Trial Reconciliation with MIL?
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| Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:07pm |
Okay, so I need some advice about a trial reconciliation with my MIL. My DH has been pressured by MIL b/c she has only seen our DD (now 16.5 months old) once since early last December. She is telling DH that she has either chronic bronchitis or emphysema.
We had a bit of a "falling out" over most of my pregnancy and the first 4 months of my DD's life that ended up in us not speaking since November of last year.
MIL lived with us (DH and me). She and DH co-owned the house before I even knew him. We were married for 7 years when I got PG. Over time, MIL and I became very close, to the extent that DH said she would confide things in me that she wouldn't tell her own daughter or sons. We included MIL in the pregnancy - took her to ultrasounds, etc., only to have her tell information that we explicitly told her to keep between us to family, her friends, and anyone who would listen. She told me what was wrong with each of her DILs parenting skills and worse, told me that DIL1 never should have had children and that having to adopt was God's way of telling her that; told me that DIL2 never should have had children b/c of the alcohol abuse and mental illness in her family; told me that DIL3 never should have married her son. She said that she never should have given birth to my DH (while I was PG).
She became controlling - I said that I didn't want any visitors at the hospital except DH, MIL, and my parents. She told me that this "isn't about you - it's about me being a grandmother (for the 10th time) and I will invited whoever I want." She didn't invite her friends to the hospital, but all my DH's siblings came. She also tried to schedule me and the baby to "be available" when she had visitors coming to the house (as in - "be here on Friday morning b/c so-and-so is coming and they want to see the baby"). She'd stand over me from behind while I was breastfeeding always first thing after DH went for work and she was still in her nightgown but had her first cigarette of the day, which made me excruiatingly uncomfortable and when I asked her not to, she blew up.
I think you pretty well get the picture. The last straw was after I went back to work and she'd leave the door to her apartment area open while she sat upstairs and smoked all day. Smoke would completely pervade the house where we were and that just incensed me.
We ended up looking at a house on DD's 3 month birthday, loved it, put in an offer, and DH told his mother we were selling the house they co-owned. Now, don't be upset - their arrangement had always been that they would sell the house when he finished the renovations. The kitchen was the last project and DH finished it when I was 7 months PG. The outcome for MIL was that she got $40,000 (50% of proceeds).
MIL wanted to move in with us, and they all wanted her to. This was so I could continue to do everything for her that I already had - she doesn't drive at night or in snow, so I took her on her errands for most of the year. (Yes, I do work full time, too.) I took her to all her doctor appts. I cleaned her bathroom. DH and I carried all her packages so she didn't have to lift them, etc. So, DH's siblings just didn't want to take responsibility for their mother b/c I had been doing it for just shy of a decade at this point. Only one of his brothers is still speaking to me, but none of the women are. Several of my nieces have decided it's their right to tell me what a bitch I am for "throwing out Grandma."
I put my foot down in order for them to get the picture that the co-habitation was OVER. It was a hard-won battle, and not without much pain and problems between me and DH.
So, now DH wants his 75 YO mother to see our DD. I am considering allowing her to meet us at a restaurant for brunch to see our DD. I don't want her at our house - she completely ignores me there. And, I won't go to her place - small, senior living apartment.
Am I crazy for doing this under public, limited circumstances? DH was willing to take the Family Holiday Party off the table if I do this. That means that I don't have to deal with a room full of people ignoring me and adoring our DD, and I don't have to sit at home alone while he goes either with or without our DD.
Please tell me if I'm crazy. I really don't want to do this, but this issue rears its ugly head every 3 or 4 months. I don't want to get divorced over this and that is still a very real possibility. My primary reason for even considering it is that I really, really, really love my husband. Like I said, in the last year, I've only had to see any of his family once - that's because he hasn't pressed the issue.
Thanks in advance,
M2E


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If your husband really loved you, he would not even consider it, IMO. His family called you filthy names and treated you like a slave and dirt under their feet.
I would tell him NO to everything. If he doesn't like it, perhaps he should move home with Mommy.
Hi Mommy2em05, welcome!
I don't think that letting MIL see your DD is such a good move. There has been no discussion between you and MIL. MIL has not apologized for any of her behavior whatsoever.
If you let her see your DD, she is basically winning.
So, your DH thinks you should cave and let your MIL see your DD? If you don't, is that a dealbreaker for him? Does he realize that MIL did and said some pretty nasty things to you? What does he think about that? Does he think you should just forget about it and move on like nothing ever happened?
