MIL hurting marriage
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MIL hurting marriage
| Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:43pm |
Well, this is going to be very long. My husband & I started dating 5 years ago back when we were juniors in high school. My husband is the second of 4 boys. His mom wasn't very nice to me back then. He was the first one to ever be in a 'serious' relationship & his mom just couldn't handle that. To put it bluntly, she was a bitch to me. After awhile she finally started warming up to me, mostly because she figured it would never last between us. About 2 years ago my husband & I got married & we got pregnant. When we told his parent's they were pissed. They finally warmed up to the idea of having a grandchild. While I was pregnant (and after) my husband's dad would touch my butt. This is the first of many problems & the beginning of my frustrations with my husband. His parents are not the type of people you can talk to - at all - and I'd constantly ask my husband to say something to them. He refused to saying he didn't think it was his place & his dad would just get pissed. What about me? I finally had to say something to his dad, which was awful, but he stopped doing it...kind of. Every once in awhile he does it, but he apologizes right away. What is wrong with that man? Anyway...in May my husband's parents decided to move 3 hours away in with his grandparents b/c they can't take care of themselves anymore. Yay for me! So we moved into their house to keep things up. No more yay! It started out with bill issues. His parents wouldn't pay bills that got transfered to our names (bills outstanding) & so we had to pay them..still have to. Collections started calling us. My husband refused to say anything, so I took a stand and said something. His mom was pissed and said he 'needed to care of me'. Set me straight. Let me try & make this shorter. Every time my MIL is near me she is unbelievably MEAN to me. Everyone notices it. She tries to tell me how to take care of my son & that ticks me off. We can't figure out why she hates me. (Yes, she's said that.) I'm constantly crying b/c it upsets me so much. I dread them coming to visit. I actually got so stressed out about it that I started getting sick & having heart 'issues'. I get these severe heart/chest pains when his parents are around. The doctor said it would feel like I was having a heart attack & that it's all due to stress from his parents. I'm 22!! I have discussions with my husband about this all of the time, and he pretty much refuses to say anything to his parents. I get so angry that I don't even want to be around him. I've gotten to the point that I just want to tell his mom that if she keeps acting like this towards me that she won't see me or her grandson anymore b/c I won't let him grow up watching and hearing his grandma be mean to his mom. I'm a more important person in his life than she is. His parents are hurting our marriage & I have no clue what to do about it. Please help!

I am sorry you are having such a rough time! The most important thing is your health. If these people are causing you to have health issue's the you should not be around them! Your Husband needs to realize that once you were married you,DH & now your son are a family and his parents are an extended part of that family and where they are still his parent and obviously he cares for them they are not his priority, you and DS should be the most important people in his life and if anyone even if that means his parents are rude to you or hurting you he needs to stand ground. It sounds to me like maybe he is afraid to stand up to mommy and daddy.
I think what I would do is sit down and have a heart to heart with H. Explain to him that you and DS are his family now and that you need him to stand up for you and be on your side. Explain to him the hurt both emotionally and physically (chest pains) his family has caused you and you how you would never let your family or anyone treat him that way and so on.
If you can not be around IL's then dont! If you feel like you want to try to calmy talk to them and try to make peace then you should but if not I would not think twice about being around them your health is more important than putting up with their behavior. Best wishes I hope DH comes around and you dont have to deal with this anymore. Keep us posted!
What a sucky rotton situation to marry into. Why'd you volunteer for this again?
If it were me, I'd lay down the law. The again I'm an opinionated bull-headed woman and I don't allow people to treat me this way and I'd rather take my kids and move back in with my parents then to allow myself to be in that abusive situation. I would sit with my husband and tell him no more. I'd tell him that I married thinking I was getting him as my man, and what I got was him as his mommies boy. I would tell him that things were going to change, that he could either choose to be my man and the father to his child or he could choose to be the good little boy he's been and he'll do it living with them and only getting to visit his child if he was lucky because I'd push for him having only supervised visitation to keep his mother from negatively affecting the child. I would tell him I was sorry that it sounds like I'm issuing an ultimatem to him but that that's not the case, the untimatem is to myself and that I've given myself a month for things to improve after laying it all out. I would tell him that I love him but our vows said Forsaking All Others and Let no one put assunder, and he isn't forsaking all others and he is letting his mother put assunder.
I don't know if you want to go that route but I know if it were me I'd rather risk going that route than continuing to volunteer to be a hostage to his mother and her evilness.