Inlaws (for you) and Toxic Parents (for DH). That might help you a bit.

Good Luck,
M2E

BTW, you're not that much older. I'm 36.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:43pm

OOPs




Edited 11/15/2006 3:51 pm ET by mom2danjam
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:47pm

Change the phone number and change your email addys. If they come over to harass you, tell them your husband is SICK, and they are not welcome. If they still harass you, file charges and get a restraining order.

I think your husband is smart. Why would anyone want to have anything to do with an abusive father and mother. Yes, MIL is also abusive because she allowed her children to be abused. And still is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:14pm

Your DH is right for cutting off these pathetic excuses for parents. The stress of dealing with these idiots is probably not helping his health much. Dh needs to be concentratig on preserving his strength and staying well enough to get a transplant. Anybody with half a brain knows you don't go too far from home while on the transplant list. That extra hour drive could mean the differece between getting a transplant or not getting one.

Good parents would be down every weekend cutting the grass and cleaning the gutters and being as helpfull as possible, not applying guilt trips and being complete (insert explitive here).

And to call his work! Are they trying to get him fired too? Sheesh.

Stay away from these jerks as much as possible.

And the next time the pull the "honor" card remind them of Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children...

Or better yet, change your email and phone number. And definetly have DH block his email at work.

Terri
Wife to Dave 22 Years
Mom to Tara-19
Cassi-17
Angela-4
James-9 months

PS: I'm 43 almost 44

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:19pm

Ok, I understand where you and your dh are coming from. My dh *may* need a heart transplant in about 15 to 20 years (he has had a heart valve replaced and we aren't sure if he can do another replacement or will need the transplant) I'm 48 & he's 45. We still have trouble with his side of the family, being rude toward me.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:09pm
Thank you ladies so much for your support. Now he has the relatives calling us. (or trying to) anyway.
I will have to get him banned from the hospital when we go for the transplant if things do not change. DRASTICALLY ! I actually did remind him of eph 6:4 (he hasn't spoken to me since) :-) except to forward a copy of my email to my husband. what's that about?
thanks again !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:04pm

Your FIL is one peice of work! I can sympathize, my own Dad is growing more and more paranoid, forgetful and unpredictable. My siblings just cannot let go of the things that he does, they get all offended and fearful and stare around them trying to figure out ways to make Dad change back into a younger man. It's not going to happen.

You are so right to be your husband's support through this, and he is right to hold his folks at arm's length if he doesn't have the strength to listen to their vitriole. Unless he tells you not to, I think it would be OK for you to call his folks once a week and give them a Hello and a brief update. Tell them you are all still alive, but that their boy is seriously ill and could not possibly travel. It might help you to have some little sentences jotted down in case you need some help... like, "Husband's doctor thinks a new liver may take 12 months to get, and we don't know if Hubby can hold out that long." Or, "I am trying to make this a very nice Thanksgiving, I don't know if I'll ever have another one with Hubby by my side."

Some people just don't stop to think unless someone smacks them in the face with harsh reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:14pm
I have already tried the "friendly informant" approach with them. (didn't work) This is not something that is age related. His dad has always been this way. Actually, when he was a younger man and prone to drinking he was much, much worse. In my husbands childhood years he was physically abusive to his wife and the children. He still blows up and wants to "take a swing" at someone on occasion. DH uncle (FIL Brother)passed away about a year ago and he took a swing at his brothers best friend(accused him of being around so much because he was having an affair with his dying brothers wife) BTW the brother died 2 days later. It's always something with this man !
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:25pm
IMO, you and your children don't need to be around an abusive person and his enabling wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:53pm

Hi Jcw3_mawmaw, welcome to the board!

I think your DH is doing the right thing by staying away from his parents. They exhibit abusive behaviors and even though your DH is sick, they still want him to come over, etc. If they really wanted to see him, they could come over YOUR house. They want to see him but on THEIR terms.

I hope your DH gets the transplant that he needs.

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