Well, I forgot to mention that I'm 14.5 weeks pregnant with baby #2. So that's part of the reason this is all becoming an issue again. I've already told him that I'm willing to consider his mother coming to visit the baby at the hospital, but that none of the rest can come. This isn't punitive, though, b/c I only want my mom and dad, and not my B, SIL and 5 kids, or aunts, etc. I just don't want a drive-thru window. KWIM?
Honestly, I think that it is a dealbreaker with DH. He keeps telling me that I dished it out as well as I got, which is honestly BS, but one day I finally did yell at her and put her in her place. And, I did tell my nieces off when they shot off their mouths, too. But no, I don't think I dished out that well, but more importantly mine was a reaction to what was being done to me, not a preemptive strike on his mother. After we put the offer in our house, his S was all about how MIL was going to love living there. DH couldn't seem to talk MIL out of it. I don't know if he tried to talk to anyone else. I finally looked at SIL when she was there and said, "MIL is NOT moving in with us and you and everyone else need to get that out of your minds. This situation is over." Yeah, so I have a strong subtle side sometimes.
I've been trying to explain to him that DD and I are a package deal with him and if they want to see our DD, then his family OWES HIM to be polite to his wife. He keeps saying that he can't control them, which I know is true, but that still leaves me up a creek without a boat. For a long time, he didn't want to believe what I was telling him. Finally I got him to admit that nothing that I had said was out of character for MIL, but that he didn't want to admit it. That only took a year. (We're talking things that have been happening for about 2 years now, maybe just shy of that.)
I don't want to get a divorce. The reason that brunch with her sounds okay is that it takes the rest of the family off the table. They are the ones who are more openly hostile. She's controlling, mean, etc., but she's not going to yell at me or tell me off.
I don't want her to apologize. She wouldn't mean it even if she said it. I don't want a relationship with her b/c I am so far beyond caring what happens to her or the rest of the family. And I don't want to hang out and share my feelings with any of them. I don't think they care and I don't think they have any right to know anything. The thing is, he's a decent husband when he's not around his family. He has one decent brother who hasn't stopped being nice to me (his wife was chilly/standoffish, but not aggressively rude, and his kids haven't changed how they talk to me at all) and I don't want to deny him seeing that brother.
All I want is to not be put in a situation that someone is going to rip into me. I don't care if they don't like me and think I'm a shrew. I told DH that I don't ever expect any of them to thank me for what I did for her, or to thank me for not letting her move in. I do expect them to accept this situation and to shut up about it. Nothing that they say or do is going to return the situation we had before. That's not negotiable.
DH has said that MIL is *HAPPY* where she is. She has more money in the bank than she knows what to do with and that has provided her with security that she never would have had without us selling the house. She has a senior center and goes there to eat, play cards, and socialize. She has a community to participate in and they have bus transport, etc. She sat alone at our house, watched TV, and smoked all day. That was her life.
DH seems to think that if I make an overture to allow his M to see our DD, then she will make the effort to calm down the rest of the family. He thinks they're all pissed off now that they don't get to see DD. He thinks she'll do that. Personally, I doubt that she'd even try. But, if I go into this with good intentions, then I'm showing him that I've tried and when she doesn't, it's not my fault anymore.
And, we're only talking 45 minutes to an hour. With food involved, so I don't really have to talk much. I get to play with DD and entertain her. I just don't want to be the one who causes the problem on this. Let MIL come and act up, or fail to try to win over his sibs again. Then she's the problem and I've tried.
M2E
Your husband is unreasonable. He is also in dire need of growing up and realizing his MOMMY and family were wrong. YOU are his wife, whom he CHOSE to spend his life with.
If you want to give in, go ahead. One more chance. But, you should make it on your terms. If any crap starts, ANY crap, you are out of there and he is to NEVER bother you about her again and she will be out of the picture.
Oh, and BTW, you have the right to have whomever YOU want at the hospital. YOU are the patient. What DH wants is of no concern. When he is the one pushing the baby out, and going through the whole thing, then it is his turn to decide to have Mommy there to hold his wittle bitty hand.
I agree with mom2danjam about making it clear (get it in writing to avoid the denial syndrome?) that if MIL is *anything* but polite he gets off your butt and never bothers you about his poor widdle mommy again.
One thing I thought of, that might help with perspective. How does he feel when you are saying things about his mother -*that are true*? Why does he want to put your child in the position of hearing similar things about *her* mother - that are *NOT* true? Does he think it's okay to teach his child that *her* mother doesn't deserve basic human respect and common courtesy?
Good luck to you.
lve2read
I am with you. If anyone in my family were to disparage my husband, especially in front of our children, I would put a stop to it immediately. Even if we were divorced. I would never want my kids to think badly of their father.
Now, why don't some DH's think that highly of their wives is a mystery to me. I will never, ever buy the "oh they grew up in a dysfunctional family" thing. (No offense to anyone.) Once you are a married adult, you are to put your spouse first, even if it means you have your FOO on your butt about it. Grow up, put on the big boy pants and do the right thing.
Thanks for your reply. Do you think there is any way (restrictions, etc.) that we can make this be semi-functional? With a 75 YO MIL, we're not talking that much time. She's too heavy of a smoker and has a bad heart already (quad bypass once). If she becomes hospitalized, I won't let DD see her (it's too scary).
I hope he's on the same page about the end. This goes back to me behaving nicely and if she burns the bridge, then he'll be there to see it was all her. I need him to see that it's her. And it will put to rest any question that I have caused it. I will admit, I have lost my temper and ripped into her when she really needed it, but that doesn't excuse what she's done. I just can't have this same argument with him again. This last argument, he said that whenever I say bad things about his family, then I'm saying bad things about him. So I said, well then that must mean when they say bad things about me that you're saying them, too. He didn't know how to respond to that.
He wants to show off our DD because he's proud of her, that's why he wants his family to see her sometimes. I really don't want him to take her alone b/c of what they'll say about me (not to him, but to her). But then he gets that - you can't keep me from seeing my family BS going.
So, by being there with MIL she can't talk about me. If she does, I'll take DD and the car and leave (with or without him). I will not tolerate her bad behavior again. If she starts it, I will leave with our DD. At least this stupid brunch would keep me from having to deal with his siblings. Like I said, MIL is evil, but they are aggressive and there are more of them. I don't need this stress when I'm pregnant.
My personal preference would be to give them all the finger and never see them again. To hell with them wanting to see our DD. They can take their dysfunctional BS and choke on it. There are people who don't play these games.
I think part of the problem is that MIL has been blathering on to DH about the chronic bronchitis or emphysema thing and he feels guilty. She plays him like a fiddle. He's the youngest and until I put my foot down, they had ALWAYS lived together. He cooks and does laundry, etc., but he has never been unsaddled from her neediness and guilt. She had never lived alone in her life until she was 75. Can you believe that? I know it's scary for her, but for crying out loud, I deserve to be unsaddled from her crap. I could only stomach a decade before I wanted to throw her out the window. I can't imagine going through 39 years of her BS. Needless to say, that's partly why his sibs don't want to deal with it now - they've never had to.
My mom helped him/us come up with this compromise b/c this is an unending stress and HUGE problem with our marriage. It's amazing how much this stinks.
M2E
Edited 11/16/2006 11:46 am ET by mommy2em05
If you are willing to go out to a restaurant and behave like the (only) mature adult for an hour, then I think you should do it. You will be proud of yourself. Good for you.
But I also think you should speak to your pediatrician about this "chronic bronchitis or emphysema," thing. Your MIL may be infectious. And neither an 18 m.o. nor a pregnant woman should be exposing themselves to a chance of pneumonia. I remember one time I had bad bronchitis, and my DD's pediatrician didn't want me to leave his office with my DD! He wanted to insist I get someone else to care for her, but there was no one else (which is why I got so run down and became ill). So he made me promise to take all kinds of precautions and NOT breathe near her face.
Oh, I didn't think about that. I'll call the ped and ask. Thank you. If it is chronic bronchitis, it's because of a lifetime of heavy smoking. And she supposedly gets the pneumonia shot every year b/c of her heart condition. But you're absloutely right, neither DD nor I should be around someone who is contagious.
I think the biggest reason I need to do this is to clear my conscience with my DH. He needs to get through his thick head that I'm not the bad guy here.
Thank you.
M2E
Why are the in-laws so mad at you for refusing to do something they obviously were not willing to do for her themselves? It looks to me like you have put forth more effort than could be expected of anyone. You can forgive her for your own piece of mind BUT I would be very hesitant to open the door wide enough for her to get her big toe in again ! But maybe i'm being harsh????
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